Crona and Patty Sittin' in a Tree
by OXYCODONEFROG
Summary: Due to events beyond his control, Crona is forced to become Patty's babysitter. Crack-tastic adventures ensue. Homocidal punks, band battles, and mysterious cults, oh my! The biggest struggle of all for the duo, however, is learning how to deal with each other. Rated M for language and themes. Safe for those who are allergic to citrus.
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

Hi, hi, wazzup!

So… This is my first fanfiction…

And being a Soul Eater MegaFan, I thought this would be fitting…

Really, if you want to know where I got this idea, I really can't help you there…

Pairing: Crona (16) and Patty (14)

So… If this is a pile of shit, please feel free to flame me. I really want to improve, if I can.

And

Here

We

GO!

/ / /

"Oi, Crona! Wait up! I want to talk to you!"

So said our favorite, neurotic, son-of-Death, Death the Kid, to one even more neurotic, pink-haired, son-of-a-witch, Crona. Crona paused, leaning on one of the various brick walls inhabiting Death City, and watched the shinigami make his way over.

"Y-yes, Kid?" he asked.

Kid gave him a small smile. "Yeah… Hey, you know Patty, right?"

Crona paled considerably at this, and grabbed his right arm with his left, per force of habit. "U-uh… yeah… Well, not really well, but… W-what's this all for…?"

"Well, Liz is headed off to Chicago to meet some boyfriend she met on the net…" Kid rolled his eyes and said "boyfriend" in a nasally, mocking tone. "… and I have to check up on the Russian Death Scythe… Father wants me to become more familiar with the Death Scythes. So, Patty's going to be left alone… In my house…"

He shuddered. "Well, Patty isn't stupid, but she's really hyper… Almost like a little kid… I absolutely cannot go anywhere knowing that she might make something asymmetrical!"

Crona started sweating. "_Oh, no…" _He thought wildly. "_No, no, no, this isn't what I think is is, this can't be what I think it is, I really don't know how to deal with this!"_

"So…" Kid continued. "I talked it over with Liz and Father, and they both think that you would be the person most suited for the job. Meaning… Crona, we need you to look after Patty for a few days."

"A f-f-f-few d-days?" Crona stammered.

Oblivious to his friend's growing panic, Kid quite helpfully responded. "Or a few weeks. I'm not really sure how long this is supposed to take. So, are you going to do it?"

"C-can't either of you b-bring her a-along?"

Kid stared at Crona, causing him to shift his weight uncomfortably. "I can't do my mission with Patty this time around. After all, it would be horribly asymmetrical to carry just one pistol. And Liz can't watch after Patty all the time."

"W-What about Shinigami-sama?"

"Father would, but he has to manage the school and monitor the decline of the madness wavelength. Just because Asura is dead and the madness is fading doesn't mean that things are going to go back to normal. So, can you do it?"

By this point, Crona had started to shake like a leaf in an autumn gale. "I d-d-don't think I c-c-can do this, K-Kid… I'm r-really s-sorry…"

Kid sighed, and pulled out an envelope from his front pocket. He held it out to Crona, who picked it up with sweaty, vibrating hands. On the front cover, in very symmetrical block letters, was "$120 IN ADVANCE; ANOTHER $120 UPON RETURN."

"So, how about it?" Kid asked, looking at Crona. He shook his head and pushed the letter away.

"I'm s-sorry, Kid, but I d-don't know how to deal with this…"

A loud sucking sound, akin to a clogged sink coming unplugged, emerged from Crona's back as a very pissed-off Ragnarok exploded into being. In his loud, painfully shrill voice, he started screaming and punching Crona in the head.

"Shit, you're a stupid bastard, ya know that!" he raved. "You get fucking stabbed by that moldy old bitch and yet ya can't handle a little girl! Fuck, why did I have to be stuck with a lameass like you! Take the fucking job, dipshit!"

"Owww, Ragnarok, stop it!"

Heeding the command, Ragnarok stopped punching Crona and started yanking on his nose.

"Come on ya fucking prick! Think of how much candy we can buy with that shit!" Looking up from his endeavor, Ragnarok glared at Kid. "We're taking you're offer, bitch!... If you double the cash!"

Crona tried to protest, how he couldn't take his friend's money, but Ragnarok shoved his fists in Crona's mouth, effectively gagging him.

Kid glared right back at the tiny black demon. "Double it is, plus some candy right now, if you let go of Crona."

Ragnarok instantly yanked his fists out of Crona's mouth, wiped them on his meister's hair, and opened his maw wide. A long red tongue unfurled and almost hit Kid in the eye. Kid backed away, and put a candy on Ragnarok's tongue. As quickly as it had come out, the tongue was back in Ragnarok's mouth, and the only noise heard from him was contented crunching.

"So…" Kid began awkwardly. "Are you going to take up the offer?"

Crona sighed. "W-well, Ragnarok already said yes, so… I guess…"

Kid beamed and clapped Crona on the shoulder. "Hey, thanks, Crona!" he said. "Drop by my place at exactly eight 'o' clock this Friday. Oh, and bring your stuff with."

Kid noticed Crona's confused expression, so he elaborated. "You're going to stay at our house for this job. Normally, it'd be the other way around, but… well, a tiny cell isn't going to give either of you much space. Or privacy."

Crona shuddered at the various scenarios that rose unbidden from his mind. "I see what you m-mean…"

Kid nodded. "Well, Crona, thanks for taking the job. I'll see you later." And with that, Death the Kid meandered off with a dazed Crona staring after him.

"R-Ragnarok… W-what did we g-get ourselves into…?"

Ragnarok, who had finished his candy by this point, gave his partner a sharp smack on the head. "Aw, suck it up and deal with it, you pansy!"

Crona shook his head. "That's the problem… I don't know how to deal with this at all…"

/

So, how was it?

***looks out window, sees an angry mob***

Okay, so I know it was a lame start, but it should (hopefully) improve with every chapter. Updates are going to be far between, but many chapters are going to go up, so it should all be good.

Oh, and I forgot to mention these two essential items at the top.

I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER! THIS IS JUST FOR NONPROFIT ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!

This fic will have an "M" rating due to language. I don't think I'm insane enough to write a sex scene between Crona and Patty. Yet.


	2. Chapter 2: The Consultation

Helllllooooo, ladies, gentlemen, and assorted protozoan! Here I am with "Crona and Patty Sittin' in a Tree…" 's second chapter! I would like to take this moment to applaud my massive fanbase of exactly… Five people!

***FlyingMintBunny, dinokid, 34A7B, Commando, and boob tube watcher3452 applaud at a small table in a dingy, dark-lit bar***

Woooooohooooo! If last chapter was assembling a giant snowball, this chapter would be preparing to shove it down a hill!

***ahem***

Now, time to get serious. _**As always, I do not own Soul Eater. Well, I downloaded a digital copy of episode 45 and Papermoon, but that really doesn't count, now does it? **_

If I write crap, please let me know. Constructive criticism is appreciated. And to any flamers… If you think this is bad, I'll give you a dry log of badfiction to burn all you want.

Also, there is a way you can help the quality of these stories improve. It'll be described toward the end.

Cowabunga!

/ / /

Crona needed help. No, not psychiatric help (well, maybe, but that isn't relevant to this story), but advice from a friend. A calm, smart friend. A friend who knew exactly how to calmly deal with the destructive force of nature that is Patty.

He needed to talk to Tsubaki. If she could deal with Black*Star and not even break a sweat, then maybe, just maybe, she would have ideas on how to deal with the bubbly blond menace. Alas, Crona didn't carry a cell phone, due to an intense, inexplicable hatred of them, and couldn't deal with pay phones.

"Pay phones… Yuck…" Crona thought to himself. "So… Err… How do I get into touch with Tsubaki? I don't know really know where she lives... I could just guess... But what if I knock on the wrong door? I can't deal with that..."

Crona was working himself into a panic. Sweating, shivering, and frantically looking around, oblivious to the curious stares of passersby. It was then, in that bad moment, that an idea burst into his head like a bullet. Crona ducked into a nearby café', and headed to the bathroom. Locking the door behind him, Crona took a few minutes to get his breathing under control. After he finished suppressing his panic attack, Crona fogged up the bathroom mirror and, in clumsy letters, scrawled out "01-67-042," Tsubaki's number. The mirror turned black, even though the small bathroom was brightly lit. Then, the mirror started to ripple, as if it were a pool disturbed by a thrown pebble. Eventually, the black cut to static, then to a blurry, somewhat lopsided image of Tsubaki.

"Hello, Crona, how are you?" Tsubaki smiled at him. This smile was quickly replaced by a frown as she saw that her friend had just experienced a pretty bad panic attack. "Crona, what's the matter?" she asked.

"U-um, Tsubaki…" he stuttered. "C-can you meet me at t-the p-park?"

Tsubaki sighed. "Sure, Crona, but there's a little, ah, issue going on over here. I'll be able to meet you there in an hour or so…"

Tsubaki was cut off as a loud crash emanated from behind her. Crona looked puzzled.

"Ah… W-what kind of i-issue?"

"Black*Star recently broke both of his legs after he, well… You aren't going to believe this, Crona, but Black*Star somehow jumped off of a Boeing 747… He hid somewhere on the plane, before climbing to the top of it a few minutes after takeoff. Black*Star evidentially wanted to go skydiving, but he believed that he could do it without a parachute… It's a miracle he survived, after crashing into the Rocky Mountains at that speed… Well, Dr. Stein prescribed Vicodin to him after surgery, but the pills make him…"

Yet again, Tsubaki was cut off by a very loud crash, followed by a torrent of profanity.

Crona gulped. "I-is he going to be okay?"

Tsubaki gave him a weary smile. "Yes… But I really do need to go restrain him… If he injures himself too much, it'll be pretty bad… Well, I'll see you soon, Crona. Whatever it is, it's going to be fine. Bye!"

And with that, the mirror once again became pure black before slowly returning to its normally reflective state. Crona sighed, then squeaked as he heard frantic hammering coming from outside.

"Come on, jackass!" a voice bellowed from outside. "I had ten cups of coffee, and I need to piss, NOW!"

/

Tsubaki was a soul who cared about others, and would go to an extent to help them out. She was kind, gentle, and very understanding. Today, however, Tsubaki's near infinite patience was compromised by being the babysitter for a doped-up narcissist. Tsubaki was silently fuming as she entered Death Park. Not even the gentle rustling of the trees, nor the gushing sounds of the river that split the park in half was enough to calm her down. So, naturally, when somebody is that stressed out, the slightest thing can set one off. Like tripping over a root.

This minor annoyance set Tsubaki off on a rant that would make the Kishin himself shit himself from fright. "SON OF A B-"

*Tsubaki's rant has been deemed far too frightening and vulgar, even for this fic. Instead, please imagine your favorite Soul Eater character mewling like a kitten. If you survive that level of cuteness, then take a deep, calming breath and continue reading*

Eventually, Tsubaki's fury drained away, leaving her sweaty and exhausted on the ground. Looking up, she saw that what she tripped over was not a root. Rather, it was Crona's leg. Apparently, he had waited for her under a tree. Tsubaki instantly felt a surge of shame when she saw the poor boy's sheer terror. She walked over to him.

"Um… Hi, Crona… S-sorry about that rant earlier, I was just super stressed out with everything going on, and, well, tripping just… Ahahah… Um… C-Crona…? A-are you all right?

At this moment, Ragnarok burst out of Crona. Gripping his meister's head with one hand, he violently waved his fist at Tsubaki.

"Run, Crona, run! The cow's going to kill us! Shit, run, you stupid ass! Move, bitch, MOVE!" Tsubaki inched a bit closer to the two, hoping that Ragnarok would be too preoccupied to notice. Unfortunately, he noticed. He started pounding on his meister's head harder, and his shrill voice became incredibly loud. "HOLY SHIT, HERE SHE COMES, CRONA! RUN! PLEASE! RUN! I'M TOO AWSOME TO DIE!"

It was at this that Crona broke out of his terror-induced paralysis. Ragnarok was rude so often, that Crona always paid attention to him whenever he said words like "please," or "thank you." Staring up at Tsubaki, he went into intense convulsions and started to cry.

"E-e-e-e-e-e-EEP! I'm s-s-sorry! D-don't h-hurt me! P-please!"

Tsubaki bent down to hug her friend. Grabbing him tightly, she pushed herself up close to his thin frame. Resting her head on his shoulder, she sighed. "I'm really, really sorry, Crona. It's not your fault. I lost myself, but I'm back now. Nobody's going to hurt you… Please forgive me…"

It took a bit, but eventually Crona hugged Tsubaki back. Both sat like that for awhile, but, as with everything, it eventually ended. Both pulled away, and Crona wiped his eyes with his shirt sleeve. On top of his skull, Ragnarok sighed. "Jeeze, are you bipolar or something, bitch? You act like you're going to kill us, and then you hug? You fucking idiots…" The black demon shook his head and melted back into Crona's bloodstream.

An awkward silence descended on the duo. Tsubaki spoke up first. "Um… So, what did you want to talk with me about, Crona?"

Crona sniffled, blinked, and then spoke. "I'm sorry… Um, I took a job for Kid… He and Liz are g-going on a trip this Friday, and, well, I'm not sure how this happened, but… I have to l-look after P-Patty for awhile… And, uh, because you're partners with B-Black*Star… D-do you have any tips on how to deal with s-somebody like t-that…?"

At this, Tsubaki beamed. "Oh, you have to look after Patty for a little bit? Well, that isn't so bad… She's pretty hyper, but it's not that much of a problem. Trust me, it won't be that scary. Just keep these things in mind." At this, Crona nodded, signaling that Tsubaki should continue. "So, first things first. Set some firm ground rules. Make sure they're fair, but not too lenient or strict. Second, figure out her habits… If you have a vague idea of what she normally does, than it won't be extremely difficult to get along. Finally, and this is the most important part, be yourself."

Crona interrupted. "W-wait, what do you mean b-by that…?"

She looked up, as if asking the sun for an answer. "Well, um, I'm not sure… Just be yourself… I think that if you show your true self to Patty, she'll respond and not be out-of-control…"

As Tsubaki looked back at Crona, she saw that he had bent his head down low, with his bangs covering his eyes. In a low voice, he spoke. "And what if you're a bad person…? What would she do, then?"

Tsubaki sighed, then reached out and gently lifted up Crona's head so that she could stare him in the eyes. "Crona, stop it. You are a very good person. Out of everybody I know, you are the sweetest, kindest person. Whatever happened in the past, it wasn't your fault. So, stop it. You are good. Okay?"

Crona started to tear up, but blinked it away. As he started to get up, he softly chuckled. "T-thank you, Tsubaki…"

She also stood up. Stretching, she said, "No problem, Crona. I'm happy to help. Well, I should probably go back to make sure that Black*Star is okay… See you later, Crona! You're going to do well on this!"

"Y-yes… Goodbye, Tsubaki… Tell Black*Star that I hope he's feeling better…"

/ / /

Well, I guess that wasn't so bad… I think…

So, if you're wondering why Crona asked Tsubaki for help instead of Maka, the explanation is simple. Tsubaki is usually benevolent, and while Maka can be nice, she has a much shorter fuse. So, Crona could get advice from a calm individual, or from the human equivalent of a barrel of nitroglycerin. And, yes, I know. This story is taking a long time to get off the ground. I probably could update sooner, but I'd need a beta for that… Sadly, I do not have a beta.

But this is where you can help. Suggest a good beta reader through PM or reviews. This will ensure that this story will have a higher level of quality in the future. All those who help me get faster story updates, fewer errors, better storyline, and eternal gratitude.

In addition, I don't think I'll write a sex scene… Well, I might, but the odds of it are poor… I'm a 16-year-old guy who's almost phobic of these things. If I do, I want to say that it would NOT be graphic. Probably…

Oh, that reminds me. Merry Belated Christmas, and a Happy New Year! Let's make 2012 the best one yet!


	3. Chapter 3: Friday

Hola, mis amigos! Schedule-II Opioid Amphibian back with yet another piece of crap!

So, this chapter is going to be the Friday of Doom for Crona! Will he go through with it? Or will he chicken out? _**Will I ever get a girlfriend?**_

So, technically, the last two chapters are the prologue. This is when the story finally takes off!

***Is crushed by a meteorite; comes back through a horcrux***

Thanks to all the reviewers! You've helped awaken this author's creative drive!

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER WILL CONTAIN STUNTS THAT SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED! EVER! YOU WILL NOT BE AS LUCKY AS CRONA!

El Toro!

/ / / / / / / /

"Hey. It's time, Crona. Let's go."

Crona sighed. Once again, he was huddled in Mr. Corner. Everything that needed to be packed had been packed, and he had done all of the personal grooming one can usefully (and safely) do in a day. He had asked Ragnarok to keep an eye on the clock, in case he somehow lost track of time.

"Come on, Crona. We already agreed to look after her, and it won't be any use to delay this any longer." Ragnarok peered down at his meister before sticking one of his fingers in his mouth. Ragnarok then pulled the finger out, and rammed it into Crona's ear. As expected, this made the poor boy jump up, scream in fright, and try to wipe the saliva out.

"R-Ragnarok! What'd you do that for!"

His weapon cackled shrilly. "Serves you right, Crona! You weren't getting up, so I took the liberty to kick your ass into gear! You should be thanking me! Now let's friggin' go, already!"

"Ragnarok… W-what if she d-doesn't like us?"

At this, Ragnarok rolled his eyes. "Who cares, we get paid either way! Now, for the last time, GO! GIDDYUP! HI-YO, CRONA AWAY!"

And with that, the black demon grabbed two handfuls of Crona's hair and steered him over to the bags. Bringing down both of his fists, Ragnarok got Crona, who was complaining the whole time through, to bend down and get the suitcases. With one last almighty yank, Ragnarok steered Crona out of their cell, and recoiled back into the boy as soon as the cell's door was locked. Groaning in mild pain, Crona started his trek to The Gallows, unaware of the irony dripping in that action.

/

"Oi, Kid! Calm the hell down!"

Liz was having trouble with Kid. The young shinigami was having a complete mental breakdown because it was a little past eight, and Crona had not arrived yet. Liz was becoming rather frayed and Patty had wandered off somewhere not too long ago.

"B-b-but, Liz! He i-isn't here, yet!" he punctuated this by grabbing Liz and shaking her back-and-forth. "IT'S PAST EIGHT, AND HE ISN'T HERE! IT'S ASYMMETRICAL! NO!" This action, being quite irritating, made Liz grab Kid by the neck. Bringing his head forward, she gave him a look that could only be described as withering.

"Now, listen here… Crona's going to come here, just you wait… But let's make one thing clear… Try that again, and you'll feel what castration is like… Got it?"

Before Kid could respond, the doorbell rang. Liz released Kid, and she walked over to the door. Squinting through the peephole, she saw the familiar, black-clad figure fidgeting at the door. "Hey, Kid… He's here."

Upon hearing this, Kid jumped up and stormed over to Liz. "OH, HE'S REALLY GOING TO GET IT FOR ARRIVING AT THIS ASY-" he broke off, and looked at a clock. The hands were at the eighth hour and the eighth minute. Instantly, Kid's rabid fury evaporated, replaced by pure love, and opened the door. Crona blinked at the sudden change of light and squawked when Kid jumped out and hugged him.

"Ack! K-Kid! W-what're you doing!"

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you Crona! Eight 'o' eight is perfectly symmetrical!"

"H-H-HELP!"

Sighing, Liz pried Kid off of Crona. "Hi, Crona, I'm sorry for this idiot… Come in, come in!"

Crona blinked, took one hesitant step forward, and entered the house, only to be violently hugged, yet again, a few minutes after last. This time, however, was more like a flying tackle. Which it partially was.

"CROOOONAAAAA! HIIIII!" yelled Patty as she slowly crushed Crona like a pop can. The teen's eyes were popping out and he was turning a very ugly shade of puce. He made a noise somewhere between a "whoof" and a "squee." Patty interpreted this as a sign that her friend really liked that, and started to hug him harder, if that was humanly possible. Crona, like anybody else in that situation, blacked out due to oxygen loss. Fortunately, Patty noticed the sudden slackness that went through Crona and let him out of the killer hug. The sudden pressure change forced air back into his lungs with a sound similar to an asthmatic vacuum cleaner. Patty giggled at this, oblivious to the fact that she almost committed a double homicide*.

"Hey, Crona, are you alright?" Kid asked. He got no answer, as Crona was still unconscious. "Whatever. Liz, Patty, help me get him on the couch. It won't do him much good to lie on the floor…"

As the quite interesting quartet made it's way to the living room couch, Patty reached up and grabbed Crona's crotch. Liz saw this and shrieked. "P-Patty! What the hell are you doing!"

Her sister gave Liz the puppy-dog face. "But, sis…" she whined. "I wanted to see if Crona is a boy or a girl…"

"Patty, Crona is a guy! Everybody knows that!"

"Yeah, but I just wanted to double-check it." Donning a rather evil expression, Patty leaned in toward Liz. In a low, raspy hiss, she said, "And it was worth it… The dude's, like, huge!"

Kid laid Crona's limp form on the couch. "Patty, please don't grope Crona… Or anybody, for that matter… It might just be a lolicon pervert…"

/

"Oh, sis! Kid! Crona's coming 'round!"

Crona groaned as he opened his eyes. "Did I pass out?" he thought. Blinking to adjust his eyes to the light, he could see Patty leaning up close to him. He squeaked and reflexively tried to back away. This only resulted in the couch capsizing, forcefully ejecting its occupier.

"H-hi, P-Patty… Y-you startled me…"

Patty smiled. "Yeah, sorry about that." She bent down, grabbed one of Crona's hands, and yanked him up. This sudden change in altitude caused him to sway with vertigo. Patty noticed this and gave him a concerned look. Before she could ask what was the matter, Kid and Liz walked into the room.

"Hey, Patty? Why has the couch been flipped over?" asked a rather exasperated Kid. "Actually, never mind, I don't think I want to know… Just flip it upright…"

Patty stared at Crona. "Well, ya heard the bossman! Flip 'er over!" Both grunted a little as they flipped the rather heavy piece of furniture. She turned back to her meister and gave a mock salute. "Well, there ya g-" Patty stopped short as she noticed that Kid wasn't in front of her anymore.

"Ah, Crona! Patty! The couch… It landed symmetrically!"

/

"Now, Crona. We got your room set up, went through the house rules, and told you about any "oddities" you may see here… All we have left is to go over Patty's medications…"

Liz had led Crona into her and Patty's shared bathroom. Pulling out a key, she unlocked and opened the medicine cabinet. "If you have any meds, you can store them here, too. Just follow the instructions on the bottles, and you'll be fine. Oh, and I included a list of things that can interact with these medications."

"O-Okay, Liz… I understand."

At this, Liz smiled, and made like she was going to leave the bathroom. Instead, there was an audible click, and Crona knew that Liz had locked the door. She wheeled around and grabbed the swordsman's thin shoulders, dragging him creepily close to her face. "Good. Now listen up."

While saying this, her nails, dangerously sharp, started to dig into Crona. He winced, and tried to back away. Alas, his body wouldn't respond, as it was rooted to the spot in terror. All he could do was hope that Liz wouldn't do anything _bad._

_"_Let's make just one thing crystal-clear between you and I… Patty has been with me my whole life… She never knew our mother… Ha, that stupid bitch ran away from her… From us… And dad was probably a john that mom got unlucky with… _Twice._" Crona flinched at the sharp, steely words, and the pain lying underneath them. "So, I was Patty's sister… And her mother, I guess… In that life we had on the streets, all we had was each other. We were never apart for more than a few hours at a time, you see… After we met Kid, things got easier, well, more tolerable. But that bond between Patty and I… It never faded…"

Liz sighed, oblivious to the fact that she was slowly increasing the pressure on Crona's shoulders. "So you must understand how painful this is for us… Being apart for such a long time… I know that you're wondering why that I just can't bring her with me… Well, if I'm going to go into a relationship, I shouldn't rush things… Darnell** and I have been "going out" together for a few months, and I think that things are going to work out… But I know that I shouldn't rush things, or make excuses… I could bring her along, but… Someday… She's going to have to learn how to live without me for a while… So, please, whatever you do, don't hurt her… Me being away from her… It's going to compromise her, you could say. Just… Please… Don't let her be miserable…" she finished weakly.

Crona nodded. "Liz, I would never do anything to hurt my friends. I'll do whatever I can to make sure she's happy. You don't have to worry about anything…"

At this, Liz gave a low, dark chuckle. "Yeah, I know that. I was just making sure, that's all." She took her hand off Crona's shoulder and patted him on the head. "You're a good guy, Crona, you know." She gasped, though, as she withdrew her hand from his head.

Crona blinked a few times at Liz's horrified expression. "U-um, Liz…? What's the m-matter…? D-did I do something w-wrong?"

All she did was look down, flushing miserably, and pointed to the mirror. Crona turned to look at his reflection and saw what was upsetting his friend. There was a small puddle of black blood on his hair, in the shape of a palm. Turning back around, he saw a small amount of the ebony substance on her nails.

"L-Liz, it's n-not that b-bad! I-I'm fine! Really! I d-don't think getting black blood on you is d-dangerous! I'm s-sure it'll b-be fine!" He sighed. "Liz, I'm sorry…"

At this, she reached forward and pulled him into a hug. "You idiot…" she muttered into his spine. "You don't need to be sorry for anything… I'm the prick who tore your shoulder open… I'm sorry…"

"It's fine… L-let's just get it w-washed off."

/

After Liz had washed her hands off, and after Crona had re-absorbed the blood on his head, it was time. Crona and Patty were standing side-by-side, sending off Liz and Kid. Liz bent down and kissed Patty on the top of the head.

"Now you be good, okay?" she muttered.

Patty grinned. "Of course I will be! It's not like I'm going to eat him for dinner or anything, sis."

Kid shook his head. "Patty, even so, please go easy on Crona… He's doing us all a huge favor." He looked down at his watch. "Alright, let's go, Liz. The plane is leaving in an hour."

Both Kid and Liz walked out of the door, waving back at Patty and Crona.

"Bye Kid! Bye Liz! Love you both! And send some damn postcards!"

/

Kid was driving their car (a black Lincoln MKT) to Death City's airport. Liz was looking forlornly out of the passenger window. Kid's eyes flicked over to his weapon. "Hey. They're going to be fine. Patty's a tough one. And Crona is more than capable of looking after her. Plus, if things get rough, Father is always around."

Liz sighed, looking up as the car passed by a streetlight. "I know, I know… I just can't help but worry a bit…"

"Nothing bad is going to happen to them."

"Yeah… Something is going to happen to them, though. I can feel it in my bones."

Kid grunted. "Well, maybe it'll be something good."

"Maybe… Maybe…"

And the car streaked away into the pitch black night, falling raindrops unnoticed by it's occupants.

/ / /

Ha cha! I think that was my best chapter yet!

***Audience boos***

Okay, yeah, it's stupid, the people either talk too much or too little, and it ends on a pseudo-cliffhanger.

Anyhow, please review! Beta suggestions are still being accepted.

Also… I've got a little something fun for you all… I'm still mentally working out it's kinks, but this little idea may become very important to this fic. The idea will be posted in either chapter four or five.

Oh, reminds me. Happy Three Kings Day! Not that I'm Spanish in any way, shape, or form…

… Excluding the fact that I blatantly used Spanish in toe top author's note…

*If Crona dies, so does Ragnarok. Obvious._ But, if Ragnarok dies, does Crona die, too?_

_**_Darnell is the first name that came to my mind when I thought of Liz's boyfriend. I do not know why.


	4. Chapter 4: The Storm

Hello, one and all, young and old, short and tall! The OXYCODONEFROG is back, and in a badass white coat-thingy, too!

***Typing with tongue, as arms are restricted by the straightjacket.***

So, I've figured out how to edit chapters that I found errors in! Hooray! I won't loose my reviews!

Now. Chapters will be posted, as usual. However, parts may be withdrawn, if I find any errors. Beta reader suggestions need to keep coming! Oh, and about that little project…

…You'll have to check at the bottom author note!

Ain't I just the dickiest of dicks!

Things are going to be getting going! … And fluffy…

Soul Resonance!

/

Crona and Patty went back inside The Gallows after the black Lincoln had completely vanished from view. After locking the door behind him, Crona turned to Patty.

"So, uh… You g-go to bed around n-nine or ten, right?"

Patty nodded. "Yep! Kid wants it to be eight, but, well, what the hell. So… Let's watch a movie!" She grabbed Crona and dragged him to the home-theatre.

Crona, stammer worse than ever, managed to say, "B-b-but, d-don't e-electronic i-i-images c-cause i-insomnia…? I don't think I can deal with loosing any more sleep!"

"Aw, suck it up, ya' pansy!" screeched Ragnarok. "Don't you ever stop worrying! It'll be good for you!"

Patty nodded her head. "I agree with Ragnarok. You really need to try different things, Crona… It'll lead to stagnation."

"Yeah! What bimbo said!"

"PATTY PUNCH!"

At this, Patty's fist shot out and connected with the Black Imp's head, almost knocking it off. Ragnarok swore violently and Crona meekly followed Patty, trying not to think about what she could, no, _would,_ do to him.

/ / /

Crona, due to his own naïve nature and his less-than-preferable upbringing, was easily startled. The sudden call of a bird, or tumbleweed that would come from out of nowhere, would send him skyrocketing.

So, after he had seen the size of the home movie theatre in The Gallows, it would be perfectly logical to assume that Crona's nervous system would be overloaded from the stimulus.

Which, it was.

"Hey, hey! Pretty nice, ain't it?" giggled Patty. Crona gaped at her, still unable to comprehend how big the theatre was. Ragnarok, however, had a few words on the behemoth.

"Holy shit…" he whispered. "How the hell did something this damn big get in here…"

Crona, also whispering in awe, added his two pence. "H-how can this fit… It l-looks bigger than the e-entire building…"

"Because," Patty explained, as if having a massive honking theatre in the middle of her home was no big deal. "It looks bigger than it actually is… The way this entire mansion was constructed produces an illusion of size. Everything is built to look like it's bigger than it actually is." She shrugged. "So, what do you want to watch? _The Lion King? Beauty and the Beast? Frost/Nixon? Gran Torino?_ We can stream pretty much every movie ever made."

Crona shook his head, still recovering from the shock of the theatre, shook his head. "U-um… I d-don't really know any m-movies…"

Patty tilted her head to the side. "Why?"

He sighed. "L-La-… My m-mother n-never let me w-watch m-movies…"

Patty shrugged. "Alright. So, if you don't know any movies… Then how about you, Ragnarok? Any ideas?"

Ragnarok somehow got an evil grin onto his normally expressionless face. "Yeah, how about… Oh, let me see here… _Friday the Thirteenth?_"

Patty donned an identical expression. "Hey, frog! Don't pick on Crona like that!"

Normally, Ragnarok would've gone berserk at this type of insult. However, Patty's "Face of Authority" suppressed any sort of reaction from him. It also terrified poor Crona, which is completely understandable.

"Alright, how about this?" she sighed. "We'll just watch some T.V. Are you, by any chance, a fan of _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magical?_"

Crona jerked out of his terror at the mention of the ponies, and fell into something of a dreamy daze. "P-P-Ponies…?" he said.

"Aw, that's just fucking great!" roared Ragnarok. "Way to go, bitch! Now he's going to be effeminated even more by this!" Bending over his meister's head, Ragnarok started swinging his fist at Patty. "Do you know how much it _sucks_ to provide testosterone for two people? _Because it really fucking sucks!"_

Crona, however, pushed his partner out of his line of sight. "Y-yeah… I really like the ponies… Maka told me about them…."

Patty broke into a face-smashing grin, he eyes sparkling with a manic passion. "Hell yeah, Crona! I _knew _you were awesome! Come on, my bronie! Let's watch em' from the top!"

And, with that said, they took their seats. Ragnarok grumbled something like "Not gonna watch those gay-ass ponies… Liver is nice and quiet…" as he disintegrated into Crona. The lights dimmed, and the duo eagerly waited for the show to start…

/ / /

It was one in the morning, and Crona could not sleep. Never mind the obvious facts, such as him sleeping in a new place, or the stimulation from watching six episodes of MLP with Patty. It was simple.

Death City was having a rare thunderstorm.

"EEEEP!" Crona squeaked as a bolt of lightning flashed outside his window. Back when he was living with his mother, she would sometimes punish him by leaving him outside during thunderstorms. Crona knew that she was long gone, and that he was in one of the safest buildings in the city, but the fear still remained.

Crona sighed and curled up. "_Why must I be afraid of everything…?_" he thought savagely. "_But, I can't do anything about it… I'm worthless… I can't stand how helpless I am…" _He jumped as another boom rent the night. "_Well, if I can't sleep, I may as well get a midnight snack… I don't think I'm __that__ helpless… Didn't Maka say something about milk and cereal aiding sleep…?"_

He slid out of bed as quietly as he could, being careful to not wake Ragnarok. Shuffling out of his room in a pair of green turtle slippers, Crona felt his way along the hallway. He didn't really need to feel his way along (one perk of having black blood was augmented eyesight), but since he wasn't too familiar with the building, he thought it would be safer to play it safe.

Edging gingerly down the stairs, Crona nearly tripped when a light suddenly went on downstairs. Crona didn't know who was down there. He would've heard Patty, as his room was between hers and the kitchen. And as for Shinigami-Sama… Does he ever come home? And because _Death Himself_ owned this place, burglars wouldn't break in…

… _would they?_

Crona couldn't help but to let out a groan. "_Oh, great…" _he thought wildly. _"That's just great… Oh, no, what if they already got Patty… Or what if they did… No, stop it. I'd have heard anybody coming around, and Patty wouldn't go quietly… Well, I dunno what's going on here… But if I'm really stealthy, I can see who it is…"_

Alas, Murphy's Law took effect at that very moment, in the form of a creaky stair. Crona gasped as the sound rent the air.

_"Yeah. Game over._"

He tensed as the padded sound of feet made their way toward him. If they were burglars, then he could at least try to fight him off. Ragnarok would give him hell for waking him up later, but he had no other option. Crona hid in the shadows the stairs provided, ready to spring out at the noise coming closer… closer… closer…

"Hello? Is anybody there?"

Crona mentally smacked himself. "_Of course it's Patty!__ And here you are, frightened and huddled in a corner, ready to attack…" _He stood up. "Y-yeah…" he said sheepishly.

Patty stared at him. "Crona…? What're you doing up…?

He opened his mouth, ready to reply, but was interrupted by a flash of light and a loud boom. He jumped a bit, and from what he saw, so did Patty.

"T-that…"

"Ah…" Patty said. "Do thunderstorms scare you, Crona?"

Crona sighed. "Y-y-yeah… A lot, actually…"

Patty also sighed. "Same here. I came down here for some cereal and milk… You too?"

He nodded.

"Well, in that case, Crona… Why don't you join me?"

/ / /

A distinct haze of oddness hung in the air as the duo quietly ate their cereal; both dressed in their pajamas. Apparently, Ragnarok had not woken up yet. Crona speculated that he must have fallen asleep in his liver, which, apparently, is a very nice place to sleep.

Eventually, Patty spoke up. "So… Crona… How is everything so far…?"

"U-um, pretty good, I guess…" He said, feeling quite awkward. "D-do you get m-midnight snacks often?"

She shrugged. "Kinda… It's usually when I can't sleep…"

Silence reigned again. Both parties kept eating the cereal, looking everywhere but the other. Eventually, they finished. Patty stood up to put her bowl and glass in the dishwasher, but Crona beat her to it.

"U-um… I'll take that for you… If you're o-okay with it…" he said.

Patty beamed at him. "Yeah, sure. Thanks, Crona! You're so nice!"

" _Thank God she can't see me…"_ Crona thought, blushing furiously, as he put the items into the dishwasher. He spoke. "N-now… Let's go back to sleep…"

Patty got out of her chair and followed Crona to the base of the stairs. He made to start climbing up, but she grabbed his arm.

"Um… Hey, Crona…?" Patty said.

Crona flinched. _"Oh, great, here it comes… She's going to chew me out for almost attacking her earlier…" _He gulped, dreading what was going to come next. "Y-yes, Patty…?"

"CanIsleepwithyoutonightplease?" Patty asked, the sentence uttered so fast that it sounded like one, horribly mangled word. Crona stared at her, not comprehending.

"W-what…?" he eventually managed.

"C-can I p-please sleep with y-you t-tonight, Crona…?" Patty said, her cheeks burning.

Crona blinked. What she had said was not at all what he was expecting. He thought she was going to criticize him, tell him about what a failure he was. Instead, _she wanted to sleep in his bed._

"U-u-um, o-okay…" he stammered. Crona turned around and started to climb up the stairs. Patty followed. Their pace, however, didn't come close to the speed of Crona's thoughts. _"Oh, oh, oh dear! She's going to sleep. With ME. I don't think I can handle this! What if I accidentally wake her up, or do something weird in my sleep, or… I don't know. Something bad."_

The duo eventually made it to Crona's bedroom. Patty turned to look at him.

"Hey… Thanks…" she started. "I'm really, really sorry about this, Crona…"

Crona paled. _"Oh, no… She's disgusted that she's here with me…"_

Even in the occasional bursts of light, Patty could see that Crona suddenly looked more distressed than usual. She quickly said, "No! I'm not sorry that I have to sleep with you, Crona! I'm sorry that I have to force myself on you like this!" She sighed. "It's just that… Well, with Kid and Liz gone… And the storm… It's… I'm sorry, Crona…"

"Patty…" Crona began. "D-don't worry about it… What you're feeling; about the two people you love the most being gone for a while… It's normal… You have nothing to apologize for… L-let's just go to sleep…"

She nodded. "Okay…" And with that, she slid into under the bed's sheets. Crona took a few tentative steps toward the bed, paused, and followed suit. The bed, unused to the amount of weight being placed on it, groaned in protest.

"Whoops!" Patty giggled. "Goodnight, Crona. I feel a lot better with you here…" And with that, she fell asleep.

Sleep was not ready for Crona, though. Even though he was dead-tired, his eyes refused to close for more than few seconds. _Okay, Patty and I are in the same bed…"_ he mused. "_Nothing bad has happened… Yet, anyway…"_

He started to sigh, but was cut off by an odd noise. Crona blinked, wondering what was going on. It was something like a squeak or a wheeze. The noise, again, repeated, and he turned to look at Patty.

_"I-is that her…?" _he mentally wondered. But, even by the occasional lightning, Crona could see that every time Patty breathed, the noise occurred. "_It's so… cute…"_

Crona then realized what he thought. "_Oh, what the hell did I just think! Did I call her… Or was it… But… Cute…?" _He shook his head and stretched. "_Well, I suppose it's not going to get any worse…"_

But what the poor teen didn't know was that Murphy's Law strikes at any time, any place. Because when Crona was at the arc of his stretch, he felt something engulf his thumb. Something _warm and wet._

He looked over, and, to his horror, saw that Patty was sucking on his thumb. Crona broke into a cold sweat.

_"Patty… She's… Sucking on my thumb…" _he thought. _"This isn't good… What happens if she bites down and gets infected with the black blood…? Or if she bites my thumb off…?" _

Crona slowly attempted to withdraw the offending appendage, to no luck. Patty growled in her sleep and sucked it right back in. He tried again, but with even less luck than before. She had stopped making the noises from before.

He thought about the current situation. "_Well, this is… difficult… But, it looks like she's asleep… And nothing bad has happened yet…"_

Patty resuming her snoring interrupted Crona's thoughts. This time, though, there was a distinct pleased note in it.

At this, the corners of Crona's mouth twitched up a little. "_This isn't… so bad, actually…"_

And with that, he joined Patty in her slumber.

_/_

Aaaaaand, that's a rap! I think that wasn't so bad…

Not great, mind you, but not bad, either…

… I hope…

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for…

This project is just a little experiment now, mind you. But, basically, this story isn't really long enough for my fancy. I'd put the entire story at around ten to twenty chapters long. But I'm shooting for twenty or more. So…

If you have a filler/one-shot story idea, then leave it in the reviews section, or just PM it to me. This way, I'll be able to extend the story, thus giving those two more time to bond. I know where the story is going to go, but these little asides are going to hopefully make the story more believable. Plus, I'm hoping that the interaction will make this tale more fun.

Betas and Filler and Reviews, oh my!

Till' next time!


	5. Chapter 5: The Saturday of Waffles

Hello, hello! Once again, I am back!

***gets booed***

All right, all right, I know that last chapter had the characters being a bit (or a lot, depending on your opinion) OOC, and the plot seemed to meander more than a river. Alas, I'm not the greatest writer. I'll be the first to admit this.

Will that stop me from crankin' this shit out?

I'll answer that question with another: Is it generally unwise to ride a chimera?

I thought so. As always, I do not own Soul Eater. I just write this fan-fiction for shits and giggles.

Oh, by the by… If you are wondering why I have Crona getting hugged so often, and by so many people… It's because he's _**so damn huggable**_! Want proof? Episode 21. Crona was hugged by Maka, even thought he was the human puffer fish at the time.

Betas and filler! Send em' in, people! Or Dr. House will molest you with his cane while unfitting music plays!

And now that my rant is over… Charge!

/ / /

Crona often wondered what it would be like to have some degree of normalcy in his life. What it would be like to have red blood, or having to not share his body with another person whom has a personality completely opposed to his own. What it would be like if he could gain weight and not wake up almost every night, screaming in terror and drenched in sweat.

Or, in this case, what it would be like if he could get up without external influence. For the first thing Crona experienced was something lying on top of him. Something warm, moving, and undeniably _alive…_

"Hi, Crona! Good morning!" chirped a voice from the mass on top of him. In response, he squeaked and jerked out of bed, falling onto the floor. From that position, he could see that the mass that was on top of him was none other than Patty.

"G-good morning, Patty…" his voice weakly wafted up. "Um… I-I'm sorry… Could you he-help me up…?"

She giggled. "Sure, boyo!" she sang as she yanked Crona up. "So, what's for breakfast?"

Crona blanched. "B-breakfast…?"

Patty blinked. "Yeah, breakfast? You know, that thing you eat in the morning?"

"Um…" he started. "I don't think I've ever had breakfast… I don't think I can deal with it that well."

At this, Patty frowned and leaned in closer to Crona. He shuddered slightly at the close attention he was getting. His shuddering turned into a loud squeak (one not unlike a mouse being trodden upon) after Patty poked him in the ribs. Crona expected her to pull her finger away after that, but instead, she moved the finger down to his stomach, increasing the pressure on him.

"P-P-Patty! W-what are you doing?" he asked.

Her frown deepened. "Well, that explains why you're almost as thin as a piece of paper…" Patty withdrew her finger and grabbed him by the arm, breaking out into a grin. "Come on, let's go have breakfast! By that, I mean waffles!"

/ / /

"Hey, Crona. Do you have any idea on how to work this thing?"

So said Patty while examining a shiny, metal box with a skull logo on it, also known as a toaster.

Crona shook his head. "S-sorry, Patty… I've n-never experienced a toaster before…"

"Wait, what you're saying is that we're not going to have waffles?"

A shrill, somewhat muffled voice rang out. "You idiots can't even make a fucking waffle?" Said voice terminated in a distinctive _splotch!_ as Ragnarok burst out of Crona's arm.

"R-Ragnarok!" Crona exclaimed, flushing with shame.

Patty, however, had a different opinion. "Wait… Ragnarok. You… Know how to make waffles?"

At this, the black imp roared with laughter. "Of course I do! What sort of stupid bastard wouldn't know how to make waffles? Watch and learn, kiddies!"

With a dark chuckle, Ragnarok pulled the delicious frozen food items out of their brightly colored box, juggled them in his hands, and, one by one, flipped them into the toaster. He lunged forward, set the toaster's heat, and went back into Crona, only to reform at his usual location.

For all of two minutes, both parties stared at the black demon, stunned by his cooking prowess. Finally, Patty was the one to break the silence, not by talking, but by clapping. Crona eventually joined in.

"Wow! Ragnarok, that was really cool!" Patty exclaimed.

(Elsewhere, a certain piano-playing scythe suddenly felt like he was being ripped off).

Crona nodded in agreement. "Yeah… That was pretty neat…"

Ragnarok crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "No shit, Sherlock! I'm just that awesome!"

Looking up, Crona asked his partner a question. "Hey, R-Ragnarok… When did you learn to cook…?"

This question was never answered, for, at that vey moment, the toaster forcefully ejected its yummy, golden-brown payload. Patty giggled and ran forward.

"Come on, Crona! Ragnarok! They're done!" With this, she pulled the waffles out of the toaster and placed them on two (symmetrical) plates. Patty spun around, intending to head toward the table. However, she overshot her spin, causing her, and the waffles, to go flying into the air. Time seemed to slow down for Crona; he could see the rather surprised expression on Patty's face, and the arc the plates made as they flew through the air.

"SAVE THE WAFFLES!" Ragnarok shrieked. Crona didn't pay his lifelong companion any heed, eyes trained on Patty. With an "_oomph," _he dived onto the floor, sliding due to momentum.

_"Aw, crud!_" he thought, wondering if he was going to be able to catch her in time.

With that thought, his careening slide slowed to a halt. He didn't have a lot of time to collect himself, for at that very moment, Patty landed on him. Specifically, she landed on his butt, and somehow managed to bounce off of it and onto Crona's spine.

Patty blinked, surprised that she landed on something soft and bouncy, much unlike the harsh impact that was supposed to happen when one falls on linoleum flooring. And the floor most certainly should _not_ be moaning in pain. With great apprehension, she looked down to see that Crona had shielded her with his body, preforming a watered-down heroic sacrifice. Patty immediately jumped off him and bent down to check on him. "Crona! Are you alright?"

"M-More or less…" he groaned. "How about you…?"

"I-I'm fine!" Patty exclaimed. "Really, I didn't get hurt or anything!" She helped Crona to his feet, only to grin when she saw something. "And it looks like the waffles made it, too!"

Crona saw that, through some sort of lucky phenomenon, the plates had landed on the kitchen table, perfectly unharmed. The three looked at each other for a few moments, contemplating what just happened. Eventually, without speaking, they sat down at the table.

"Patty?" Crona asked, looking down at his waffle. "How do I eat this?"

She laughed at this. "Here, let me show you!" Patty grabbed Crona's plate and used a knife to apply the butter. She then poured maple syrup onto the waffle, pushing it back to Crona. "Now, you take your fork, stab the waffle with it, and eat it!"

Crona shivered slightly. "Well… Okay, I guess..." And with that, he took a bite. His eyes widened, and he swallowed the bite. "Wow! Patty! This _is _really good!"

"See! I _told_ you that you'd like it!" she crowed, also digging in.

/ / /

After they had finished eating and getting ready, Patty and Crona had taken to wandering around Death City. Crona was, as usual, shuffling along, trying to stay out of the general population's sight. Patty, however, walked right along, occasionally waiting for her companion to catch up.

She eventually got fed up with Crona's avoidant behavior and wheeled around to grab him by the arm. "Come _on, _Crona! What's the matter?"

Crona gave a squeak of fright. "B-but… People keep staring at me! I don't have any idea on how to deal with that!"

Patty sighed. "People stare at me too, Crona. After all…" she motioned to her breasts with her free hand, causing Crona to blush violently. "… But does that stop me from walking tall and proud? Fuck no! Now, let's go already!"

He gave a small moan, and started to walk faster, trying to keep up with the hyperactive blonde. The duo continued to walk, with Patty humming happily to herself (congratulating herself on a job well done) and Crona, who was saturated with nervous sweat. Eventually, Crona became tired and poked Patty on the shoulder. "U-um… Patty…? C-can we sit down for a little bit? I'm really getting really tired…"

She turned around to give him a puzzled frown. "But we've only been walking for two hours… You know what, Crona? You can be really funny sometimes…" Patty then giggled. "But that's okay! Besides, I'm a little bit thirsty, so taking a break wouldn't bother me! There's a really neat, hole-in-the-wall café not too far away from here! I'll race you!" And with that, Patty blasted off like a rocket, leaving a stunned Crona in her wake.

"B-but Patty! How am I supposed to run in a robe?"

She looked over her shoulder and called, "Easy! You walk really, really fast!"

_"Oh, dear Death… What did I get myself into?" _Crona thought before chasing after her.

/ / /

It is generally safe to assume that running in a dress/robe is hard work, Nevada is hot, black heats up quickly, and all three of these things combined leads to heat sickness and unimaginable misery. Which was exactly what Crona was undergoing when he chased after Patty under the scorching desert sun. If Excalibur was with him, he would be calling Crona "fool!" in a most accurate sense.

Fortunately for him, Patty and that café were dead ahead.

Unfortunately for him, the first thing he did after getting there was puke explosively into a nearby trash can. After he finished regurgitating, the poor teen fell to his knees, pale, shivering, and utterly drained from the trauma he just went through. "_Oh no..." _Crona thought. "_I just became sick in front of Patty, and now she'll think that I'm disgusting… She won't like me anymore, or-"_

Crona's paranoid thought process was cut off when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw that Patty was hovering above him with a concerned look on her face. "Hey! Crona! What's wrong?"

"J-just… worked too h-hard…" he managed to wheeze. "I'm… Really sorry… Just… Please don't… hate me…"

He was surprised when the hand snaked under his arm and yanked him up. Crona could see a steely glint in Patty's eyes. "_This is it… She's going to chew me out for this…" _He flinched, preparing for the worst.

"Hey. Crona. Look at me."

Crona shuddered, not particularly wanting to comply. Due to his own weaker backbone, and her commanding tone, Crona slowly looked up. He didn't speak, waiting with bated breath for the coming maelstrom.

Patty glare intensified. "Crona, it's not your fault."

This broke Crona out of his current thought process, leaving his mind a blank. To be forgiven for that… It was nigh-impossible for him to comprehend that. All that he could reply with was a breathed "what?"

She growled and pulled Crona into a hug. "Jeez, I know that you're apologetic, but _this?_ I may not be as smart as Maka or Kid, but I know that heat can make you really sick." She broke off and patted Crona on the head. "Let's go inside. It'll be cooler in there, and you can get something to drink there."

"O-okay…"

/ / /

The café was, as Patty had said before, a hole-in-the-wall. It was an oddity: a cross between a sophisticated dining area and a biker bar. There was a scattering of fine leather couches and dingy, torn-up chairs on the concrete floor. The walls were a fine dark-red color, with occasional pieces of rusted vehicle parts nailed to them. Crona could see why Patty would like this place, with the very _contrasting _themes.

The duo had grabbed a table toward the back corner of the café: Crona sipping his glass of water with barely-restrained lust and Patty waiting for her smoothie. "Yo, Crona. Be careful. You don't want to make yourself sick again."

He put the glass down. "S-sorry, Patty…"

"No, no, I keep telling you that you don't have to be sorry for these things!" she exclaimed, grabbing her drink from the waiter, who had appeared wraithlike behind her. "Oh, snap! Ninja skills!" Patty crowed. "Yeah! Gimme five, Crona!"

He blinked twice, then tentatively moved his hand so that it gently came into contact with Patty's hand. "Y-yeah… That was pretty good sensory back there…"

"Yep!" she said, taking a sip of the smoothie. Her eyes then lit up. "Oh, wow! This stuff is really good! Crona, you should try some!"

"But… Patty, I couldn't… It's yours… A-and, there's no spoon or straw or anything…"

"To Hell with that!" she yelled, causing some people to look at them. Crona blushed, trying to ignore the sudden attention. Patty continued, oblivious to the attention. "Just sip from the damn side! Drink it, or I will drag you into a world of _nightmares!_ Now. Drink! SOME!"

Crona hastily squeaked out a "yes ma'am," grabbed the smoothie, and took a sip. He looked at Patty, who was watching him expectantly, waiting for an answer. "It's… good…" he eventually replied. In all actuality, it _was _good, but the taste of vomit was still in his mouth, and _that _had mixed _wonderfully_ with the smoothie. Crona forced a smile, not wanting to offend Patty, and slid the drink back to her. He looked around, and was relieved to see that the curious onlookers had grown bored of the events happening at their table.

Patty took a drink of her smoothie. She then took to staring at Crona. "Hey. You know… I always wondered something… What exactly _is _your dress made of, anyway? I mean, that's your only one, but it's held up really well, so… What is it?"

He sighed. "It's a robe."

"Close enough."

"I'm not quite sure, actually… I know that the b-black blood makes up part of it, and that there's a bit of cotton, but… I'm not quite sure, either…"

"Wouldn't Ragnarok know?"

On cue, Ragnarok unfolded from Crona's spine. "How exactly would I know, you murderous bitch! Maybe it's poly-fucking-ester! What-the-fuck-ever!" He bent over Crona's head, glaring at Patty on eye-level. "Let me make one damn thing clear. If _he_ gets dehydrated, the black blood gets thick! And if it gets thick, it really fucking hurts! Let me put it this way: it's like constipation!" And with that, Ragnarok drained Crona's water in one gulp and recoiled into his spine.

"S-sorry about him," Crona eventually said.

"It's fine. But, is he always like that?"

"Y-yes, usually."

Patty shrugged. "Well, I suppose it could be worse. And by that, I mean _much worse._"

This confused Crona greatly. How could a vulgar demon living in your _blood _not be horrible? Which is precisely the question that Crona asked Patty.

Her face contorted into a grimace, turning her pretty face into something akin to a road-killed terrier. "Yeah. It could be Excalibur…"

"_Yes…"_ Crona thought, his face distorting to match Patty's. "_Things could be much, much worse…"_

/ / /

Crona fell into his nice, soft bed. He groaned in pleasure at the contact with the soft silk sheets.

_"I never knew that it was possible to feel this exhausted," _he thought. "_Do Liz and Kid have to deal with this amount of… energy… everyday? How can they keep up with her?"_

He sighed, then got up and started to change into his sleepwear, knowing full well how he could fall asleep in an awkward position and the pain he'd have in the morning. He fluidly slipped out of his robe, shivering slightly as the cool air enveloped him. He kicked his boots off, unconsciously wiggling his toes, and pulled on his yellow T-shirt. He loved this shirt (a small gift from Tsubaki), and had taken to sleeping it in almost every night. Crona turned around, looking for his pants.

_"What the…?" _he thought. "_I thought it was right there…" _Crona then mentally smacked himself. "_Oh, right! I remember! I left them in the bathroom." _He hurried out of his room and into the bathroom adjacent.

And there they were. Long, beautiful, black silk pants. Crona broke into a small grin as he pulled the pants on over his skinny, pale legs. He strolled leisurely out of the bathroom, stretched in the hall, and walked into his room. Even though he was extremely tired, he was happy. His silk pants always made everything better. He was _invincible!_

That confidence soon shattered when, upon walking into his room, he saw Patty in his bed. Crona blinked, did a double take, and sighed. "Okay…" he said. "My mind is playing tricks on me… I'm going to walk out and then walk back in. Things are going to be normal again."

He walked out of his room, waited a minute, and then returned. Absolutely no change had taken place. Patty still was in his bed, with a black pair of reading glasses perched on her face. Her book laid in her lap, temporarily forgotten as she viewed the scene unfolding before her. "Back again, Crona?" she queried.

"Patty… _Why are you in my bed!" _Crona said, almost yelling. Oh, Murphy's Law was strong enough to overcome the power of black silk pants.

She giggled. "Because, silly! This is a bed. It's night. I'm tired. Put them together, and you get the answer!"

Crona sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Yes… I get that, Patty. But, specifically, why are _you _in _my _bed?"

"Well…" Patty began. "You let me sleep in here last night, so what's different about this night?"

"Because _there's no thunderstorm!"_ Crona hissed. "If there's nothing to scare you, then you can sleep in your own bed!"

Patty pouted, tearing up slightly. "Crona… Why do you hate me?"

"_Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid! Why did you have to go and make her upset! Gah! I'm so insensitive! I don't know how to deal with myself! Okay… Okay… Focus, Crona, focus… Apologize."_

Crona walked up to the bed and sat at its foot so he could see Patty on eye level, more or less. "Patty. I don't hate you. It's just that…" He waved his right hand in the air, as if it would magically put the right words into his mouth. "… I don't know how to deal with close contact." Crona sighed. "I'm sorry, Patty… I'm just being selfish…"

Patty giggled. Crona looked up, bemused. "W-what's so funny?"

She pulled him into a hug. This sudden change in motion caused Crona to loose control of his trajectory, and he crashed into Patty's cleavage. She ignored this and laughed more. This caused her "endowments" to smash Crona senseless. "Oh, you silly goof! I'm just playing with you! I know you don't hate me! I like sleeping up here with you, 'cause you're so cute!"

Patty would've continued talking to Crona and hugging him, but she felt a sudden _wetness._ She looked down, and saw something somewhat-humorous and somewhat-creepy. Crona had passed out in her cleavage, which was covered in black blood. "Whoopsies!" she giggled. "Better clean up!"

So thus, Patty grabbed a roll of paper towels, cleaned herself up, changed shirts, walked back into Crona's bedroom, cleaned his face up, got him under the covers, and joined him.

"_Hey, he's pretty cute, actually… I'm going to tell him sometime… Maybe I can get Black*Star to videotape his reaction… He's cute…"_

Patty went out like a light, joining the "cutie" in dreamland.

/ / /

Holy Shit! That was my longest one yet! Sorry for the lame ending, but I had a lot of trouble with this chapter.

And speaking of that… Updates may take longer and the stories may not be as good… Not until the summer, at least.

See, high school is good in many ways. Sadly, though, there is homework. A LOT of homework. Thus, my mind is bogged down with formulas, scientific theories, etc. Keeping those in mind takes brainpower. Brainpower normally directed to creativity. Once school gets out, I should be able to update more, and the stories should be better.

Second Reason: This is actually kind of painful. Funny thing: Turns out I somehow acquired ADD at age fifteen. It was undiagnosed for a year, so, naturally, my schoolwork suffered. As a result, I would get depressed. Writing fanfiction was/is an escape. Fast-forward to January of 2012. I get formally diagnosed with ADD and get put on the meds. The plus of that is that my GPA has _skyrocketed through the roof._ The downside is that methylphenidate suppresses creativity.

See the problem?

I will continue to update to the best of my abilities. But, after school gets out for the summer, I will go through detox (probably). After that miserable washout period is over, I would probably update every two weeks.

Okay, emo time is over!

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentines Day, and, just in case I don't update for a while, happy St. Patty's day! And April Fools Day, too!

OXYCODONEFROG, out!


	6. Chapter 6: Sunday St Patty's, part 1

Hello, hello, remember me? Yes, I'm (still) alive; I'm just slacking off on this because of the rising need of studying. High school isn't shits-and-giggles. Got to' study for the finals. Then; Spring Break! While all the kewl kids go out and fuck like rabbits at Cancun, the kewler-ist kids stay home and write fanfiction!

***shot for being an ass***

Seriously though, I don't get Spring Break next year for some fucktarded reason. Honestly? We're still kids, so give us the damn week off.

Okay, emo-rant over!

I know that this may be a bit early in the story to pull out this mini-theme, but whatever. This chapter is going to be St. Patty's-centric! And she most certainly won't be acting like a saint.

Trolololololol!

/

Crona had a sheltered childhood. An abusive one, to say the least, but sheltered all the same. Due to his upbringing, Crona still had to learn about social customs. He wasn't stupid, just having an absence of knowledge, but he was getting better. Alas, there were still many things he didn't know yet.

As soon as he woke up, Crona was immediately confronted with something he didn't know how to deal with. The teen was tied to the bed, bound in place with ultra-heavy-duty chains. He flexed his arms, trying to free himself with his quite-considerable strength. Alas, whoever sealed him had done a remarkable job.

"_Okay, Crona, think." _he, err, thought. "_I wake up, tied to a bed. There must be some sort of logical explanation to this… Now, what am I going to do?"_

The answer couldn't be any more obvious to Crona, not at all. His plan had only one step to it, and could be instantaneously enacted. He opened his mouth and let loose with a very loud scream. Granted, Crona's vocal chords didn't have shit on Ragnarok, but they were still much louder than any opera singer. This would explain why every window and mirror in the room either shattered or cracked.

Almost instantly after the scream tapered off, the bedrooms door was knocked off its hinges, exposing a shiny black boot as the culprit. Said boot was revealed to belong to Patty, who had an unusual expression of mingled shock, irritation, and good-humor on her face. Crona almost immediately noticed that that wasn't the only unusual thing about Patty today. For one, her normally flax-blond hair had somehow altered its color to be a very violent shade of orange. For another, all of her clothes, excluding her boots, were now green, covered with various brown buckles with gold clasps.

"Oh, good morning, Crona!" she chirped. "How are you?"

All Crona could do was stare slack-jawed at her. He opened his mouth, worked his jaw a bit, made an odd hissing squeak, and eventually found his voice. "P-Patty… Two q-questions… Um… Why are you looking s-so different, and w-why am I l-like this?"

Patty struck a thoughtful pose, chin on fist. "Hm… Those are two very good questions, Crona. I'll tell you one thing, and I'll let you find out the other for yourself." She took a breath, than continued. "Well, have you ever heard of holidays before?"

Crona nodded. "Y-yeah… I know some of the major ones, but…"

"Familiar with Saint Patrick's Day?"

"N-no… I've never heard of it before… What is it?"

She sighed. "Saint Patrick's Day is, in a nutshell, a day to honor the Irish. People usually dress up in green, and some go out and get fucking hammered. Also… About the people who don't wear green… They get punished…" She crept up to Crona and sat down on the bed. "Wanna know how?"

Crona started to shake, dreading what was going to come next. "N-n-no…"

Patty purred seductively. "They get pinched." She moved her hand closer to Crona. "Now… Where first…"

"No, please!" Crona cried. "Mercy! I don't know how to deal with getting pinched!"

The hand moved a slight bit away from him. "Oh, alright… I guess I'll have to settle for something else…" At this, she broke into a shit-eating grin. "Tickling! That's the ticket!"

Crona screamed as the hand lunged into his side, but then started laughing as her fingers started to deftly rub his clothed ribs. "O-o-oh! P-P-Patty! S-stop it!" He couldn't continue that sentence, though, as the laughter continued to erupt from him. All Patty did in response to his pleading was to use her other hand to tickle Crona's opposite side. This made him howl, a literal gale of laughter bubbling out.

But eventually, as with everything, the tickling had to end. Crona's laughs disintegrated into coughing, and Patty removed her fingers, grin still in place. "Come on out, Ragnarok! I won our bet, so pony up, sonny boi!" She waited expectantly, with Crona's asthmatic wheezing as the only source of ambient noise. Alas, Ragnarok didn't pop out, which really pissed her off. She screamed in unfiltered rage, somehow punching Crona's chains hard enough to shatter them. "THAT STUPID FUCKER! GET THE HELL OUT HERE, YOU WANKER!"

"Patty… I don't think that yelling will exactly work to get him out here…" Crona mumbled, rubbing his bruised chest. "And if you could n-not punch me so hard, that'd be nice…"

She blushed and started to laugh awkwardly while rubbing the back of her head. "Y-yeah, sorry for that, Crona… Just a typical reaction of an ex-street girl who got swindled…"

Crona sighed. "No, it's fine… B-but… Why did you t-tie me up and t-tickle me?"

"Well, I made a bet with Ragnarok a while ago…"

Crona put his hands up in front of him. "W-woah! What? Since when did you and Ragnarok make a b-bet?"

Patty shrugged. "Just last night, actually. We talked for a bit after you passed out, and eventually I asked him if you ever burst out in laughter… He said that, besides the insane kind, you've hardly ever laughed… So, I made a bet with him: I make you laugh, I get fifteen dollars. I can't make you laugh, and he get's a cake." She then crowed with laughter, a manic glint in her eye. "But, he's gotta come out sometime, right? That just means I'm going to need to be with you around-the-clock!"

She then leaned forward, pushed Crona's nose, made a loud "BEEP!," and ran out of the room, giggling all the way. Crona blinked, mouth slightly agape from the suddenness of the morning's events.

_"Well, this day is already really weird..." _Crona thought. "_… But, then again, since when have I ever had a "normal" day?"_

/ / /

"Patty… I'm not sure if this is exactly a good idea…"

She turned around and pouted at Crona. "Oh, come on, Crona! People do this all the time in TV, books, and movies! Besides, seeing as how you're so thin, the bike has no chance of capsizing!"

Crona shook his head. "Patty, this won't work… There is no way I can ride on the handlebars of your bike. How would you even _see _the road?"

Patty rolled her eyes. "As I said before, you're really skinny. You're just thin enough for me to be able to see the road. And if that doesn't work, you can function as my eyes! See, everything can work out."

Crona knew he was loosing. Patty was already on her bike, helmet already in place. He had learned firsthand today that Patty was just as stubborn as Maka could be. In other words, trying to change Patty's mind was like trying to stop a train at full speed. Crona sighed, already resigned to defeat. "… All right, I guess… B-but, are you sure you can get us all the way there…?"

In response, Patty glared at him. "Of course I can! Waddya' think I am? Some weakling that falls apart at the slightest strain?"

"O-okay… Just let me get up on the handlebars…" He said, grunting slightly from the exertion of lifting himself up onto the handlebars of Patty's bike. He gasped as the bike wobbled a bit, and latched on as hard as he could to the handlebars. Patty, however, was not-at-all fazed from the slight adjustment of balance. Rather, she crowed a manic, victorious laugh and peeled out of The Gallows garage fast enough to leave a tread mark.

"All right Crona!" she roared. "Time to go to the strip mall!"

/ / /

Crona never thought he'd miss having both his feet on the ground as much as he did right now. Riding on the handlebars of Patty's bike wasn't stupid; it was _suicide._ He screamed and winced as the bike took a sudden plunge toward a group of 16-year-old girls and 13-year-old boys.

*_**INTERNET:**_ **ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA REFERENCES: 1 & 2*******

"Holy shit!" yelled Patty, swerving to avoid the group of teens and the black, boldface text that randomly appeared. "What the fuck was that thing?" Crona whimpered in response, trying as hard as he could to keep his cookies where they belonged. Sadly though, he failed. As a result, the delicious oatmeal-and-chocolate-chip cookies Maka made for him and Patty went flying out of the picnic basket in his hands.

"NOOOOOOO!" Crona screamed in agony.

(Elsewhere, a certain Sith Lord feels an immense surge of pride, yet also feels ripped off. In another space and time, a certain Canadian author starts sharpening his machete collection, muttering "vengeance" the whole time.)

"Forget the survivors! We need to focus!" roared Patty, just barely outrunning an oncoming train. "Look! There's the strip mall! We're almost there, Crona!"

And indeed, they were; the giant, skull-shaped strip mall was pulling into focus! It was probably less than a mile away, too! But, as the shopping center was becoming better defined, so was something else…

"Patty…" Crona began; sounding the calmest he had ever been since he had gotten on Patty's "Nightmare Express." "Is that what I think it is…?"

At this, she put a hand above her eyes, appearing to give some sort of odd salute. After a few seconds of coasting and wobbling violently, she spoke. "Crona… If I'm seeing what you're seeing… And if you're seeing what I'm seeing… Then we can safely say that the Kishin has come back form the dead…"

And, indeed, what they saw was messed up the wazoo. For, as they pulled to a screeching stop, the full enormity of the situation hit them like a sack of bricks.

There was Spirit: sitting shirtless inside a giant black cauldron. A rather bitter-smelling steam surrounded him, and inside the cauldron was a mixture of alcohol and gold coins. He belched drunkenly, then chugged the rest of the beer he was enjoying. Spirit then wiped below his nose with his arm and threw the empty beer bottle to the ground, where it promptly shattered right in front of our two disturbed protagonists.

Little did they know that things would get even more fucked up.

At that moment, Spirit's hand went deeper into the vile leprechaun's cauldron, groping around for another bottle of liquid fun. Sadly (for him, anyway), there was no more alcohol left. He paused, drunkenly pondering his options. One bloodshot eye twisted around to look at the remnants of his last bottle. What he saw made his mood instantly perk up. There was Patty Thompson, one of the two pistols Shinigami-Sama's kid used. But right next to her was a _giant bottle of Corona beer!_

Crona, possibly sensing the hell that was about to break loose, tapped on Patty's shoulder. "Patty…" he squeaked. "I think we need to get out of here… _Now…"_

Patty didn't speak, but nodded her head, giving Crona silent affirmation. Unfortunately for him, Spirit had other ideas.

"GRR-OOOOOH!" he roared, leaping on poor Crona. Crona screamed, partly at the surprise of having a full-grown man jump him, partly at said full-grown man being Maka's father, and mostly at the fact that _Spirit wasn't just without a shirt._ Said screams quickly incorporated pain after Spirit started pulling on his hair as if he wanted to rip Crona's head off. But, in Spirit's "Drunk-o-Vision," he was simply trying to get to the delicious, intoxicating amber liquid within the frosted glass bottle. "ORUH! GIGIGIGIGIIGIGIGIGIGGIII! URAGH! *BELCH*"

Thankfully for Crona, this torture didn't last long. For, only a few seconds after he jumped Crona, Spirit was blasted off the poor teen by a pink ball of compressed wavelength. He flopped on the ground for a little bit before scuttling back up into his cauldron, hissing in anger all the while.

"Crona! Are you alright?" Patty yelled, turning her weaponized hand back to normal. She rushed up to him, than crouched down on her knees to his level. She didn't need to see his face to know that Crona was crying. At this, Patty did not utter one syllable; rather, she did the surefire method to help Crona. Simply put, Patty hugged Crona, letting him cry on her shoulder. "It's okay, Crona…" she muttered. "It's over… It won't happen again, I promise. If Shinigami-Sama doesn't kill that freak, it'll only be because Maka got to him first."

Eventually, Crona's sobs and shudders began to subdue, and they broke apart. Patty looked at him quizzically. "Hey… You going to' be okay? Or do I need to make you a balloon animal out of King Asshole's intestines?"

Crona gave a small, bitter chuckle at that and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Yeah… I-I'll be fine… Thank you, Patty…"

She broke into a grin at this. "Okay, now let's get this in gear! C'mon, Crona! Time to go shopping!" And with that, she grabbed Crona's arm and started to pull him toward a store, humming happily and completely unaware of Spirit glaring at them over the rim of his cauldron.

/ / /

Aaaaaaand, I think we'll end there.

***shot multiple times***

***stabbed to death***

Okay, okay, yes! I admit! Their day _will not, _and I repeat, _will not _end here. I did this part for the lulz (which I probably failed miserably at), but there is more.

I just don't want to include it in this chapter.

Why?

Because… You'll find out! But, needless to say, it won't really mesh with the whole "humor/romance" category, unless you're a sadist, in which case, the next chapter will get your rocks off!

***gets hit by train***

Toodles!

***run over by every Tour-de-France biker whom ever lived***


	7. Chapter 7: Sunday St Patty's, part 2

All right, I'm back. I want to apologize to all of you whom wanted to read chapter 7 on the promised April Fools Day. Let me clarify: I had every intention of uploading this chapter on that date. It wasn't to punk' you lot, but there was a good deal of shenanigans pulled on the part of my computer. I logged out of my laptop instead of setting it on sleep mode. Alas, my memory isn't that great (though it is improving with the Concerta®), and since I set this computer up two years ago, I could not remember the password to get back in! And, if that wasn't bad enough… I accidentally deleted the finished original version of this!

Me: All right, everybody! On the count of three! One! Two! Three!

Crona, Patty, Ragnarok, Tsubaki, Liz, Kid, Spirit, and every other SE Character: EPIC FAIL!

Me: ***weeps***

Okay, now that I'm back on track, time to give credit where credit is due. I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER, NOR DO I OWN ANY ASSOCIATES. THIS IS JUST THE WORK OF A DERRANGED FAN.  Also… Just a bit of forewarning… This chapter is (probably) going to be the darkest part yet. This isn't crack; It's pseudo-crack.

And, on a side note… Sunday, April 15, 2012 is a big date. The creator of the Nuzlocke Challenge® and Pokémon: Hard Mode® is coming out with his B/W run. Look it up after you finish reading this, because you may need something (somewhat) light-hearted.

***thanks to Roving Otter for letting me use their genius idea about Crona-haters. Also, credit is given to ZeroVX for the running gag of Crona's "It's a robe!" Thank you for not brutally murdering me !***

/ / /

Crona groaned, adjusting the ever-growing mountain of bags on his person. He knew that girls, most of them anyway, liked to shop. Crona had overheard various stories form the girls, and shuddered from the horror stories that the guys told him. Of course, like almost anyone else, Crona was curious about going shopping with a girl.

Alas, as the old adage goes, "Curiosity killed the cat."

Patty had been dragging him around the mall for what seemed like forever. He was now sitting outside of a Victoria's Secrete store, waiting for her to emerge and (hopefully) go home. Ragnarok was quite pissed at Crona for not following Patty in there. Crona winced, remembering how his partner had reamed him out.

_-f/b-_

_ "YOU FUCKING MORON!" Ragnarok screamed, smashing his tiny fists into his meisters head as hard as possible. "What the fuck did you do that for!"_

_ Crona blushed, rubbing his arm as per force of habit. "B-b-but Ragnarok… I don't know how to deal with lin-"_

_ He was cut off and cried out in pain as Ragnarok tugged sharply on his ears, dragging his face up to his own. "Who gives a shit about what you can deal with! Think of what you're missing! All those titties… And panties…" At this point, the black demon had started to drool with lust, imagining "things" that shall not be touched upon. _

_ "B-but! I can't go in there, Ragnarok! I'm a boy!"_

_ This outburst from his meister brought Ragnarok back to reality, which ticked him off even more. "Look, blockhead…" He started, rhythmically hitting the mass of pink hair with his left fist. "You're, for the most part, gender-ambiguous. Nobody would suspect you of anything! Unless…" the sword broke into a naughty grin. "You got a boner."_

_ Crona squeaked, snapping his head up into Ragnarok's own, eliciting noises of pain form the both of them. "W-what! Ragnarok, don't say stuff like that!"_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because it's creepy!"_

_ Ragnarok scoffed. "Dude, we've literally been together for almost all of our lives. You __know__ that I am the king of creepy. But who cares about that! I wanna see Patty in tight, sexy lingerie!"_

_ The meister groaned, clutching his head. "Ragnarok, we're supposed to look after Patty's best interests, not act like horny donkeys around her… Or anyone else, for that matter…"_

_ "Oh, fine! Do whatever the fuck you want!" Ragnarok screeched, giving Crona one last sharp hit before returning to his meister's liver to fume._

_-f/b-_

Crona moaned, grimacing slightly as he rubbed his throbbing temples. "_Oh, come on, Crona_!" he mentally chastised himself. "_Ragnarok was just trying to screw you up! You have nothing to be aggravated about, anyway! Patty's having fun…" _he mentally sighed, eying the mountain of colorful bags on his lap. "_Don't complain. She's had a hard enough life, already. She doesn't deserve to have any happiness taken away from her… Besides, didn't Liz ask me to make her as happy as possible…?" _He tried cracking his neck to relieve the massive pressure building up in his skull, to little avail. "_Ouch! Okay, I'm going to grin and bear it, but after we're done here, I'm going to ask Black*Star to share his Vicodin…"_

"HEEEEEEEY! CRONA!"

"_Well, speak of the Devil…" _Crona thought, turning his head around to see the self-proclaimed ultra-god and his partner walking up to him. Well, _rolling_ toward him in Black*Star's case.

The teen's jaw dropped when he saw Black*Star and the injuries that the not-so-ninja ninja had sustained from the infamous "sky-diving escapade." Every non-bandaged part of Black*Star was discolored by bruises. An I.V machine, covered with various bags of liquids, was being pushed along from a somewhat-disheveled looking Tsubaki. "Hello, Crona" she said, sounding slightly out of breath.

Crona stood up, placing Patty's goods where he used to be sitting. "B-Black*Star!"

"In the flesh!" the ninja bellowed, than laughed raucously, causing almost everybody in the vicinity to jump in alarm.

On closer inspection, Crona could see that Black*Star's eyes were hazy and unfocused, in addition to his pupils being dilated. "_Whoa… He's stoned…" _Crona thought, sweat dropping slightly.

"H-how are you holding up? I heard from Tsubaki about your accident…"

"Bah!" Black*Star scoffed, flapping his hand at Crona. "A big star like me can handle a small scrape like this easily!" He then winced, rubbing his wrist. "Well, maybe it's just a bit more difficult than I said before, but it's not that bad. Besides…" Black*Star's voice took on a bragging tone. "Stein said that I had the worst injuries that he'd ever seen in his thirteen years as a doctor! But, I suppose that it's only natural for a big man like me to set records!"

Tsubaki gave Crona a small smile, gently rubbing Black*Star's left shoulder. "He's actually healing faster than Stein expected. Black*Star should be able to return to class next week."

Crona softly smiled back. "That's really good… We're all missing you, Black*Star… Even Ragnarok misses you…"

Black*Star laughed. "Ha! Even that grumpy frog likes me!" He then paused in mid-laugh. "Oh! Wait a minute! Is it true that you're babysitting Patty?"

"Um…" Crona started, rubbing his arm slightly and looking at the floor. "… Yes, actually…"

There was a pause, and then…

"_WHUMPH!"_

Crona had the wind knocked out of him by Black*Star wheeling up to him and giving him a vice-like hug. "I KNEW IT!" the braggart ninja crowed.

"E-eep! Black*Star, I don't know how to deal with this! Isn't this b-bad for your wounds?"

Black*Star ignored him, continuing to give him "a Manly Hug®." "I'm so proud…" the ninja said, starting to shed tears of joy. "I always knew that you were a player underneath that dress!"

This current awkward scene was starting to trigger a panic attack in Crona. "I-it's a robe! And what d-do you mean by "player?"

"B-Black*Star!" Tsubaki cried, hoping to call off his attack. Alas, her words were falling upon deaf ears.

Black*Star broke the hug away, beaming and wiping the tears out of his eyes. "Whatever… And you know what I mean by player, right?"

"BLACK*STAR!" Tsubaki roared into the ninja's ear, finally getting the epic duo's attention. "HE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT!"

The ninja groaned, wiping the spittle out of his ear. "Tsubaki… He needs to know… Besides, he'll find out eventually…"

The weapon sighed. "… all right. Go ahead."

Black*Star cleared his throat. "Crona. A player is a guy who has girls wrapped around his finger. Basically, he's great with girls. Can get anything he wants from them. Oh, I knew that the day would co- Crona, what's the matter?"

Tsubaki and her meister saw that Crona had huddled into the fetal position, head buried in his knees.

"Um… Maybe we should just go now, Tsubaki…"

Tsubaki sighed. "Black*Star, we can't leave if we've upset a fri-"

"No. It's fine…" Crona sighed, interrupting Tsubaki. Both she and her meister exchanged a worried look.

"A-are you sure?" Black*Star eventually asked.

"I'm fine… Please… You don't have to stick around…" Crona muttered into his knees. He did not look up, even after the assassin duo had long since left.

/ / /

Patty hummed happily, exiting her "favorite" clothing store and carrying a ridiculously large number of bags. "Man, that was _intense!" _she crowed, doing a pseudo-pirouette. "I absolutely can't _wait_ to go the next store!" However, Patty stopped her happy, somewhat disjointed rambling when she spied Crona huddled up into a small black mass.

"_Oh? What's Crona doing like that?" _she pondered, making her through the crowd over to her temporary guardian. Patty poked Crona on the head once, which only elicited a slight moan from him. She sighed, sitting down next to Crona and placing her bags on the only vacant parts of the bench. "Hey, Crona… Are you still alive?"

Her only response was Crona lifting his head up to look at her. Patty blinked, taking in every aspect of her friend's face. "Jeez, Crona… Are you feeling alright?"

Crona nodded, still not speaking. Patty frowned, not liking how unusually quiet the other teen was. "Are you sure? You're looking really, really pale… Well, more so than usual…"

He gave her a small smile. "Y-yeah… I'm fine…" Crona said. "I've just got a really bad headache, that's all…"

Patty's skeptical frown didn't leave her face. "_Crona, we haven't known each other for a long time, yet I can still tell if you're hiding something…" _She thought. "_Something must've happened while I was away… But what?"_

She let out a sigh, before grabbing one of Crona's shoulders. "Crona, is there something that you're not telling me?"

"N-no, not at all!" he quickly answered, making Patty all the more suspicious.

"Hmm… Maybe you should go walking outside for a bit…" Patty mused. "Yeah… Why don't you go outside Crona? I'll be out of here soon, anyway."

Crona stammered. "B-but, Patty!"

His response was Patty's "Face of Authority." "Y-yes, ma'am… I'll be by the bike…"

Patty shrugged. "All right, I guess… But feel free to move around if you want to. I know this mall like the back of my hand." She then sweetly beamed at Crona. "Oh, and why don't you leave the bags with me?"

"B-bu-… Okay…" he responded, not wanting to be thoroughly intimidated again. "I'll see you later, Patty. Have fun."

/ / /

Crona sighed, sitting on the curb next to Patty's bike, which was behind one of the stores at the strip mall. "_Way to go, Crona…" _He bitterly thought. _"Now she knows that something is up…"_

He looked up, gazing at the amber sky. _"Is what Black*Star said true? Do I just… use the girls around me…? Or the people around me, for that matter?" _

"_But of course." _A small voice in the back of his mind said. "_You always use people… You used Medusa as an excuse for all of the horrible things you've done. Remember? It was _your _doing that made Stein go mad, not Medusa's."_

_ "B-but…" _Crona floundered, trying to argue his innocence with his conscious. "_But I had no choice…"_

_ "Oh? No choice, you say?" _the voice replied, dripping with vindication. "_You _always _had a choice. You could've chosen to not obey Medusa. You could've chosen to not kill people. You could've chosen to be a good person. But you didn't. You chose to use her as an excuse for what you are, when, in reality, everything is your fault."_

Crona could feel hot tears starting to build up in his eyes, and he blinked rapidly, futile trying to force them back down. The voice continued its rant, constantly becoming more furious. "_And your friends… You use them too, don't you? You used your past to garner sympathy! Tsubaki, Black*Star, Kid, Liz, Patty, Soul, Marie, Shinigami-sama, Ragnarok, Maka! They've all been used by you!"_

"No…" Crona said aloud, shaking his head back and forth. "I'm… I'm nothing like that… I… I…"

He was choked by a sob, preventing him form continuing. His conscious, however, kept on going. "_Yes you are! You use people all the time! Medusa and Arachne look like _saints_ compared to you! You're nothing but a nasty little liar!"_

Crona buried his head in his hands, trying to block out his guilty feelings. Alas, now that his subconscious had said its two bits, his conscious mind was churning with what had transpired. "_O-oh hell, I'm right! I'm manipulating my friends!" _He looked down at his trembling hands and felt the bile rising. "_I-It's true… I'm a horrible person…"_

Crona felt a sudden burst of anger toward Black*Star. "_It's HIS fault I'm feeling like this! He's the one who called me a player!" _he mentally raged, but quickly forced it down. "_No, it's not his fault. Not at all… I guess I'm just trying to force this off onto somebody else… Pathetic…"_

His thought process was interrupted when he became aware of what sounded like some sort of riot heading his way. Crona wiped his eyes and nose to attempt to conceal any trace of his mental breakdown. While he was doing this, he got a good look at the group that was rapidly approaching.

In all actuality, this group had somehow managed to be equal parts intimidating and hilarious. Every member looked like they came straight out of the 80's. They all had torn jeans, studded belts, leather jackets, big black boots of death, and quite ridiculous hairstyles. Of course, Crona quickly reminded himself that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Their hair was dyed; his was natural. But, given that this is Death City, odd hair colors were quite common.

Crona shivered slightly, casting around for something to make it look like he wasn't observing the ruffians. Sadly for him, he had nothing to pretend to distract himself with, seeing as how his robe had no pockets. Eventually, Crona found a small stone, and started to observe it, hoping that there wouldn't be any trouble.

Oh, how little you know.

"Hey, hey! Waddya' have here?" rasped one of the members, walking up to Crona.

"I dunno, bro…" said another, who had violently blue hair. "I can't tell… Is it a bro or a ho?"

This rather offensive statement evoked a chorus of loud guffaws, causing Crona to freeze with fear. Then, what appeared to be their leader stepped up. His purple hair violently pointed up at the sky, as if it was trying to give the heavens the finger. "Hey… Wait a moment…" The leader pulled out his cigarette and blew some smoke into Crona's face, causing him to cough and try to wave the noxious fumes away. "… Do I know ya'?"

Crona, still trying to clear his lungs, choked. "Ack! I d-don't think s-so…"

He should've known that that was the moment when all Hell broke lose. For, not a second after he finished, the mobster who spoke first had an epiphany. "Hey! Boss, I think that this is that Crona kid!"

The purple-haired boss turned sharply to look at the speaker, along with every other mobster. "What? You sure that this is him?" The boss laughed. "Well, ain't this just a riot? It's him! The demon kid! Waddya' thinking, showing your face around here? Don't cha' know that you're not wanted here?"

Crona gulped, casting around for an idea to get him out of this mess. "O-of course I'm wanted here!" he said, though without a lack of conviction. The mobsters all quickly noticed this sign of weakness.

"Oh really now?" the blue-haired one spoke. "Why would Shinigami want a monster like you roaming the streets of his precious little city?"

"B-but I'm not a monster!" Crona exclaimed, this time with even less conviction than before.

The leader then gave the teen a left hook to the face, causing Crona to reel. "Liar!" he roared, suddenly switching into a fury. "We've all heard about how you almost killed us all by spying for that witch! And how you have another dude living _inside_ of you!"

Crona winced, but not from the pain in his face. "_It's true… I really am a monster… A manipulator…"_

The boss gave a small motion to the rest of his gang, and they circled him, slowly closing in. "And we don't tolerate monsters here. Got it? Let's give him a lesson boys!"

Crona screamed as the group pounced.

/ / /

Pain.

All-encompassing agony.

Crona was in this as the group started to maul him. He could feel fists raining down upon him, boots snapping bone.

And the strange thing was that Crona didn't really care.

_"This really hurts…" _He thought, making no move to stop the onslaught. "_But I guess I deserve it… For all the bad things I've done, and how I've been using my friends… This is just."_

Crona slowly smiled, giving into the agony ripping through his body. He could feel blood pouring from open wounds…

Ragnarok was screaming inside Crona's head. He was telling him to fight back, to defend himself.

Crona ignored him. Everything was starting to turn black. But it was then that he remembered: deserving or not, Crona could not let these people injure him any further. He had an obligation, and he had to see it through.

With a final, last-ditch effort, Crona locked his eyes on a puddle of black. "Bloody Needle," he croaked, causing spikes of black blood to erupt around him. The Bloody Needles had created a sort of cage around Crona, protecting him from the enraged mobsters outside.

His vision flickered, and Crona started falling…

/ / /

Patty was walking back to her bike, carrying only ten bags with her. It was a funny story, really. She was almost out the door of the strip mall when she remembered that there wasn't a car to haul all of this stuff around with. So, she had to go back and return almost everything.

Needless to say, Patty was starting to feel the strain. She groaned slightly, sitting down on a curb to rest. "_Maybe we should've taken the bus…" _Patty thought, massaging her tender ankle. "_No wonder Crona had a headache…" _

Patty pouted, tilting her head back to look at the sleepy sun. "_Something's up with him… But why won't he tell me?"_

Her musing was interrupted by a loud "DAMNIT!" She jumped off the curb, bags jangling madly around. She was even more surprised to see a bunch of 80s punks rushing out of the back alley, all red and sweaty. Patty blinked, peering after them.

"… What the hell was that?" she pondered, before shrugging and continuing on her way.

She rounded the corner, and promptly froze. Multicolored bags slipped out of her numb fingers. Blue eyes rounded to the breaking point. Patty's breath hitched, and her heart skipped a beat. For that one horrible second, all she could do was gaze in horror at the scene in front of her.

There was Crona, lying unmoving on the ground. His robe was savagely ripped; exposing bloodied and bruised flesh. But that wasn't the worst part. Crona was lying in a pool of his own black blood. Ragnarok had reformed, shoving Crona's shoulders.

"Crona… Crona…" he rasped, voice laden with grief. "Wake up, Crona… Come on, you gotta' wake up… Why won't you wake up…?"

Patty fell to her knees, unable to support herself. Tears flowed freely from her eyes. All she could think about was…

"CRONA!"

/ / /

… Holy shit, that was dark.

Just a couple of points I wanted to cover.

1.) If Black*Star and Tsubaki seemed to be OOC; it's because of my subpar writing skills. Let's just attribute it to Vicodin, please?

2.) If you are wondering about Crona's thought process, I can explain it to you. See, when you're like me and struggle with depression (My Concerta® has obliterated it, by the way), you know that you may become psychotic. And by psychotic, I mean losing touch with reality. Believing that you're nothing but a burden, feelings of guilt from little things, etc… Disjointed and/or repetitive thoughts may also be present in depressive psychosis. And let me make one thing clear: If any of this applies to you, you are not alone. You are worth it, as is everybody else. Everything has a place in this world, and nothing is worthless. Survive. It will eventually get better.

And, just to reiterate…

… Holy shit, that was dark.


	8. Chapter 8: Monday of Fucking Magnets

OXYCODONEFROG is back, and packing more drama than ever before!

***blown up by a bazooka***

… Why the hell do I keep killing myself… ?

… Well, moving on, then. What is the fate of Crona? Will Patty be able to hold on? _Will Stein's brand of cigarettes be revealed?_ Tune in this time on "Crona and Patty Sitting in a Tree!"

Do ALL the homeworks!

/ / /

Stein sighed, spinning around on his swivel chair, completely and utterly bored. Never mind that Death City Teaching Hospital was almost completely vacant, or that there were no cadavers for him to dissect; hospital work was plain-old boring. Even though the semi-mad doctor had a great deal of respect for Shinigami-Sama, he was rather irate at having to expand his medical(mal)practice to outside the academy.

Stein sighed again, running a hand through his prematurely grey hair. "_Wow… This place caters to the entire city, yet I treat more people at the academy in one day than I do in one week here…_" He peered out of his office into the hallway, hoping to see something somewhat interesting. "Damn," he muttered, only seeing the fluorescent lighting reflect off of the tile floor.

It had been like this all day long. Stein lolled about on his chair, occasionally looking into the hallway for anything interesting. Each and every time resulted in disappointment, except for the time he say some drunkard trying to pole dance on his I.V rack. Stein shuddered at the memory, quickly pushing the unpleasant thing away.

"Well…" Stein slowly announced to nobody in particular. "I'm bored… May as well go grab a cup of coffee and today's newspaper… Hopefully the news will be interesting today…" He then performed a practical application of Newton's Third Law by kicking his desk, thus sending his swivel chair rocketing away in the opposite direction. Alas, Stein's glorious crusade was stopped cold when his chair hit a small ridge in the floor, thus ejecting the doctor/scientist into the hallway.

_"Seriously, why does this always keep happening?"_ he thought, slowly picking himself up off of the floor and rubbing his bruised shoulder.

(Elsewhere, an author sneezes, but merely attributes it to eraser shavings from drawing his latest manga chapter).

/ / /

It was then, just after Stein finished reading the newspaper, that the first interesting thing happened. For, just a few seconds after Stein had tossed his newspaper in a recycling bin (interesting enough, Stein was a champion of environmental conservation), his pager went off. Stein reached down and brought the small black device up to eye level. The text on the device said this: "Prep O.R. Patient in crit. Condition after severe trauma."

One grey eyebrow arched as he reread the message. "Critical condition? That's somewhat odd… usually it is applied to DWMA students injured on missions, but that can't be. Lord Death gave all the students the month off for helping to defeat Arachnophobia and the Kishin…"

Stein unconsciously started walking to the O.R, still lost in thought. "If it was a car crash, it would've been stated in the page… Maybe a building collapsed? One could suspect that the structural integrity of Death City was compromised after… _that…_" He then made the facial expression people used around the Holy Sword. Said facial expression shattered after Stein walked straight into the glass doors leading to the O.R. "_Ow…_" he thought, rubbing his nose and blinking in a mixture of pain and surprise. "_… okay, Marie may have been right when she said that I think way too much to be healthy…" _

He shrugged, twisting his screw four times before it clicked back into proper alignment. _"Well, I hope that this will be interesting…"_

Stein was unaware of this fact, but the day would become very interesting for him. Very interesting, indeed.

/ / /

_BANG!_

Stein, decked out in surgical garb, didn't jump when the crash cart, well, _crashed_ through the double doors of the O.R. This serenity came from many years of performing surgeries and fighting evil monsters that exploded when they died. He turned to look at the team of surgeons and nurses, also clad in surgical scrubs, lifted the patient onto the operating table.

"So… Would anyone here care to enlighten me as to what exactly happened to this person?"

One of the nurses, assisting the others with double-checking the O.R, responded. "Okay, okay, some kid got mugged."

Stein blinked. "Mugged? This person got mugged, and they're in critical condition?"

The nurse paused to glare at him. "Yeah, well anyone would be in critical condition if they sustained life-threatening injuries during a mugging."

"Alright, alright, cool your jets." Stein placated. "Let's just deal with it, okay?" He then felt an overpowering sense of deja-vu, causing him to become curious about this person. He pulled the blanket off the patient, blinked, and immediately felt the world jerk to a halt.

There lay Crona, his form reminiscent of a broken toy. Blood slowly trickled out of his mouth, ears, left eye, and various lacerations covering his body. His limbs were bent at unnatural angles, sharp fragments of bone peeking out of various places. The teen's breathing was almost unnoticeable, coming in short, irregular gasps.

Stein froze in horror, the blanket slowly falling out of his numb fingers. He stood there in a daze, uncomprehending what was presented before him. His paralysis eventually lifted, allowing one thought to race repeatedly though his mind.

"_What the Hell happened?"_

"Stein!" barked one of the surgeons, snapping the mad doctor out of his out-of-character trance. "Are you going to help us, or are you going to have to get out?"

He blinked, shaking his head to help focus. "… sorry. I was just thrown off-balance for a bit. Let's go."

And with that, Stein took a deep breath and made the first incision.

/ / /

If one were to walk down one of the surgical unit corridors of Death City Teaching Hospital at one in the morning, they would see one Patty Thompson huddled up on a bench by a vending machine. If said person knew Patty, they would probably be quite disconcerted to see how somber she was. But after what he just went through, Stein hardly had the energy to walk, much less be surprised. With a small grunt, Stein threw himself down on the other side of the bench, tilting his head to the wall.

Five minutes passed. Then ten. Then fifteen. Then thirty. Then fifty. Then eighty. In that time period, neither spoke nor acknowledged each other. Patty remained huddled up, head buried in her knees. Stein kept his face toward the ceiling. Both were awake, though it would not seem like it to a casual observer. Neither spoke, partly out of exhaustion and partly out of fear of what news would be delivered.

Eventually, at about three a.m, Stein spoke, still staring up at the ceiling. "It's not your fault, you know."

Silence reigned for another two minutes. Patty broke it. "… If I would've gone with him, this wouldn't have happened…"

More silence. "I'll say it as many times as I have to. It is not your fault."

This time, Patty was a bit quicker in responding. "Then whose is it?"

Stein glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "The person or persons who did it."

The silence was a bit more protracted this time, lasting seven minutes. "… How is he?"

Stein rummaged around in his lab coat, eventually withdrawing a cigarette and a lighter. He lit the rod, smoked for a bit, exhaled and snuffed it out. "I'm not sure. The surgical team had to be rotated."

"Why?"

"Exhaustion."

Patty shifted slightly. "…how bad was it when you were there?"

Silence. Then the bench groaned slightly as Stein sat back down on it. Patty turned her head slightly, looking at the doctor thorough puffy eyes. "… you left?" She then flinched slightly, realizing how accusatory it sounded.

Stein nodded. "Yeah… I got you a Coke." He set the aluminum bottle down on the bench and pushed it toward Patty. "And about Crona… He sustained severe injuries. Most normal people would not have survived the beating he went through. However, he was holding on. We repaired an aortal hemorrhage, patched a punctured lung, fixed and set his broken legs, and started to work on his arms when the rotation team took over. His B.P dipped to 30/20, but we managed to get it up to 98/70 with IV dopamine."

"… So… What are the chances that he'll pull through?"

"About 70%."

"Could Shinigami-Sama do something?"

At this, Stein couldn't help but to emit a few bitter chuckles. "Sorry, I know this isn't the occasion for laughter. But if Shinigami-Sama could control who would live and who would die, there wouldn't be any Kishin or witches to worry about."

"Ah…" Patty sighed. "… You know, it actually is my fault that Crona ended up this way." Stein didn't speak, so she continued. "Yeah… He was looking sort of peaky and said he had a headache, so I told him to go outside. Take a walk, wait by the bike, stuff like that." Patty clenched her fists. "I should've gone with him… I should've been there to help him… Maybe I should have told him to go buy some ibuprofen… Hell, none of this would've happened if I didn't insist on going out…"

Pause. Stein sighed. "Patty, it isn't your fault. I know for a fact that you're smarter than most, so why can't you see the simple truth? This was going to happen eventually."

Patty's head jerked up. "What?"

"Well, not everybody was okay when Crona was pardoned and accepted into the DWMA." He elaborated. "There was quite a stir when the news leaked out about him. Almost every parent who had children enrolled in the DWMA complained in some way. It wasn't endemic to the parents, either. Quite a few residents took up arms over the whole matter; some even moved away."

Stein turned to look at Patty, only to see a look consisting of confusion and disgust on her face. "Yeah, people almost always seem to be too close-minded to the world. Of course, those people had far better reactions compared to how his peers reacted."

Patty interjected. "Wait, are you implying that-"

"Yes, I am."

She shook her head. "But… but that makes no sense at all! If Crona was having problems, he'd tell us! Plus, where were his injuries? None of us saw them, and we're all his friends! What, would he put on make-up afterward? Just add some fucking blush or something?"

"Actually…" Stein replied somewhat coolly. "That was the case. After whatever event happened, Crona would put on some make-up to try to cover the bruises. Plus, considering how quickly he heals, they would be virtually unnoticeable."

Patty blinked a few times, simultaneously working her mouth. She eventually became coherent and asked, "But… If that's the case… Then how'd you notice, Professor?"

Stein twisted his screw before replying. "I'm very observant, remember?"

She glared at Stein. "Then why didn't you _do anything!"_

"I actually DID confront him one day about it…" Stein responded, keeping his voice at a monotone. "But, perhaps due to his reserved nature, denied it. I then told him what I had been observing, but he told me that he was dealing with it."

"Well, obviously he wasn't telling the truth!" Patty hissed. "So why didn't you try harder?"

Stein sighed yet again, but this time it was much more weary than its predecessors. "Because I was doing it for his own good. For all of his life, Crona has been dependent on other people. I had hoped that he would've taken an initiative from our conversation and dealt with it, rather than having people rush unsolicited to his aid. It was a simple experiment that had disastrous consequences. Other then that, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Patty opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the sound of Stein's pager going off. Stein frowned slightly, reaching into his lab coat for the device. "I would expect that this message is about Crona…" A massive amount of tension seemed to build up around the duo as Stein pulled out his pager and began reading the text.

"Well?" Patty queried, sick after waiting for what seemed like an eternity. "What'd it say?"

Stein said nothing. Instead, he rose to his knees and began to quickly stride down the hallway. Patty blinked, momentarily thrown off by the doctor's abrupt departure, before regaining her composure and chasing after him.

"Wait! Professor Stein! Answer me, damnit!"

Her provocative remark solicited no response from the doctor, other than him speeding up. Patty had to break into a sprint to keep up, yelling after him the entire time. However, just as she started to wear out, Stein came to a halt in the middle of a hallway, causing Patty to almost crash into him. Fuming, she grabbed him by the arm and roared, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!"

Stein, sounding quite calm, replied. "Patty, just calm down-"

_"I will NOT calm the fuck down!" _she hissed, becoming even more furious then before. "How could you do that, just lea-"

She suddenly became quiet, a look of comprehension dawning on her face. Slowly, Patty peeked into one of the rooms, looked in it for a good three minutes, before turning back to Stein with a look that could only be described as a "poker face."

"Did I see that right, or is it just me?"

Stein then smiled, not an insane one, but a genuine one. "Yeah. It looks like he's going to be fine. I can call up a cot for you if you wish to stay with him."

Patty gave a small smile in return. She then turned and entered Crona's room, casting a "thank you" over her shoulder. Stein stood there for a minute before walking off.

"_Heh… I get the feeling that you two are going to really be good for each other…"_

/ / /

The first thing Crona became aware of was a feeling of warmth. This made the teen quite surprised, as the last feeling he had was incredibly intense pain. This surprise quickly morphed into panic when he discovered that he was paralyzed. Everything was dark, which didn't exactly help to slow his growing panic.

"_Dark… Warm… No pain… Paralysis… Does this mean I'm dead?"_

Crona's breath hitched in his chest. "_Oh no… no no no no no no… This can't be real… It's the end of the line… What about everybody else? Maka, Patty, Marie, Ragnarok, Liz, Kid, Black*Star, Tsubaki, Soul… I don't want to go…"_

Crona started to cry, but suddenly stopped as his reasoning skills caught up with his rampant emotions. _"Wait, wait, wait… If I'm dead, then how am I crying, or even breathing? The last time I checked, dead people didn't do those things… Maybe I'm a ghost...? No, that can't be… I'd be able to move… So, this means… I'm… alive…"_

Crona then noticed various external noises. Nothing consistent. He could hear voices talking, machines beeping, and cloth rustling.

_"Okay, so where exactly am I? Um…" _Crona tried to open his eyes, but only felt a slight fluttering. The plus: he could move again. The minus: he could barely move. _"Well, at least its something to work with…" _

Slowly, ever so slowly, Crona forced his to open. It was a long and arduous battle, with Crona having to repeatedly close his eyes against the bright light, but he eventually managed to get them open just enough to see his surroundings.

The room was nondescript, with greenish-white walls. A small, cheap T.V was bolted near a large window. A cheap white curtain covered what Crona presumed to be the door, and by the curtain was…

Crona blinked in surprise. _"Patty… What's she doing here? Why's she asleep? Didn't she… wasn't she… but… what happened? I know that I managed to ward those guys off, but… How long have I been out for?" _A sudden, terrifying thought jolted through him. "_Wait! Where's Ragnarok? Is he okay? Oh no, what if I bled him out? Could he be…?"_

Crona didn't really want to think about the repercussions. "Ragnarok…" he whispered. "Ragnarok, are you there?"

No response. Crona started shivering out of fright. "Come on, Ragnarok… You… you can't be gone… please don't be gone…"

A small bubbling noise was heard in Crona's room, signaling the arrival of Ragnarok. Crona could tell, however, that his partner wasn't exactly in top shape. The black demon's eyes were unfocused, in addition to his form seeming to ripple, as if he was having trouble maintaining himself. "Yeah, what the fuck do you want, ya pansy?" His normally screechy voice was, for once, quiet and hoarse, causing Crona to become even more worried.

"A-are you okay, Ragnarok?"

The demon lurched forward, trying to hit Crona like he normally did. Instead, he lost momentum halfway through and crashed down on his meister's head. "No, ya dumbass… You almost DIED out there, and therefore, I almost did, too!"

"S-sorry…" Crona said, trying to rub his arm. He winced, pulling back to rub his ribs. He was somewhat surprised to discover stitches there.

Ragnarok became even more enraged at this statement. "I swear, Crona, when we're better again, I'm going hand you the ass whooping of all ass whoopings. But that isn't important right now. What the hell were you thinking back there? No, wait, let me guess: you thought that letting them beat you up would make everything even, didn't you?"

Crona winced slightly. "Well, s-sort of…" He then yelped as his weapon mustered the strength to hit him in the head. "Ow! Ragnarok!"

"Just shut the fuck up!" Ragnarok hissed. "Let me make this crystal clear for you, numbnuts. It may have not gotten through to you yet, but that ain't the way to get people to respect you. Hell, you could be a goody-goody two-shoes for thirty years and some of these asswipes still won't forgive you. But I can safely say that letting those douches almost kill you isn't the way to do things." He sighed, using Crona's head to support himself. "Look, I'm tired. We'll talk about this later. I'm going to go back to sleep. Hell, getting bled out isn't exactly the most relaxing thing that can happen to somebody. However, I want you to ruminate on something. Doing that was probably the most selfish, fucking disgusting things you've ever done in your life." And with that, Ragnarok melted into a puddle of black blood that was absorbed by Crona's pores.

Crona didn't react. All he could think about was what Ragnarok had told him. "_Selfish? How was defending myself selfish? Was that what Ragnarok was talking about, or was it…?"_ His attention became redirected when a sudden "CRASH" rent the air. He looked over and saw that Patty had managed to fall off of her cot, thus landing on the floor and waking up. Needless to say, this is usually not a great way to wake up and start the day.

"Ouch! Damnitshitfuckballs!" Patty roared, rubbing her bruised head. Her head then snapped up to look at Crona. She paused for a few minutes, gazing at Crona, and vice-versa.

"U-um… Good morning, Patty…" Crona said. He then mentally smacked himself. "_Wow, that was lame, even for me…" _

Crona yelped as Patty suddenly hugged him with what seemed to be every ounce of her considerable strength. In all reality, Patty was hugging him as gently as she could, but Crona's injuries didn't exactly tell the same story. "OUCH!"

Patty gasped and released him. "I'm so sorry, Crona! I was just so excited that you were finally awake and-…" she stopped to rub her eyes, attempting to hide a few tears (unsuccessfully) from Crona. "I'm just so happy that you're okay…"

Crona frowned quizzically at her. "W-wait… How long was I out for? What exactly happened? H-how long were you here for?"

Patty suddenly mellowed out and bit her knuckle. "Well… you had to be put through massive surgeries, Professor Stein can tell you later, and you've been out for…" Patty looked over at the clock. "… about twenty nine hours… I've been out for only thirteen…" She then sighed. "Crona, I'm sorry if this is too soon, but… What exactly… _did _happen with you out there?"

Crona flinched, really not wanting to have to answer the question. "I g-guess that… they just… I must've… let them…"

Patty froze, uncomprehending what Crona said. "W-wait… you _let_ them beat you up?"

He responded with silence, which was just as potent as any affirmative.

"B-but… why?" she eventually managed to choke out. "Why… why would you… do that?"

Crona sighed. "I just felt that… I deserved to get beaten for all of the horrible stuff I did…"

This absolutely made Patty feel miserable. "But… Crona… Those actions were outside of your control… It wasn't, and still isn't, your fault."

"Y-yes it is… I could've stopped obeying Medusa… I could've chosen not to kill people… But I did it anyway… And…" Crona looked at Patty, tears forming in his eyes. "I've hurt my friends… So, I did deserve it…"

For once in her life, Patty was lost for words. Never mind that her good friend was taking blame for something that wasn't his fault, but he was letting his guilt get _way_ out of hand. "Crona, two things. One," she sighed, "never do anything like that again. Honestly, that has to be the most idiotic stunt you ever pulled."

"O-okay… s-sorry…"

Patty held her right hand up. "Oh no, you're not getting off that easy. Repeat after me: I, Crona Makenshi, do solemnly swear to never get injured on purpose for any reason."

Crona frowned slightly, but acquiesced. "I, Crona Makenshi, do solemnly swear to never get injured on purpose for any reason."

Patty smiled slightly. "Okay, very good. That didn't hurt, now did it? And two…" She sighed. "Why did you apologize for hurting us? You didn't do anything… Really, I'm confused about that."

"… Well…" He began. "… I just got the feeling that I may be… using everybody…"

"Using us? For what?" she asked.

"Food, lodging, companionship… Those kinds of things… And, individually, I've been using you lot even worse… Patty, I'm not playing you, am I?"

Silence. Then…

"…PFFFFFFFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Crona jumped slightly, not respecting to get raucous laughter as a response from Patty. "W-what's so f-funny?" he asked, completely lost as to what was happening.

His companion, however, just kept laughing. And laughing. And laughing. And _laughing…_ For what seemed like hours, Patty kept on laughing. Eventually though, she did wind down, until all that was heard was her gasping and coughing, punctuated with occasional weak bouts of laughter.

Crona was about to ask her again, but Patty beat him to it. "S-sorry… It's just that the idea of you playing _me?_" She giggled a bit. "Well, do you honestly think I'd let anybody fuck around with me?"

"N-no…"

"There you go, then!" Patty cheered. "You're not playing or using _anybody._ So, seriously, stop with that crazy talk."

Crona blinked, staring at her. He then bent his head down to wipe at his eyes, while simultaneously emitting a couple chuckles. "O-okay then…" He was about to continue his sentence, but was interrupted by knocking at the door. Both he and Patty looked over toward the source of the noise. "Hello?" Crona asked. "Is somebody there?"

His response did not come in words. Rather, the white curtain was pushed aside as an entire entourage of people entered. First came Maka and Soul, a vase of flowers in the former's hands. Then came Tsubaki and Black*Star, the latter still covered in bandages. Crona noted that the invalid ninja's I'Vs were absent. Then, in a rapid moving stream, walked in Ox, Harvar, Kim, Jackie, Kilik, Fire, Thunder, Marie, and Blair (cat form). Crona's jaw dropped as the literal torrent of people took up almost every available square inch of his room.

"Crona, hi!" Maka said, walking up to her friend and kneeling down beside him. "How're you feeling?"

Unfortunately, Crona could not articulate a proper response due to sensory overload. All he could do was gape stupidly. Blair jumped up onto Crona's head, peering down at him. "Nya~! Crona, you might want to close your mouth if you're not going to use it. Bugs might fly in~!"

That got his attention. Crona's mouth snapped shut so quick that his teeth knocked together. Soul frowned at Blair. "Hey, Blair, do you think you could hold off on that stuff until Crona gets better?"

"E-everybody… what are you all doing here?" Crona asked.

"Oh, Crona…" Marie said.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kim queried, Jackie nodding in agreement.

"We came to check up on you, man." Black*Star stated.

Crona blinked. "… really?"

This made everybody in the room roll their eyes, facepalm, or make other similar actions. "Of course." They all chorused.

"You're one of us now," said Kilik, nodding his head.

"And we make sure to look after each other," Ox added.

Crona smiled at his the words of his friends. "… Thank you, everybody…"

/ / /

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we're done! This breaks through the 20k word barrier!

I really agonized over this chapter. Usually I write happy-go-lucky shit, and this chapter was mostly serious. As such, this was outside of my comfort zone. This accounts for the long update period and any quality issues.

I actually like this chapter, though. This is my second favorite chapter, with chapter four being the champion.

As always, feel free to add constructive criticism, filler, etc.

On a side note, happy graduation from the 10th grade, me! Keep on being in the TOP PERCENTILE!

***electrocuted***

… Seriously, is that a running gag or something? Those are supposed to be funny…

***bludgeoned***

Au revoir.


	9. Chapter 9: Timeskip Thursday

Hello again, my friends! OXYCODONEFROG is back, and much sooner than anticipated! Hooray!

***Crickets***

… No cheering? Not even one measly little clap?

I'm wounded…

Moving on, I would like to applaud all of you who stuck with me during my ultra-long hiatus. This chapter is probably going to be pretty short, as writing the last chapter drained a lot of my creativity. By short, I mean somewhere between 1500 and 2000 words. We'll just see where my demented mind meanders.

So, what will we have in this chapter? It is now Thursday, and how's Crona doing? Curious? Want me to tell you?

Just one little thing: Crona is on drugs!

Want to know more?

No.

Read, cattle, read!

/ / /

Nine hours. Nine hours since Crona was discharged from Death City Memorial Hospital. Nine hours since he last moved. Most importantly, it had been nine hours since Crona was last awake. As soon as he had come to his temporary home, he had slowly shuffled his way up to his bedroom, crawled under the comforter of the bed, and promptly fell asleep.

Crona found himself staring at the bedroom ceiling exactly nine hours later. He blinked, too tired to make any other motion. He blinked yet again, looking to his right periphery.

Patty was curled up next to him, playing with her Nintendo DSi. Even through his narcotic haze, Crona saw that her eyes were red and puffy. "_Is it a lack of sleep? Crying? Both?"_ He frowned slightly, not liking the somber aura hanging around her.

Possibly due to the OxyContin he was given earlier that day, or perhaps due to the trauma he had sustained, Crona did something courageous that was hardly in character for him.

Patty gasped as she felt Crona's arm snake around her shoulders. Her head snapped around to see Crona looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face. She didn't speak, as this was completely new to the both of them.

"Are you okay?"

The both of them blinked confusedly at each other when they mirrored the other's question. Crona twitched slightly, slightly irritated by Patty asking him the same question. "I'm just fine," he said. "Why do you ask?"

"You know why I asked," she said. "You got the shit beaten out of you! Of course I'm worried!"

Crona nodded. "Okay… But you didn't answer my original question…"

Patty looked away, blinking guiltily at the floor. "I-I'm just fine!"

He huffed, pouting slightly. "Seriously Patty, cut the shit. I can see through your façade."

Patty donned a look similar to a deer in a bright pair of headlights. She was really surprised. Never mind that gullible Crona had seen past her lie, but he had bluntly pointed it out. He had also sworn, which was something that Patty had never heard him do before.

"_Well, no use trying to evade it now…" _she glumly thought.

"Alright Crona, listen carefully. I'm not fine because, well… you _aren't._" His eyes widened a couple millimeters at this. Patty continued. "How am I supposed to be okay if you were injured because of _me…_"

"But you didn't have anything to do with it!" Crona blurted out.

Patty sighed. "No, you were injured because of me. Well, you were indirectly injured because of me… If I didn't insist on you going outside for some fresh air, you wouldn't have gotten injured. Hell, you wouldn't have even been depressed enough to let them beat you up if I didn't drag you along! I mean that this would never have happened fi you weren't around me! I just…"

She was cut off as Crona reached over and gently put a finger over her lips. Patty stared at him, shock evident in her sapphire-blue eyes. He looked at her, moving his finger to wipe away some of the tears on her face. "Patty. Listen to me. There was nothing you could've done to prevent this. Honestly, I suppose it would've happened eventually…" He let out a bitter chuckle. "I'm not all that popular around here, obviously… Anyway, this was fate-bound to happen. As such, this was completely out of your control. I could've prevented it, but…" He sighed here, looking down for a few seconds before refocusing his eyes on Patty's own. "I still need to deal with my past… So, it's _my _fault, not yours. Okay?" Crona smiled gently at her. "No more tears."

She blinked, shock running through her system. "_He just... How could he forgive me for something like so horrible… How could he point the blame at himself?" _Patty felt tears forming, despite what Crona just said. She threw herself at him, weeping into his shoulder.

Crona just sat there, letting Patty dampen his shoulder. Even with his narcotic-induced courage, Crona was at a bit of a loss. _"Um… Heh… Wow… What should I do?"_ he pondered. _"Nothing like this has ever happened to me before… How should I deal with this? How CAN I deal with this? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS! I'm not Maka! I just can't magically make her sorrow evaporate… Wait..." _He mentally smacked himself. _"Damn. It's so obvious that I must've missed it! I KNOW how to deal with this!"_

Slowly, exercising great care, Crona wrapped his arms around Patty, pulling her into a hug. He patted her back, bringing her closer to him. This simple gesture undid her completely, and the floodgates opened. Every hour of worry, every hour spent in misery was let loose in Patty's tears. Eventually, as with all things, Patty slowly stopped crying, breathing gently on Crona's shoulder. He continued to pat her back, not caring about the slight mess she made.

Crona then started to hum gently, knowing that it would help lull her to sleep. "_Well…" _he thought, somewhat shocked at his own audacity. _"This is… unexpected… But she looks positively exhausted, so if this helps her sleep… well, what's the harm?"_

Patty actually didn't fall asleep. Rather, she started to hum in tandem with Crona, finally relaxing after days of unrelenting tension. And so they hummed, both content in the other's company.

But slowly, Crona's humming descended into heavy breathing. This heavy breathing then led to earth-shaking snoring. This caused Patty to gently lower Crona's head onto the pillows. She then giggled. "Wow, this is going to sound really stupid, but you are super-duper awesome right now, Crona…" Patty sighed. "No, you were always awesome, Crona…" She then bent down closer to him. Slowly but surely, she inched closer to Crona's face.

Pause. _"He looks so… peaceful…"_ she mused. _"Come to think of it, he always looks tense…" _Patty felt a smile stretch across her face, gently lifting a lock of his hair behind his left ear. Said smile suddenly turned devious as an idea hit her. _"Well… He's locked in a deep slumber, so I guess this is my one chance to finally pull this stunt."_

Patty quietly got out of bed to go to the bathroom, returning with a menacing pink bag. She looked down at Crona's sleeping form, a manic glint in her eyes. "Let's do a make over."

(Following Make-Over Omitted to preserve the dignity of the involved parties. Nobody was harmed in the make over.)

/ / /

It was eleven at night when Crona woke up again. This wasn't an unusual occurrence. What was unusual, however, was the situation in which he found himself. That is, he was naked, sitting in a tub full of bubbly water. He blinked a couple of times, attempting to process what was going on. He then noticed an odd sensation in his scalp, almost as if fingers were massaging his head.

_"But wait… My hands are underwater, so how can I be touching my head?"_ He gulped, slowly swiveling around to see that the hands belonged to none other than Patty, whose eyes were closed as she hummed a slight tune. Crona froze, eyes widening to nonsensical extremes. Pause.

The gentle lapping of water against Crona's skin was the only noise heard for a while. This peace lasted for five, four, three, two, one, and…

"!"

Patty's peaceful trance was broken as Crona scream rent the air. She jerked back and accidentally knocked her head against the linoleum-tiled wall, emitting a hiss of pain. "Damn!" she swore, rubbing the back of her skull. "That really hurt!"

This was mostly unnoticed by Crona, who had huddled as far away from Patty as he could, curled in the fetal position. Alas, his shivering only hindered him; the vibrations coming off of his body scattered the bubbles concealing his, ah, _birthday suit._ Crona noted this occurrence this time around, causing him to weep violently due to shame and terror.

"Crona! A-are you okay?" Patty asked.

He didn't respond. Rather, Crona grabbed a nearby bottle of bubble bath and dumped the entire contents in the water closest to him. This created a massive amount of foam that eventually made the bathwater impenetrable to human eyes. He sunk down lower into the water until all that was visible of him were his eyes and hair.

Patty stared at him, worry etched into every fiber of her being. "Crona… Please say something…"

Crona raised his head a bit, enabaling him to audibly speak. "Patty… What…? Why? Explain what happened here."

At this, Patty blushed a bit, nervously running her hand through her hair. "Ha, well, its kind of a funny story… See, you were sleeping, and I was rather bored, so… I gave you a bit of a make over-"

_ "_A WHAT?" Crona shrieked. He then proceeded to frantically pat down every part of his body to make sure that nothing was missing. A sigh of relief escaped from the teen when he found everything to be intact. "Alright… So, do I dare tread any further with this convoluted tale?"

She giggled at the odd phrase Crona just emitted. "Well, I went sort of overboard with the eyeliner... And your bandages looked like they were getting dirty, so I decided to bathe you, as odd as that sounds."

Crona groaned. "Did you see anything? You know, _anything?"_

Patty blanched, paused for a few seconds, and then flushed violently. "Gah! N-no, nothing of the sort! I closed me eyes the entire time!" She saw the somewhat-skeptical look in his grey eyes. "Scout's honor," she swore, placing her hand over her heart.

"… I wasn't aware that you were a scout…"

Patty stared at Crona. Crona stared at Patty. For a few moments, all was silent in the little bathroom. Then they both spontaneously burst into raucous laughter. Patty howled with mirth, falling off the edge of the tub and rolling on the bathroom floor. Crona, meanwhile, was snickering with glee and knocked his fist against his knees.

However, the duo's laughter was interrupted when Ragnarok exploded out of Crona's spine, already shrieking like the banshee he was. "Fuckdamnit!" he swore, flagellating his fists wildly. "Crona, you dumbass! She was going to _bath rape _your skinny, cut-up ass! Do you know how fucking hilarious that would've been! I could've made _millions_ selling that shit! But _no, _you had to be a bitch and ran away from a perfect opportunity! We almost, _almost,_ got laid! Well, fuck you, you narcotic whore! FUCK. YOU."

Crona flushed, looking up at his partner. "R-Ragnarok! Cut it out!" The black demon just cackled, flipping the bird to the two teens.

This did not go down well with Patty, obviously. "PATTY PUNCH!" she roared, almost tearing Ragnarok out of her friend's spine. Unfortunately, the effect of Crona's OxyContin also applied to Ragnarok. Ergo, the punch was not nearly as painful as if usually would be. This gave Ragnarok the clarity to concoct a devious, perverted revenge plan. Using the momentum from the punch, he whipped forward and grabbed Patty by the sides. He then used his considerable strength to yank her into the bathtub. Both Crona and Patty screamed, the latter having landed on top of the former (who was, in case it wasn't made clear enough before, naked).

_"Holy shit!" _Patty panicked. _"What the fuck! Dear Death, this is awkward… I suppose it can't get any worse…"_

Alas, that bastard Murphy always imposes his law at the worse possible time. For Patty still had momentum going from her fall, ergo her head smacked into Crona's own. More specifically, the duo had lip-on-lip contact. To put it simply, they unintentionally kissed.

The duo froze, paralyzed by what just happened. Wide-open blue eyes gazed into wide-open grey eyes. After a few, torturously-long minutes of the paralysis, Crona's eyes rolled back into his skull and his head shot up, propelled by a jettison of black blood. Patty stared, blinking slowly at what just happened. Slowly, her head rotated around to face Ragnarok, an expression of upmost malevolence on her face. "You…"

Ragnarok gulped, suddenly feeling terrified. "Um… Hey… No hard feelings, right?" Patty ignored this, slowly reaching toward the black demon. "Now, now, let's not do anything hasty… We don't want to do anything that we'll regret later, now do we?" Her hand shot forward and grabbed Ragnarok by the neck. "I regret nothing!" he shrieked, before Patty cut off his airway and…

/ / /

We're done! Huzzah!

***heart cut out by a rusty spoon***

I know that this chapter is different from the rest, as no definitive ending was written down. This was, in my opinion, a rather audacious move on my part, as I think it'll either elicit a very positive response or cause quite a few of my longtime readers to quit.

I will not go over what actually happened to Ragnarok, but I have a good reason for it. I want you to make up your own ending! Whatever punishment you conjure up for him will be canonical.

Beat him up? Makeover? Force him to listen to Justin Bieber on loop? It's canonical. If you want, you can even post your punishment ideas in a review or PM.

Also… With regards to Beta-Readers… I have something figured out. I won't need you _quite_ yet, but this story will need you eventually. I'll tell you more in the next chapter's author's notes.

Stay safe, wear sunscreen, stay hydrated, and eat well! Next chapter should hopefully be cranked out sometime soon!

Patty: (Smiles Innocently) Please review, everybody!

Ragnarok: NO! NOT THE SPOON AGAIN!

Crona: (passed out)


	10. Chapter 10: Fabulous Friday

Hello, everyone. OXYCODONEFROG here, and I'm going to deposit another piece of shit on this website!

***gets booed***

Anyway, I'm hoping that my writing style will improve, as I have just ascended to a new level of writing.

Me: (Grabs Pencil) PLOT-KAI! (wind whips up a dust storm, passes, revealing me in a badass outfit with an epic black pen.) Pensa Zangetsu.

***Crickets***

… Ooooookay, I digress. Crona has been supervising Patty for one week, and what a week it's been. We're almost at 30k words, which means that we're about a third of the way through. We're finally finishing the first arc and getting into the second arc! And it only took about nine months!

***Shot***

Don't be sad! The second arc will take a while and the third arc has yet to be written!

Oh, and I do not own Soul Eater. Thankfully. I only own 'Krunchy-Wholes,' the unfortunately named cereal. Actually, considering the enormity of a forthcoming reference, I do not own Sam and Max: Same with Pokémon, Douglas Adams, and Olive Garden. You'll see what I mean.

WARNING: This chapter contains plot devices and massive amounts of crack. Reader beware.

**Dedicated to AJ Soul Eater. Hope this helps! ;)**

PLOT-KAI!

/ / /

Crona considered the vast majority of his life to be surreal. From having a person/dragon living in his bloodstream to being friends with a motley gang of superpowered people, almost nothing in his life could be considered 'normal'. Of course, all of his abnormalities were normal to him. This, of course, was a contradiction, but that is a matter for another time. From what Crona was able to recall, last night (or early morning, as he didn't know what time it was) was certainly not an exception to the teen's track record. He moaned, flushing at the memory and the various implications.

_"Oh crap… It was an accident, but… we kissed…" _he thought, placing his morning meds into a little paper cup. _"This is just… weird… And unbearably awkward… What if other people find out? What are they going to say? All my friends… they'll hate me forever…" _Crona then poured the contents of the cup into his mouth and swallowed, sighing as he felt the meds going down. _"But even if it manages to remain a secret… Things between Patty and I are never going to be the same… Even if the whole world doesn't know, we will. And, without a doubt, she'll hate me. Even if Ragnarok DID start it, it's still my fault… I should've restrained him…"_

"Ragnarok." He said, leaning against the sink. "P-please come out… We need to talk."

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Crona looked down, slowly drumming his fingers against the sink. Then, without warning, Ragnarok's disembodied voice called out to Crona. "Is it safe?"

Crona blinked, bemused by the odd question. "Um… I t-think so…"

It took about a minute, but the black demon eventually did emerge from his subterfuge. Crona was somewhat disconcerted by how _fearful_ his partner looked. "Yeah, waddya' want now?" he irately asked.

"Er… Are you okay?" Crona queried.

"Are you fucking stupid?" hissed Ragnarok in reply. "I'm scared shitless! That cow… What that cow did last night…" He shivered, recalling the nameless atrocities that were inflicted upon him. "She's going to try to kill me… Almost did last night…" The demon then switched from mortal terror to a blazing fury. "And you were passed out, you twat!" He then started to punch Crona, screeching wildly.

"Ow! Ragnarok! Quit it!" Crona said, trying to ward off the demon's blows. This did not deter Ragnarok, as per usual. What did deter him was when Crona grabbed his fists, thus halting his assault.

Needless to say, this royally pissed off Ragnarok. "Let go!" he shrieked, trying to rip his arms free.

Crona responded by tightening his grip on Ragnarok's arms and glared up at him. "Didn't you hear what I said? We need to talk." Normally, Ragnarok wouldn't have heeded this, but Crona had perfected a technique universally dubbed as the "Rape Face."

"Yeah… sure…" said Ragnarok, extremely creeped-out by his meister.

Crona let his partner go, before proceeding with his speech. "Look… What happened last night… Things won't ever go back to normal… Without a doubt, we kissed."

"Pfft. So?" Ragnarok interjected, but was driven back to silence by the glare Crona directed at him.

"Anyway… As I said, nothing will ever be the same… Maybe between Patty and I; possibly with even more people…" He looked down at the floor, getting to the point. "Every interaction I have with her will be incredibly awkward… how can I deal with that?"

Ragnarok stared down at the teen, his expression unreadable (well, even more so than usual). He then face palmed and sighed. "You idiot… Who says that things will be worse?"

Crona blinked, looking up at his partner/weapon/blood. "Huh?" He intelligently said.

"Well shit, you really are a fucking moron." Ragnarok said, rolling his eyes. "Has it ever occurred to you that not everything will result in a bad ending?" Crona was silent, pondering what had just been said. "Look, I ain't apologizing for last night. Anything and everything that occurred last night was due to you and her screwing around. Hell, it's technically HER fault, seeing as how she instigated the whole damned thing with that fucking bath! You're a man, ain't 'cha? Well, go out there and BE A FUCKING MAN!" He then hit Crona over the head with a viscous right hook before being he dove back into his meister's veins.

Crona rubbed his head and winced. This pain, however, didn't hinder a very slight smile from flitting across his face. "… Alright… You're right, Ragnarok… I'm not blaming anyone for what happened last night… But I do need to stand up to this." He sighed, rising off of the sink counter.

"Well… Here goes nothing…" And he exited the bathroom.

/ / /

Patty sighed, rapping her cereal spoon against her milk glass in a way reminiscent of tree branches rapping against a window in a storm. And, coincidentally, the girl's mind was storming with activity at that very moment. Like a storm, her thoughts were very chaotic, but had a certain form and grace to it. Unless you're incredibly dense, its obvious what her thoughts were revolving around.

_"Crona…" _she mused, repeatedly tapping the spoon. _"Last night… Okay, well maybe the bathing was a bit excessive… I probably could've used a wet washcloth, which would've been much less awkward… But still… I did what I did…"_

She was surprised when she discovered that a fork had replaced her spoon, which was not there before. Patty blinked, wondering what the hell happened. _"Okay… Either I'm really out of it, or my spoon gained enough experience points to evolve into a fork…" _

A horrible thought entered her head as she turned the fork over and over in her hand. _"Wait, a fork? This looks sort of like a pitchfork…. Is this a message or something? Am I a devil for what happened last night?" _She grabbed her head in her hands, clenching it tightly. "_UGH! I am such an idiot! I'm going nuts over a stupid fork! A fucking fork! How pathetic is that!"_

Patty glared at the fork, before flicking it behind her with enough force to embed it into a wall. "Stupid forks," she muttered. "They're evil, I swear."

"Um… I think I'd agree with that…"

Patty blinked, before whipping around to see Crona, who was pinned to the wall by the evil fork. "Oh… Ah… Hi, Crona…" She said, awkwardly rubbing the back of her skull. "I didn't see you there… Ha ha…"

Crona glanced down at the bit of robe that was pinned to the wall and, with a small grunt of exertion (evil forks are strong!), thus freeing himself. "Okay… So…" He shifted his weight around, feeling the courage he had in the bathroom dwindling. "U-um… How are you?"

_"Wow, really smooth Crona… Reeeeealy smooooth…" _He bitterly thought.

"Oh! Me?" Patty said, pointing toward herself with her hand. "I-I'm fine! Perfectly okay! Nothing wrong here, ha-ha!" Crona stared at her, seeing through her tepid statement.

"Oooooooookay…" He slowly said, walking into the kitchen. Crona then started rummaging around in a cupboard, trying to find his favorite cereal. Alas, this move also was a diversion from confronting his charge. Well, that and the pain meds made him really hungry.

At this, Patty remembered her own cereal and sighed in disappointment when she discovered that it had gone soggy. "Damn…" She muttered. "Stupid soggy cereal…" Then she looked toward Crona and asked, "Hey, do you think Doctor Stein could make cereal that never goes soggy?"

Crona pulled his head out of the cupboard to stare at Patty. "Um… I don't know… W-why do you ask?"

"Because my cereal just went soggy!" she stated. "And it's only been in the milk for ten minutes!"

Crona paused, stared at Patty, and then went back to rummaging around for his favorite cereal. "Hey, Patty?" he asked. "Where'd my cereal go?"

Patty frowned, trying to think about what happened to Crona's cereal. "Hmm… I think it's in the microwave…"

"Um… W-why is it in the microwave?" Crona asked, walking over to the microwave and opening it. "Oh! H-here it is!" He pulled it out of the microwave, his question forgotten as he hugged the brightly colored box, subconsciously squeeing with delight.

"Hey, Crona…" Patty started, deciding to cut the crap. Crona, however, beat her to it.

"Y-yeah… About last n-night, right?"

She sighed. "Yeah…" They then both blushed furiously, looking away from each other. Patty was the first to speak. "Um… I'm sorry… For not only last night, but for the makeover as well…"

Crona paused for a few moments, gazing into the nebulous depths of the glass of milk he poured. "I'm s-sorry, too… I should've known Ragnarok would've tried to pull something like t-that…"

"Oh! You don't have to apologize for anything, Crona!" she said, waving her hands in the air. "It's okay! Nobody can control that cocksucking piece of shit!" Her eyes then glinted, reflecting pure malice. "Besides, I made sure to punish him. He's going to be quiet for a while, I expect."

Her guardian flinched, pulling away slightly. "I-Is he going to live?"

"Well, since you're still alive, I'd guess he's survived." Patty nonchalantly said.

Crona groaned slightly as he sat down at the kitchen table, depositing the cereal bowl and milk glass with a small clattering noise. The duo paused, still feeling extremely awkward.

"So, uh… How's the pain?" Patty eventually asked, hoping to stave off the ocean of awkwardness encompassing the tiny kitchen.

"Better… I've been able to switch to the weaker meds…" Crona responded, shoveling a heaping spoonful of Krunchy-Wholes obliviously down his throat. He then swallowed, throat and eyes bulging slightly before he exhaled, leaning back in his chair. "Now what?"

Patty blinked, befuddled by his question. "Now what, what?"

He peered at her over his nose, still leaning back carefree in his chair. "I d-don't know about you, but… I still get the feeling that we still have some… unresolved issues…"

"Haaaa… You're right…" Patty sighed, slouching onto the table and resting her chin on the peppershaker.

_"How the hell is he able to do that?"_ She thought to herself, reeling in puzzlement. _"Do the drugs grant him some sort of incredible insight? Damn, it's uncanny!"  
><em>

"Well…" Patty started, twirling a lock of her hair in her right index finger. "I suppose that… I just feel bad, I guess… This might sound really stupid, but… I mean, didn't I steal your first kiss?"

Crona stared, not comprehending the question immediately. "Wait… After last night… You feel bad just because you were my first kiss, even if it was accidental?" She nodded, causing Crona to mentally facepalm. "Patty…"

Patty flushed, looking down at the floor. "Yeah… I know, I know, it sounds trivial platitude, but… That really doesn't change how I feel…"

"Patty," he started, twirling his spoon around on his fingers, "it's alright. I'm not mad, honest!" Crona paused, registering what he just said. "Sorry, I meant angry. We know that I'm insane, that's a fact. But I digress. After all…" He broke off.

"Crona?" Patty asked, wondering if he was still with them. She waited a bit, wondering what he was going to say next. Needless to say, she was shocked and disappointed when the sounds of snoring started to emanate from her guardian.

_"Da' fuck?" _She wondered, shuddering slightly. _"He's… asleep? Wow… Wait, Crona's a narcoleptic now? Geeze, those pain pills really are strong shit… Are his eyes open? Eww! They are! They are! How can somebody sleep with their eyes open? I mean, ju-"_

Patty was cut off when one of Crona's snores ended prematurely, and the other teen continued talking as if nothing had happened in the first place. "After all, it's just a kiss, right? No biggie. I mean, yeah, it was extremely awkward, but… Considering the circumstances, it wasn't THAT awkward. So… Let's just never speak of this again, okay?" He then blinked, looking at Patty. "What's with the stare?"

"Oh! Um…" Patty said, jerking out of her paralysis. "You were just asleep!"

Crona blinked. "What? I never fell asleep!"

She groaned, resisting the urge to slam her head against the table. "Yes, you did! You totally did!"

"Well, whatever. Let's just agree to disagree." Crona sighed. "Also, let's just pretend that last night was just some freaky shared dream, okay?"

Patty shrugged. "Okay, sure. A freaky-ass dream isn't all that unusual, right?" She then extended her right arm across the table. "So… Shake on it?"

Crona paused, blinked, and then mirrored Patty's gesture. "I guess we have a deal."

/ / /

The sound of the phone ringing jolted Patty back into reality. She frowned, placing the book she was reading down, and proceeded to make her way to the kitchen. Once she arrived, her frown lit up into a smile as she saw the name on the caller I.D. With a simple flick, the blonde tossed the phone up into the air and caught it in the other in one fluid motion. "Hi Maka!"

"Do I sound like Maka to you?" Came Soul's voice from the phone.

Patty blanched, stammering slightly. "N-no! Of course not!" She said rapidly.

Silence. Then… "Nah, I'm just bullshitting you! Of course I'm Maka!"

"Okay…" Patty said, taking this oddity in stride. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing much." Maka replied, sounding rather cheerful. "I'm just wondering if you and Crona want to meet us for lunch."

Patty paused, wondering what she should say. _"Well, Crona is supposed to be my caretaker, but I don't know if he can make rational decisions at the moment… Hmm…"_

She looked out at the living room, observing Crona gazing at a book. He seemed to not be reading; he just seemed to exist. Patty frowned, making a quick decision. "Well… Okay, I guess! After all," she added, "Crona looks pretty bored, so going out would probably do him some good. Where should we meet you guys?"

"Hmm… Would Olive Garden work out?"

"Sure! That'd be great!"

"Alright!" Maka said with cheer. "Meet us there at, oh… Two 'o' clock?"

Patty smiled. "Two it is! See ya' there!" She then put the phone down, turning to look at Crona. "Hey, Crona!"

Crona looked up from his unread reading material. "Yes, Patty?"

"We're going to go meet Maka and Soul at Olive Garden in an hour or so. Do you feel up to it?"

He blinked. "… Yes, actually." Crona then frowned. "But how are we going to get there… I don't think I'd be able to ride on your bike's handlebars right now, and Soul's bike isn't a very smooth ride…"

Patty frowned. "Damn… Good point… Well, I suppose we could call a cab or something…" She sighed. "Well, it's a three mile round-trip, so I suppose walking's out of the question for you at the moment…"

A thought suddenly popped into Crona's head. "Wait a moment… Isn't there a spare car in your garage?" Patty stared at him. "Well," Crona said somewhat sheepishly, "I think Liz said something about how there was an old pickup underneath a tarp…"

"Tarp?" Patty asked. She then brought her fist down into the open palm of her other hand. "Oh! That tarp!" She laughed. "Well how about that. I always thought it a bunch of old books!"

Crona stared at his charge. "Why would Kid or Shinigami-Sama keep a bunch of books in the garage? Wait, scratch Kid off; he'd never do something like that."

Patty started off down the hallway leading to the garage. "I don't know. Shinigami-Sama's lived for a really long time, so I assumed that he stored his book collection under that tarp." She then turned around and called out into the living room. "Hey! Are you coming or what, Crona?"

"O-oh!" He exclaimed, quickly leaping to his feet. "Yes! I'm right behind you!"

She smiled, waiting for Crona to catch up before walking alongside him. Once he did, Patty stuck her left arm out with her fist touching her hip, forming something that looked like a sideways 'V'. He blinked at her. "W-what?"

"You're supposed to put your right arm through this and mirror what I'm doing." Patty said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world (which it wasn't, but it was still pretty close).

Crona blanched. "W-why?" 

Patty sighed, grabbing Crona's right arm and interlocking it with her own. She looked up at him and gave him a wry grin. "No reason." This caused Crona's normally pale cheeks to turn a rosy pink. This was not unnoticed by Patty, who giggled and dragged Crona behind her.

/ / /

For the most part, The Gallows was without a doubt the cleanest, most well organized building in Death City. In fact, it was arguably the most tidy home in the entire world. Of course, the cleanliness also served to make any blemish that much more noticeable.

Crona sneezed for the sixth time as he assisted Patty in freeing the pickup from the tarp. She glanced over at him, a mild look of concern crossing her features. "Is something the matter, Crona?" He responded with yet another sneeze.

"N-no, I'm fine…" Crona said, sniffling slightly from his massive burst of sneezing. "It must be the dust or something…" He grunted. "Does this tarp even have an end? It feels like we've been doing this for far too long."

Patty paused, before giggling in a rather unhinged manner. Crona stared at her, anxiety already twisting up his gut. "P-Patty?"

She didn't answer him. Rather, she went over to a nearby toolbox and pulled out a lighter. Manic fire glinted in her eyes as she sparked the lighter into life, bringing a small blue flame into existence. She pulled her arm back, preparing to throw the lighter at the tarp.

"Patty! This isn't a good idea!" Crona squeaked frantically, trying to snatch the lighter away from the arsonist. "We could just go grab a pair of scissors or something and cut the tarp off of the car! We don't need to light it on fire!"

Patty stared at him before sighing and capping the lighter. "But your way isn't nearly as much fun as mine…"

"But it's much more safe." Crona pointed out, calling Ragnarok into existence as a sword.

"And swinging a sharp-ass blade around is?" Patty queried, watching as her guardian went to work. Crona ignored this comment, continuing to neatly cut the tarp. He could hear Ragnarok grumbling in his head about something along the lines of how he was supposed to kill stuff, not be used as some sort of domestic tool. He bit his tongue as he yanked the now-severed tarp off of the pickup truck.

Patty, along with Crona, gawked at the vehicle. It was an old Ford F150, if could still even be called that. The original coloring was indeterminable, as it had been corrupted by cancerous rust. The side and rear windows of the cab were either cracked or shattered (it reminded the duo of hillbilly teeth, for some odd reason). The windshield didn't suffer from the same issues as the other windows did; perhaps due to the fact that said windshield was constructed of saran wrap. This clear visor allowed one to see that rather badly stained lawn chairs had replaced the cab's seats. The wheels were almost bald, and the truck's rear suspension looked as if it had expired quite a long time ago. The hood had large chunks missing from it, exposing the clandestine machinery below.

Crona and Patty stared, not wanting to go anywhere near the decrepit machine. "… On second thought, let's take a cab." Crona said, slowly edging away from the metal monstrosity.

This sane idea was not to be. For, as Crona and Patty attempted to escape back into the mansion, the truck revved to life. Crona shrieked and rocketed into the air, landing in Patty's arms. Of course, Patty was in such a state of shock that she and Crona both tumbled down when the latter landed in her arms. "Ack! W-what the hell!?" He yelled, scrabbling frantically backward.

"No…" Patty breathed, her eyes as wide as saucers. "It can't be…"

Ragnarok decided to speak up at this point. Normally he wouldn't have said anything, but a demonic Ford truck (understandably) dwarfed his fear of Patty. "Holy fucking shit! What the hell is THAT!?" The truck responded by making a noise not unlike a snarl as it moved closer. Ragnarok screamed and promptly voided himself* (much to Crona's disgust. What? Wouldn't you be grossed-out if somebody took a shit in your bloodstream?). "Ack! Crona! Quick! Kill it! KILL IT!"

Despite his immense fear, Crona nodded and tightened his grip on the black blade. As he rose to a standing position, a steely glint of determination shone in the boy's eyes. Crona glared at the car, his blade at the ready. "You… Whatever you are, you'd better not hurt us…" As if it would help to drive his point home, Crona swung Ragnarok downward, creating a Razor Wind-like effect.

The Ford didn't seem to be intimidated by the swordsman's show of bravery. It made a loud screeching noise and lunged forward a few inches, which caused Crona and Ragnarok to flinch. However, Patty did not react to the demonic truck's aggressive display. "Crona, Ragnarok. Hold up."

Crona looked back at her over his shoulder. "W-what is it, Patty?"

"It'd better be pretty damn important…" Ragnarok growled.

Patty slowly rose to her feet and took a few trembling steps forward. "D-don't hurt it… Please…"

"Why not?" Ragnarok demanded.

"Because…" Patty said with her gaze fixed upon the F150. "That's my mother."

Time froze. Crona and Ragnarok gaped at Patty, shock etched onto every facial line (or blade, in Ragnarok's case). The Ford quieted down, it's loud engine slowing down into a gentle purring. For what seemed like forever, nobody spoke. Naturally, Ragnarok was the first to break it.

"What the fuck did you smoke today?"

Patty frowned. "No, really. My mother's soul is bound to that truck."

Crona turned around so that he could face his charge. "B-but… It's a truck…"

"Well, yes…" She admitted, looking at the truck. "But there is a soul bound in there… Specifically, my mother's soul."

"H-how can you tell?"

"Hey, it's my mother. I think I'd recognize her anywhere. Besides," Patty said, "due to my nature as a weapon, I'm very accurate when it comes to identifying souls." She grinned and walked toward the truck. "I've missed you, Mom…"

Crona shot his hand out, trying to catch Patty before she got herself killed. Alas, due to the codeine, he slumped down due to dizziness. "N-no…" He gasped, watching on in horror as his charge made her way closer to the demonic truck.

His horror soon changed into a sort of awkward fascination as Patty hugged the truck. The truck/soul/thing didn't run her over or eat her like Crona and Ragnarok expected; rather, it made a contented purring noise. He stared; jaw making an audible sound as it hit the floor. "Wut?"

Ragnarok groaned, his blade dissolving back into his meister's bloodstream. He reformed in his usual location between Crona's shoulder blades. "… My thoughts exactly." He then screeched. "WHY DOES THIS NOT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!?"

Patty leveled a death glare at Ragnarok. "Listen here, you little shit… I'm listening to my mom right now… So shut the hell up…" She then made a rather frightening face. "Or do I have to repeat what I did to you last night?"

Ragnarok paled (not sure how that'd be possible, but he did. So there. Ha!), and instantly barreled down into the sanctuary that was Crona's liver. Crona also paled, but couldn't hide as Ragnarok did. So, to try to distract himself from the sheer terror he was feeling, Crona asked his charge a question. "S-So… You can, ah, talk to it- I mean your mother!" He threw the last part in, remembering that the F150 was at least somewhat human and should be treated as such. Well, that and Crona absolutely hated to be called an 'it.'

"Of course I can!" Patty said indignantly. "Now hush, please! I'm trying to listen to my mom…"

Mollified, Crona huddled up against a wall and watched as Patty raptly listened to the Ford. Occasionally, she would nod her head or say something, but she was as still as a stone for the most part. After about five minutes, she got up and turned to face her temporary guardian. "Here," She said, offering her hand to the other teen. "Let me help you up."

Crona blushed a bit. "O-okay…" He grabbed Patty's hand and swiftly rose to his feet. "Thanks… So, ah… How'd your mom get stuck in a Ford?"

Patty laughed. The F150 made a revving noise that could have been laughter, or just a malfunction (hard to say with such a decrepit machine). "Well, it's kind of a funny story… See, when my mom died out on the streets, her soul somehow ended up in Hell. Not sure how that happened, but whatever. While she was down in Hell, she somehow bound herself to an old DeSoto that belonged to a talking dog and lagomorph. After quite a few misadventures, the trio managed to bust their way out of Hell. Now, Mom would've gone out to find us if it weren't for two things getting in her way." Here she held up two fingers. "The first was a sense of duty to her saviors. She felt that she should help them out for saving her from the depths of Hell. The second reason was due to an overwhelming desire to run over people." Patty shrugged her shoulders when she saw Crona's incredulous look. "What? Traumatic incidents tend to change people."

"Okay…" Crona started. "So how'd she get here? And where's the DeSoto?"

"Sad to say, her saviors were swallowed up by a black plot hole." The truck emitted some steam in sorrow. "And her DeSoto body was also sucked in. She managed to get away by the skin of her teeth! Well, she doesn't really have teeth, seeing that she's a soul, which bound itself to a truck, but you know what I mean. Anyway, she had to find a new form soon, as the black plot hole destabilized her soul, which is a really bad thing."

"Now, come on!" Patty called, getting into her mother's cab (There is a sentence I never thought I'd have to write). "We're going to be late if we dilly-dally any longer!"

Crona sweat dropped as he made his way toward the demon truck. _"So that's where Patty got her oddness from…"_

/

After a rather terrifying ride, the Ford deposited Patty and Crona at the front doors of the Olive Garden.

"Thanks Mom!" Patty called out. Her mom honked and sped off to do Death knows what. She swiveled her head around to look at Crona. "Well, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"

Crona would've told her otherwise, but didn't exactly feel like dealing with any more trouble. "S-should we go in?"

Patty glanced down at her watch. "Hmm… Well, we're early by about two minutes. Let's just wait for them."

And so the two sat, chatting about the weather, school, missions, and eventually Pokémon.

"Gen I was excellent, Gen II was amazing, Gen III was pretty good, Gen IV was okay, and Gen V sucks goat feces!" Patty exclaimed, pointing at Crona. "You know I'm right!"

Crona sighed. "Patty, I keep telling you that you've got the order mixed up. Gen III is the best, then Gen V, Gen IV, Gen II, Gen I."

Patty opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off as a feminine voice sounded. "I'd say Crona's mostly right."

"Maka! Soul!" Patty exclaimed, jumping out of the bench she was sitting on. "Jeez, don't sneak up on me like that! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

Maka giggled and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Sorry Patty. I just couldn't resist!"

"Oi, can we go in and eat now?" Soul called, tapping his foot impatiently against the concrete sidewalk. "I'm bloody starving!"

"And whose fault is that, hmm?" Maka said scathingly. "I told you to eat a small snack before we left if you were that hungry! But did you listen? Noooooooo!"

Soul opened his mouth to make a witty reply, but Crona, who didn't want Soul and Maka to brawl, cut him off. "I NEED TO GO POTTY!"

Everyone paused to stare at Crona, who had his hands covering his mouth. "Sorry…" He said, flushing furiously. "Don't know what came over me… Must've been the codeine…"

Patty was the first to respond. "Well…" She began. "Um… Thanks for the input…?" Soul snickered a bit, but stopped when Maka chopped him. "How about we go in now?"

"Sounds like a good idea!" Maka chimed. "Right, Soul?"

The Scythe blanched. "W-whatever you say, ma'am!"

And so, the quartet (quintet if you count Ragnarok) went inside the Olive Garden. (What, you think I'm a good writer? You think I'm going to add more before the break? Bitch please!)

/ / /

"Wow… This place is packed…"

Indeed, Soul's observation was right on the money. Almost every booth and table in the restaurant was occupied, and it was only due to an incredibly lucky break that the group managed to get placed in a booth.

"Y-yeah…" Crona stammered. Even though he was getting much better at dealing with people, large crowds still made him uncomfortable. Unfamiliar people also disconcerted the teen. He'd nearly had a panic attack when the waitress came for their orders. Or maybe he was just embarrassed that he had to repeat his order because the waitress didn't hear him the first time.

The two girls simultaneously rolled their eyes. "Douglas Adams was right…" Maka muttered. "We humans seem to have a tendency of stating the obvious." Patty nodded in agreement.

Soul seemed to have overhead this and took offense. "You're just bitter because you're still into Pokémon…"

Maka flashed a cheeky grin. "Oh really? The Silver cartridge I found in your jacket would beg to differ."

Everybody laughed, save for Soul. "W-what!?" He exclaimed. "What business of yours was it to snoop around in my jacket!?" Soul briefly paused. "And why are you lying about finding that in there, huh?" This diversion tactic didn't fool anyone; Soul's hand had unconsciously drifted into one of the many pockets of his jacket. Alas, the spotlight eventually drifted off of Soul and the group moved onto other topics.

"So, Patty…" Maka said, lazily twirling a fork with her fingers. "Did you take a cab here?"

Patty shook her head. "Nah, my mom gave us a lift."

"Wait a second, I thought your mom ran off on you and Liz." Soul interjected.

"Not really. She died." Soul and Maka gaped at the human gun, shocked by how apparently easy Patty was taking it. "But she eventually bound herself into a Ford F-150, so it's all good." Crona nodded, trying to back up her rather unbelievable claim.

"… Well… That's interesting…" Maka said, her brain reeling.

Soul continued to gape, but quickly broke out of his dazed mindset. "And speaking of interesting… It looks like there's some sort of commotion coming our way…" The rest of the group turned around to see what Soul was talking about and instantly tensed up when they saw it.

Coming directly toward them from down the aisle was an interesting man/woman duo. The man was incredibly handsome, with rugged, angular features. Huge muscles were barely contained in a navy blue muscle shirt. His legs were clad in a pair of white jeans, which appeared to be close to bursting from how tight they were. Flowing locks of orange hair were tied up in a ponytail. He appeared to be in his early twenties. The woman was about as beautiful as the man. She was wearing a green and white dress, which was accented by various precious gemstones littered around on it and somehow managed to show off her Z-cup bust. The woman had two-tone eyes, one purple and one blue. Her stomach-length ebony hair seemed to shimmer in the dim lighting.

The incomplete SE gang hated them almost instantly.

"What the fuck are _those!_" Patty hissed, her eyes narrowing into slits.

"I don't know…" Maka growled. "But their wavelengths are off the charts! I'd say that they might be on Shinigami-Sama's level! Maybe even higher then that…"

Crona shivered. "They're abominations… I'd recognize one instantly… From, ah… Personal experience…"

Everyone at the table felt a sudden surge of pity for Crona, but couldn't offer him any due to the perfect abominations arriving in front of them. Everyone glared at the duo. "Can I help you?" Soul asked curtly.

The she-creature spoke first. "I'm M r3n Raven Sus nn n3." Her voice was sickeningly melodious, and also seemed to be in some sort of Internet speak.

" nd I'm L rry Wu!" Shouted her companion. The gang couldn't quite place it, but something seemed off about the way L rry and M r3n spoke. "W3 N33d Tabl3! S0 M0v3!"

"Argh!" Maka cried, clapping her hands over her ears. "Stop it! You're butchering the English language!"

Crona shuddered. "Um… M-maybe we should do as they say…"

"Y3 h!" L rry bellowed, instantly giving everyone in the vicinity (excluding M r3n and himself) a smashing headache. "Y0u b3tt3rr g3t ot! List3n t0 ur f gg0t fri3nd!"

"0h, L rry…" M r3n said, wrapping herself around her boy toy. "U r s0 nic3 nd kind!"

Patty shot to her feet. Calling her guardian/friend names was a surefire way to make Patty revert into 'Scary Patty.' "LISTEN HERE, BITCH!" She howled, vaulting over the booth table to confront the atrocities. "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT! IMMA CUT YOUR FACES OFF AND WEAR THEM AS MASKS WHENEVER I TAKE A SHIT!"

Soul and Maka exchanged a glance. "We should probably intervene before somebody dies…"

L rry laughed. "H ! U w nt 2 fight m3, lttl gurl? Bring it on!1!"

Crona sighed and got out of the booth to stand next to Patty. "I'm sorry, but I cannot allow you to hurt her."

"H !" M r3n laughed. "U canot win!1! L ry iz ttly wsum!" The female abomination stretched her hand out at the SE gang. "L rry, pl3 z cl3 r dis boot out, plz!"

"Wit pl3azur, m h d rling qu33n!" A brilliant green aura burst into life around him as the he-creature began to scream. "H !1!1! T K3 TIS! SUP R US0M UR TTK THING!" His green aura expanded into the form of a dragon. It roared at the startled SE gang and charged at them.

"Dodge, quick!" Maka ordered, snapping into her battle mindset.

Crona squeaked. "I t-think it's t-too big to d-dodge, Maka! W-we n-need to b-block it!"

Soul frowned. "Wait, is it just me or should that attack have hit us by now?"

"T LKIN IZ FR33 CTUN!" L rry roared. "M33T UR D00M!1! L0L!1!"

They tried to dodge.

They didn't make it.

With a deafening explosion, the battered and bruised SE gang was rocketed through the roof of the Olive Garden.

"Damn it, what _were_ those?" Maka hissed.

"I don't know… And I'm not sure if I want to find out…" Crona whimpered. "Why can't life ever be normal…?"

Patty giggled. "Because, silly! Abnormality is the new normal!" Abruptly, she switched back into her genocidal rage. "I'LL KILL BOTH OF YOU, YOU NO GOOD GOAT FUCKERS! I'LL CRAWL DOWN YOUR NASTY-ASS THROATS AND EAT YOU FROM THE INSIDE-OUT! BIIIIIIIITCH!"

Maka, Patty, and Crona then called out as one. "LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"

"NOT COOL!" Soul shouted, before they became a mere twinkle in the sky.

(In a different dimension, a trio of thieves and a blue blob thing sneeze. However, they merely believe that they are coming down with colds, as being shot into the stratosphere on a near-daily basis is rather rough on the immune system).

/ / /

"Hmm…" Stein muttered, gazing into Shinigami-Sama's mirror. On the other end was a collection of his students, all of whom appeared to be worse for the wear. "You say that these people were so beautiful that they were ugly, had massive amounts of power, and spoke in an odd manner?" The group nodded.

Stein sighed. "I've got nothing." He glanced to his left. "You got anything, Shinigami-Sama?"

The Reaper blinked. "Well… It's incredibly unlikely… But I suppose, what with the Madness Wavelength and all…" He sighed. "Everyone, I believe we have a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu on our hands."

His statement was met with a confused silence. Stein eventually spoke up. "A… Mary Sue? Gary Stu?"

Shinigami-Sama nodded. "Yes…"

"What's that?" Maka asked. She wasn't sure why, but every time that those names were spoken, her stomach churned and bile rose in her mouth.

"Mary Sues and Gary Stus are, in essence, golems." Shinigami-Sama elaborated. "They are created when multiple unstable souls are conglomerated into one physical body. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. The golems would have souls, yes, but they wouldn't have any energy to operate."

"Well… What energy fuels them?" Stein asked.

Shinigami-Sama's tone became even more somber. "They harness angst as their sole energy source." His words were met with gasps of horror. "Nobody knows how they manage to tap into the energy, but tap in they do. And once they obtain the energy, they transform into something… _else…_"

Soul started drooling a bit. "Wait… Does this mean that they're Kishin Eggs?"

"No." Shinigami-Sama said. "The inhabited body undergoes multiple radical physical changes, resulting in, as you said, disgusting beauty. They also develop super strength, regardless of muscle mass. Alas, a by-product of this metamorphosis is damage to their brain's speech processing centers." He paused. "They also undergo various mental changes. Due to the high concentration of souls inhabiting the body, they tend to act abnormally, and almost always suffer from hyper-aggression and nymphomania." Everybody made a face of disgust.

"Ew…" Patty said.

"S-Seconded…" Crona added.

Maka raised her hand. "Shinigami-Sama… Is there any way to defeat these creatures?"

Here the Reaper clapped, reverting back into his usual cheerful persona. "Yep, yep~! I'm glad you asked, Maka!" He cleared his throat. "It's quite simple, actually. See, the golem's can be thwarted if you are able to get a large number of people to become extremely happy. The surge of positive emotions will interfere with the golem's energy supply, significantly weakening them. That's your chance to strike them down. Of course, this doesn't mean that they aren't dangerous anymore; in fact, they're about as powerful as witches when you're able to weaken them."

The students looked at one another. "Well…" Soul began. "We did manage to take down Asura, right? So shouldn't this be even easier?"

Maka shook her head. "No, not at all… From what it sounds like, we're going to have to make a lot of people happy for this to work… Plus, Kid and Liz are going to be absent, so we'll be significantly weaker…"

"But… How are we going to make everybody that happy?" Crona mused.

Patty quickly answered him. "… I've got it! We'll organize a band battle!" She received blank stares from everyone else (excluding Shinigami-Sama; you really can't tell what his stare is like). She pouted. "Oh, come on! It always works on the television!"

Soul groaned. "Patty, real life isn't like television!"

"I know that!" She snapped back. "Sorry, but… Doesn't _anyone_ think my idea is good?"

There was a brief and rather uncomfortable pause. Shinigami-Sama eventually spoke up. "… Why, yes, that _is _a good idea, Patty…" He clapped his oversized hands together. "Okie dokie everyone~! Meet me here tomorrow morning at nine sharp. Also, bring Black*Star and Tsubaki along. We've got a lot of planning to do!"

Everybody else (except for the cheering Patty) sweatdropped. "Oh dear…" Stein muttered. "This cannot end well…"

"Agreed…" Soul said. Crona felt extremely worried, and Maka was just flat-out lost.

None of them knew that, at that very moment, they were being watched. A hooded figure was peering down at them from one of the many windows in the Death Room. "Interesting…" It muttered. "This may be just the thing I needed." A raven suddenly dive-bombed the figure, causing it to scream and plummet to its death. By an odd coincidence, Patty's mother was in the neighborhood at the time. As she was rather hungry, the truck proceeded to eat the corpse (Cars can't eat or feel hunger? Screw you!).

After all, nobody really wants an infuriatingly mysterious-yet-generic OC who stalks people and wears a creepy robe! That's just creepy (and redundant)! The hands! _What are they doing in their robe with their hands!?_ Well now, I suppose the now-deceased OC is also a pedophile. Joy.

/ / /

… I am having a rather hard time believing that this chapter is twenty pages long…

This is great! Truth be told, I was starting to worry if I'd ever squeeze this out (and the regular readers probably felt the same)!

Yes, I added a Mary Sue and Gary Stu. They're a pretty important plot element for this arc, so I'm not going to dump them. Besides, it's so much fun writing them! And bashing them! At the same time! Hooray for overuse of exclamation points!

The next update should be in a month or two. Next week I'm going on vacation, and the week after that is the last week of summer vacation. And with school starting and whatnot, I'm going to have to spend a bit of time adjusting to the change. Sorry! I will try to get it up sooner than this chapter, though…

Anyway, have a great rest of the summer! Cherish and utilize every single second of it!

L rry: L0L! R3VW 0R IL CUM 2 UR HOUSE ND SIT ON U!1!1!1!

M r3n: nd I'm g0nn h v sxy-tim3 wit L rry! H3s s0 h wt!


	11. Special Thanks Chapter

Hi all! OXYCODONEFROG here!

You might be thinking; _"What the hell, man? This isn't a story chapter! What gives around here!?"_

Yes, this is not a story chapter. Next chapter will pick up from where we last left off on. However, I've been doing some thinking and research… And I decided to include a chapter dedicated to all forty-nine reviews this story has attracted. I did not realize up until recently that not responding to reviews might make me come across as an ingrate. That and it's just rude to not respond to your responses!

I also was curious about something, so I calculated what my ranking is in the entire Soul Eater repository. I mean EVERY story published on this site; regardless of language, rating, genera, etc. Thanks to you, my audience, I am now at the top 7.2th percentile of Soul Eater fics on this site, as of August 26, 2012. Or, to simplify things, CPST is in 831th place (of course, my mathematical skills suck, so these numbers may or may not be accurate). Not too shabby, eh?

So, for all those who have reviewed/followed/favorite, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that sounds sappy, but that's just the way it is.

Gratitude Powers, Activate!

/ / /

1.) FlyingMintBunny579: Congrats! You are CPST's very first reviewer! As such, you get an Internet Cookie! But beware of the Internet Cookie Monster, because that guy is effing _crazy!_ (::)

2.) dino kid: Yes, it still astounds me that people actually LIKE this fic. Glad you enjoyed it! The later chapters are better, though, so you'd hopefully like those a lot more.

3.) 34A7B: Hey hey, thanks for the extolment! Alas, due to this website's rules and my own trepidation, I do not believe that this will become a lemon. There may be a way to compromise, though. We'll see.

4.) Commando: Not yet. It actually appears as if my madness is _receding_ rather than burgeoning like I thought it would. But that aside, I'm happy that you enjoy this! I hope that the absence of any heavy smut doesn't drive you off, though…

5.) OXYCODONEFROG: You should've waited for this chapter to throw out thanks, now shouldn't you?

6&7.) boob tube watcher3452: Well, CPST is updated relatively soon… There are some fanfics that have a year or more in-between updates. Anyway, thanks! I hope I don't disappoint!

8.) boob tube watcher3452: Back again, non? I'm glad that this strikes you as hilarious. The beta matter has been mostly resolved, though. And please don't feel bad about not knowing any betas! Now if only mirror phones actually existed; no more worries about developing cancer from a phone!

9.) OXYCODONEFROG: NO! BAD DOG! GET BACK DOWN INTO YOUR CELLAR! ***throws boot at self***

10&11.) TheAUWalker: That is peculiar… I wasn't aware that flowering plants could write…

12.) boob tube watcher3452: Thanks! And yes, there will be more coming. I'm hoping to finish this with at least twenty chapters and before I leave for college. Since I'm now a Junior in high school, you can relax; This story still has a rather long life ahead of it.

13.) OXYCODONEFROG: Yes. Yes you can. Now GTFO.

14.) boob tube watcher3452: Well, it isn't exactly quite as how you envisioned it, but I wrote something like this twice.

15.) borgking12: Really? Jeez, I'm sorry that I hurt you with laughter… But thanks for finding Chapter Two that funny.

16.) Rekkara the wolf: Are you kidding me? I almost soiled myself when I saw how vastly outnumbered my gender is here! Not that it's a bad thing; I'm just unused to being in a minority. Of course, I got over it rather quickly; CPST would have probably died if I didn't right myself. And thanks for the compliment! I try to keep the characters as in character as possible… except for when I don't.

17.) Lancer07: Thanks! Endings are always somewhat difficult for me to write. The middle part is easy as pie, but beginnings? Roughly 76% of the wait between updates is due to me being paranoid about kicking the next chapter off.

18.) blackberrybunny: I'm glad you found that humorous. And yes, more will be on the way. It'll just take some time. A lot of time, actually, seeing as how I get a new chapter posted every month or so.

19.) Lancer07: I would, but the ToS has my hands tied. When I get to be a bit older, I might create another account on, say, BlogSpot, and post the lemon there. But for now, no citrus.

20.) boob tube watcher3452: Well, seeing as how my writing style has improved (I think/hope), it is so much easier for me to write long chapters. And thank you for the compliment!

21.) ChowHound: Thanks!

22.) Eletric Ecletic: Well, they do share some similarities. For example, both are rather naive and both have had multiple psychotic episodes. But other than that, they are polar opposites. And thank you so much for your generous offer! I'm sorry to say this, but I no longer need a beta reader. However, I have plans for this story later on that involve a beta reader, so I'll P.M you if you feel the same.

23.) JMB: If I can't make this work, then only duct tape can! And thank you for your observation about Maka. Crona would probably go to her first if he had a problem. Oh well, what the hell? I already wrote that part as it is, and I think I will keep it that way. That's how shit works!

24.) Ryuichi17: Oho, do not fret! We're only starting on the second arc! There are going to be three arcs total, not including some 'extras' at the end of the story.

25.) Ryuichi17: If you read chapter seven, you're going to have a bad time. ***Skis away***

26.) The Sovereign Lord of Darkness: Wow… That is one impressive title. And yes, pure crack is awesome. Thanks so much!

27.) boob tube watcher3452: When I wrote it, I thought it was dark. But then I took an arrow to the knee. As I lay on my couch recovering, I read _Latias' Journey _by Ri2. That, my friend, is dark. Seriously, it gave me nightmares.

28.) ***rimshot***

29.) Ryuichi17: He's the woobiest woobie that ever woobied! … Yes, I just referenced TV Tropes.

30.) Redbelladona: But of course. Remember episode 13? Maka and Soul were scared shitless by her wrath. As the saying goes, "Beware the Nice Ones."

31.) SilentFan493: Wait a second… 493 = Arceus… FTW, man! Epic! Anyway, thank you so very much for all of the thought you put into your review. Do I really keep the characters safe from the corrupting OOC-itis? And yes, Panda (PAtty anD CronA) needs lots of love. So, sir or ma'am or 'mon, thank you for reviewing my humble work! I salute you! ***Salutes***

32.) Mr. Dinosaur15: Well, thank you! Yeah, I know that this isn't canon (unless you squint really hard and twist your head to such an angle that it almost snaps), but deviating from canon is always fun! And thank you for your empathy. It was difficult at first, but I've got a better grip on my mind now, so the stimulants don't cause me to freak out anymore. I would feel down about it, but I now seem to be unable to feel sorrow for more than an hour at a time. But hey, thanks. And please don't forget that your offer goes two ways; if you ever need to get something off of your chest, I will always be there to listen.

33.) Mad H30RXING Skillz: Hmm… You may be right. That ending, with Crona's friends filing in to his room, is sort of corny. But hey. We're all working in The Pit of Voles. It is only natural for us writers to make mistakes. Thank you for your input. I will try to avoid excessive corniness in the future.

34.) Ryuichi17: Meh, blame school and studying for finals. Thanks for being so enthusiastic about this story! I will try to update quicker, but I make no promises.

35.) boob tube watcher3452: But of course! Stein knows all! … Or does his screw know all? Hm…

36.) Imak1299: Thank you! I always feel a bit frustrated when authors jump into a romance without building up the character's relations much. I'm glad you enjoyed this story, and feel free to comment. You're always welcome here.

37.) boob tube watcher3452: Thanks! Hardly anyone calls me awesome. I'm just that creepy guy in the corner who constantly scribbles in his notebook. (I do this all the time at school dances. I love getting a black notebook and writing 'Death Note' on the front. It scares the freshmen because they think they're actually going to die).

38.) 34A7B: Oi. And I thought that sophomore year was tough. The first week of my junior year I had to write three different reports. But don't worry about consistent reviewing; everybody knows that I have my fair share of schedule slippage. And yes, a 747. Big men need big planes, no?

39.) 34A7B: I really need to get myself a pair of silk pants…

40.) SchrodingersMonster: Ack! Don't die! (Ragnarok cuts in: "Buckets of fuck!")… I am such a people pleaser…

41.) SchrodingersMonster: Opiates make everything 40% funnier! It's a proven fact! … But the irony is that I've never been on my pen name's namesake. Huh. And don't worry about creeping: it is one of my favorite sports! And yes, I call it a sport. You've gotta' move fast if you want to escape rather brutal beatings. Next chapter should be up by the start of October.

42.) OXYCODONEFROG: … You are pathetic. Really? You sir have now been dubbed 'Harp Darp.'

43.) boob tube watcher3452: Not all OCs are Sues. And, sadly, not all Sues are OCs. But I'm glad you enjoyed that terrifying 1337 talk. I gaged while writing it.

44.) Ciel Phamntomhive Michaelis: Really? Thank you! I'm very glad that chapter one gets some love.

45.) Ciel Phamntomhive Michaelis: Thanks! It was the most difficult chapter I've ever written to date.

46.) BigFancy: Trust me, it hurt even more to have to write it. The closest comparison to the amount of pain that 1337 speak generated is being raped by a flaming goat with a razor tipped penis.

47.) Little Snuggle: I always wondered about that. Ragnarok eats more than any other Soul Eater character, yet we have no idea of how he eliminates waste. Perhaps it gets passed on to Crona, who then passes it the normal way. Or maybe he just shits in the poor guy's bloodstream.

48.) num: Om nom nom?

49.) LeonWolfyBenertt: Thank you! I love throwing shit from the left field at my readers. And, from what I've seen in some of the jumbled text you inserted, I do believe I know your identity. Pokémon no. 151, Mew! Mew. Problem?

/ / /

And we're done!

The next chapter should be up in three to five weeks, give or take a week.

See you then!


	12. Chapter 12: Money Matters, part I

Hello, I'm OXYCODONEFROG – I write it so you don't have to!

***Beaten and shot by Doug Walker***

Now, I want to apologize to you all right off the bat. It has been far, far too long since the last update. I've taken some hard class this semester, so there hasn't been a lot of time in my schedule to write this. But that doesn't really matter. I goofed up, and I am extremely sorry about it. Hopefully there will never be a wait this long again.

Anyway, here we are! The SE gang's resolve to defeat the golems is great; alas, their dream is having a rather hard time getting off the ground.

But first~!

FlyingMintBunny579: Or unless the Cookie Monster gets to you.

TheAUWalker: But what chrysanthemums? Oh, and you also have a fake Death Note? Cool!

Imak1299: STFU AND READ THE CHAPTER! HARUMPH! Oh, and you're welcome. I figured that I should get around to thanking my reviewers. You included.

num: I summon the Cookie Monster. You may now beg for mercy.

LeonWolfyBernert: So you aren't Mew? Then… Are you Mewtwo?

greyvss: Hell hath no fury like an angry Tsubaki.

greyvss: Oh, so a Tyrannosaurus Rex devoured you? It reminds me of the time I was handcuffed to a bunk bed with a velociraptor. I still have nightmares about it!

greyvss: Read _Latias' Journey _by Ri2. This fic can and will give you nightmares. Nightmares that will not end, even once you wake up.

Insane Lord of Madness: True, true… I hope I'm doing better with that now.

Insane Lord of Madness: This is also true. However, I plead intentional OOC-ness.

LeonWolfyBernert: Mewtwo!

Okay, now that I've responded to you reviewers…

Kiai!

/ / /

Saturday morning found one Marie Mjonlir brewing coffee and humming happily. Of course, who wouldn't be happy in her position; Stein had finally decided that his beakers and Bunsen burners were no longer adequate for their increased coffee and tea consumption (that, and he was terrified that Marie might kill him in his sleep if he didn't get a move on). She giggled and did a pirouette, causing her rather skimpy nightgown to twirl elegantly around her. Yeah… Did I forget to mention that she had woken up a mere half-hour ago?

The author's digression was interrupted when the Patchwork Lab's doorbell rang. Marie winked (she has one eye, deal with it) in confusion, and then looked at the clock. _"Now who would be calling on us at eight in the morning?"_ She shrugged, strolling leisurely to the front door. "Just a second!" She called in response to the visitors knocking yet again.

Marie unlocked the door and reached out to grab the doorknob, only to pause millimeters away. "_Hold on… Am I going to answer the door looking like this?" _She shook her head and clucked. _"Honestly Marie, you are such a ditz sometimes."_ Without further preamble, the human war hammer pulled a band out (from where? Don't ask me, I'm just as confused as you are) and tied her hair up in a ponytail. "There!" She said, placing her fists on her hips. "Now I'm presentable!"

Marie opened the door, only to find a rather odd spectacle on the doorstep. There stood Patty and Crona, the latter hiding behind the former. This wasn't so odd, as Crona was wont to hide behind people in uncomfortable situations (which, for him, was almost every social encounter). What was odd, however, was that the two were wearing French maid outfits. Both outfits were rather exposing in the back. Their skirts were short, though Marie had the sneaking suspicion that Crona's skirt was shorter. The duo also had tight, long white stockings, and tight white gloves, which ended just above their elbows. These garments had black lace wrapped around them, forming a double helix. Small black bands with white lace were perched in neat blonde and unruly pink hair.

For a few minutes, this odd trio just stood there. Marie stared at Patty and Crona. Crona and Patty stared at Marie. Elsewhere, a bird shat on Soul's motorcycle.

Patty proceeded to break the silence. "Damn… I think you might've made me bi, Miss Marie." Crona's eyes rolled up into the back of his skull, and he promptly fainted, a puddle of black blood staining the concrete. The black blood quickly reformed into Ragnarok, who glanced up at the two females.

"Yo. Can I videotape that?"

Marie screamed.

/ / /

_Outside Death City Pawn…_

Tsubaki grunted slightly as she readjusted her colossal backpack. "Um… Maka? Not to complain or anything, but… Why didn't we take the bus?"

Maka sighed, wearing not only a _larger_ backpack than Tsubaki's own, but dragging two bulging suitcases behind her. "I keep… telling you…" She gasped, pausing to wipe some sweat off of her brow. "We need… instruments… for the… upcoming band battle… And… we… don't… have… nearly… enough… money… for… them…" With a weary groan, Maka promptly plopped herself down on the hot sidewalk.

"Here…" Tsubaki said, grabbing Maka's hand and pulling. "Come on… Up you go."

Maka gave her friend a small, grateful smile. "Thanks. Hey, mind opening the front door for me?"

"I think I have a slightly better idea…" Tsubaki said. She grabbed Maka's suitcases and, with a noise of exertion, lifted them off the ground. "Hurry!" She gasped. "Open the door! Open the door!"

"That won't be necessary…" A thin, reedy voice cut in. Maka and Tsubaki blinked at each other before turning to the source of the voice.

Standing in front of the pawnshop was a rather routed man who appeared to be in the earlier segment of middle age. His greasy black hair was slicked back into a ponytail, which shone weirdly in the sun. The man was wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses that obscured his eyes. Even though the stranger was wearing a heavy wool suit, he didn't appear to be even the slightest bit uncomfortable in the excessive heat. He flashed a rather yellow grin at the two teens. "I take it that you are interested in pawning some items…"

Maka frowned slightly. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but… Who are you?"

"Oh! Forgive me for my rudeness!" The man bowed. "Natas Cifer, owner and sole employee of Death City Pawn, at your service." The man now identified as Natas cleared his throat. "Now, let me ask you again: are you interested in selling those items?"

The two girls nodded in affirmation. "Yes, please." Tsubaki said. "If you would just be so kind as to open the door…"

Natas shook his head. "That won't be necessary, ma'am," he suavely said, causing Tsubaki to blush at the compliment. "Here, let me carry those bags in for you."

"O-oh! No, please!" Tsubaki denied. "I can carry them in! It's no problem at all, honestly!"

Alas, Tsubaki didn't keep the longing out of her voice, and Natas picked up on it immediately. He flashed her yet another golden grin. "Please. I insist." Before either girl could protest, he strolled over to the suitcases and lifted them up with apparent ease. "Well, come along now." Natas called over his shoulder, returning to the interior of the pawnshop.

Maka and Tsubaki sweatdropped. Or, they would've if the weren't dehydrated from dragging extremely heavy luggage for a few miles. "Did he just carry those suitcases as if they were filled with feathers?" Tsubaki asked.

"This Natas character better have something to drink in there…" Maka panted. "I can't remember the last time I felt so thirsty!" As if to drive her point home, Maka's cracked lips started to bleed.

Tsubaki tilted her head. "What about that time you became delirious from staying out in the desert too long and-"

Maka flushed. "I thought we agreed to never talk about that again."

"Oh! S-sorry!" Tsubaki whispered. "I'm so sorry, Maka! I didn't know that you still hadn't recovered from the trauma of-"

"I'LL MEET YOU INSIDE!" Maka roared, sprinting into Death City Pawn to escape her unknowing tormenter.

"I can't believe she still isn't over that…" Tsubaki murmured, following her friend into the shop.

/ / /

_Elsewhere, outside of the Gallows…_

Soul's head shot up, his 'bike sense' blaring. "Dude…" He whispered, crimson eyes wide with horror. "My baby… Something has defiled it…"

Black*Star, who was sitting on Soul's left, sipped on his lemonade. "Seriously, are you a mechanophile or something? Dude, Maka is totally into you!"

Soul banged his head down on the lemonade stand he and the cocky ninja had constructed earlier that day. "Not cool, man…" He said in a muffled voice.

His narcissistic friend snickered in a most obnoxious manner. "Come on, is da wittle bawby mad?" Soul tilted his head just enough to glare at Black*Star. "Your negativity has somehow managed to blot out my shining greatness! Listen to our lack of customers!" Vultures could be heard cawing overhead. "Be like those singing fish, bro!" The ninja then began to sing in a grating voice that was so awful that it caused the vultures to suffer fatal coronaries. _"Don't worry! … Be happy!"_

Soul punched his friend in the arm, which caused the singer to howl. Ironically enough, the narcissistic ninja's scream of pain was far more pleasant than his singing voice. Soul blinked, staring at his friend. "Woah…" He said after a few seconds. "I thought I told you to use sunscreen."

"AHHH WITH THE BURNING!" the red-as-a-lobster Black*Star bellowed. "OH MY DEATH IT BURNS!"

This uncharacteristic break of Black*Star's character freaked Soul out. "Oh shit man! I'm so sorry!" Needless to say, the roars of pain drowned his apologies out.

Now here, pause for a moment to see Soul's perspective. Black*Star was hot, as indicated by him screaming about burning. Burning is what fires do. Fires are very hot. Water is cool. Water puts out fire. Lemonade is a form of water. Therefore, dumping a gallon of lemonade on Black*Star would treat his n_th-_degree sunburns. So, after Soul spent two-and-a-fourth seconds reasoning, he immediately ripped the lid off of the mostly-full gallon of lemonade and dumped it on the ninja.

This was a mistake.

"HOLY SHIT I'M ON FIRE!" The panicked Black*Star howled in agony. "WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO HORRIBLE!?"

"I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP!" Soul shrieked in reply.

"WHAT KIND OF DUMBASS ARE YOU!?"

"THE ONE WHO TREID TO HELP YOUR DUMB SUNBURNED ASS, THAT'S WHO!"

"WELL IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK!"

"I CAN SEE THAT!"

Black*Star threw a punch at Soul. The human scythe barely managed to avoid the punch, but overbalanced and fell out of his chair. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN!?" Rather than wait for a reply, Soul rocketed off of the ground and tackled Black*Star out of his seat. The two then proceeded to wrestle uninterrupted on the Gallow's front lawn for the next few minutes until…

"Nya~! You two look so funny!"

The two testosterone-laden brawlers turned their heads to face Blair, who was leaning on the front of their lemonade stand. The cat/woman hybrid smiled at them. "Something the matter?"

"He poured lemonade on my sunburn!" Black*Star said.

"That's because I thought it might, oh, I don't know, _help?_" Soul snarled. "It's you own damn fault for not wearing sunscreen!"

Blair's ears twitched. "Nya~ I think I may be able to help…" She extended her sylphlike hands out toward Black*Star and mumbled a spell. There was a flash of blue light, a sound like a raging blizzard howling through a forest, and Black*Star was revealed, his sunburn gone. However…

_"Blue!?" _the ninja howled.

Blair pouted. "Well, ex-cuse me for curing your awful n_th_-degree sunburn! You should be back to normal in a day or two." She huffed. "Besides, Sid is blue and nobody taunts him! Much…"

Suddenly, Sid walked up to the trio, decked out in plaid clothes and wearing a thick pair of nerd glasses. "Excuse me," he said, "but I had blue skin before it was cool." The zombie then left, leaving behind three extremely confused characters and an even more confused audience.

Soul blinked. "Okay, then… That's something you don't see everyday…" He shook his head as if it would dispel the bizarre incidence. "So, Blair, what're you doing here?"

At this, the cat woman regained focus. "What? Oh, yeah! I heard about what happened yesterday and I wanted to check up on you. Besides," she bristled. "I want your help."

The two blinked. "Our help?" Black*Star said, an unusually thoughtful look on his face. "Why do you need our help?"

Blair sat down on the lemonade stand and emitted a sad sigh. "Well, earlier today I was working at Chupa Chabaras when a hideously beautiful _thing_ sauntered in through the front door."

Soul paled. "Don't tell me…"

"Maren Sue." Blair sighed again. "She started screaming about how this was demeaning to women and other bullshit. So the manager comes up to her and is instantly smitten with her and offers her a job." Blair snarled. "Yeah, well, times are tough, you know? So the bitch does a complete 180 and takes the job! And guess who got axed…"

Black*Star frowned. "You?"

"You got it…" Blair sighed miserably. "I just don't know what to do…"

"Well…" Soul said. "I don't see why not… Are you any good with instruments?"

Blair put her chin in her hand in thought. "No, the only instrument I ever played was the flute. I was horrible at it, so I decided to be a bit innovative and used it as a-"

"Too much information!" Soul yelled.

Blair pouted. "I was going to say backscratcher…" Soul sighed in relief. "… and as a dildo."

Soul made a pathetic whimpering noise and a dopey smile graced Black*Star's face. "Dude, Soul, you got trolled." The ninja's grin then grew wider. "And I just had a brilliant idea. Blair! Do you see that lamppost over there?"

"Yes." Blair said. "Why?"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

A deviant gleam shone in Blair's eyes. "I'm thinking what you're thinking."

/ / /

"So, let me get this straight…" Marie (now fully clothed) stared at the two maids across a table. Steam gently rose from the cups of tea Marie had provided for Crona and Patty. "You don't have enough money to buy instruments so you and your friends went out to raise money…" The faux-French maids nodded. "And you decided to clean people's houses, right?"

Crona fidgeted. "W-well… Yeah…"

"But why did you two dress as French maids? I guess it would be okay for Patty, but, ah, you're a boy, Crona…"

Patty answered the question before Crona could. "Two reasons. One, Crona here is gender-ambiguous. People who don't know who he is wouldn't know the difference. And two, traps are really popular these days." Crona blanched.

Marie blinked. "What's a trap?"

"Don't answer that!" Crona squeaked, causing Patty to pout. "A-anyway…" He started, trying to change the subject. "C-could we clean the lab for you?"

Patty hummed happily. "And it would be for a good cause!"

For about a minute, Marie looked down into her cup of tea, obviously lost in thought. She then smiled sunnily at the two teens. "Well, why not? Sure! After all, I could use a day off." Patty squealed and jumped up, clapping ecstatically.

"Marie? What's all this hullabaloo?" Stein's voice wafted down from the staircase.

"Hey, Stein! It looks like I've got the day off after all!" Marie hollered back.

"I thought you said you had to clean the lab today!"

"Oh, so it's a woman's job to clean up after a man, now?"

Stein's exasperated groan could be heard. "We're not having this argument again, Marie."

Marie grinned devilishly. "What's the matter, Frank? Scared to loose to a girl? _Again?_"

"Um… I hate to interrupt your little spat, but… Where do you want us to start cleaning?" Patty asked.

"Oh. Oh!" Marie said, remembering what she was talking about before her digression. "Yeah, just the kitchen, living room, and hallways would be good. Just stay out of the living-room; it digested the last cleaning crew who went in there." Crona and Patty blanched. "And if you could, please stay out of my bedroom."

"And if you could avoid cleaning up my laboratory, please. I've been working on a rather volatile experiment, and any remnants could explode if not disposed of properly." Stein, who had drifted like a specter down the stairs, took a drag off of his cigarette. "I know I don't want to know the answer, but Crona, why are you cross-dressing." He then waved his free hand around in a circular motion. "Wait, I've changed my mind; I really don't want to know. Marie?"

The human war hammer perked up slightly. "Yes Frank?"

"If you could, would you please be a dear and drive the car today? I have a strong feeling that I'm going to spend the next few hours picking shards of glass out of my skin."

"Okay, sur- wait, what?" Marie said.

Stein started to run towards a window. "Thanks! I knew I could count on you, Marie! Toodles~!" And with that, the semi-mad doctor careened through a window, sending razor-sharp spines of glass all over the place. Marie, Patty, and Crona stared at the scene for a few moments, respective jaws hitting the floor.

It was Crona who broke the silence. "I don't think I look _that_ bad in this…" Marie and Patty burst out into helpless laughter.

/ / /

The first thing the feminine duo noticed about Death City Pawn was a rather musty odor. Maka sneezed and Tsubaki wrinkled her nose, but quickly donned a fake smile when Natas turned around and offered her companion a handkerchief. "So…" The human Swiss-army knife began. "Um… Pretty nice place you've got here."

Natas flashed his yellowed smile at her. "Thank you. Now, may I take your items into my office? I'll be appraising your goods for about a…" Here Natas whirled his left hand around. "Quarter of an hour? Half hour?" He shrugged. "Anyway, please feel free to browse the shop or to help yourself to a chair." With an abrupt turn, the pawnshop owner strode into his office and locked the door.

Tsubaki and Maka stood in place for a few moments, somewhat disconcerted by Natas' departure. "Wow… Pretty taciturn fellow, isn't he?" Maka said.

Tsubaki frowned and nodded. "Yeah, I'm getting a weird vibe from him…" She coughed. "Sorry. Anyway… Might as browse while we're waiting."

"Yeah… I hope there's a water fountain or something in here." Maka rasped. "I think I'm going to fucking drop…"

And so, the two split apart: Maka in search of something to drink, and Tsubaki perused the shelves aimlessly.

Tsubaki shivered, getting an odd sense of dread as she scanned over the various goods and knick-knacks littering the dusty shelves. _"Geez, this place is… creepy."_ Off in a far, dark corner, Tsubaki could see a faint gleam. She frowned and walked over to the mysterious item, which turned out to be a porcelain doll, eyes reflecting a thin strip of light. _"Yeah, creepy."_ Tsubaki wandered off, not noticing the doll's head slowly rotating in her direction.

Meanwhile, Maka was having no success in finding something to drink.

"I'm having no success in finding something to drink!" She growled, stamping her foot. "That's it! I'm not going through all this shit to kill the abominations! I'm going to tear them to pieces with my bare hands!" Maka turned around, fully intending to tell Tsubaki that she was going to take matters into her own hands.

And then she saw a deep red, six-panel door covered in vine-like black iron. Above it, a helpful blue sign proudly proclaimed 'Bathroom.' Maka sweatdropped. "I can't believe I missed that…" Feeling like nothing more needed to be said, Maka strode forward and pushed the door open…

But spun around when she heard Tsubaki scream. "TSUBAKI!" Maka yelled, sprinting over to try to help her friend. After passing row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row upon row of shelves, Maka finally found Tsubaki, and skidded to a halt when she saw the predicament her friend was in.

"Um… Did I really scream that loud?" The sheepish Tsubaki asked, futilely attempting to extract her index fingers from a Chinese finger trap. Maka's eye twitched dangerously.

And then shit got real.

/ / /

Things were looking up for Death City Lemonade. Due to Blair's, ah, _talents,_ men and lesbians from all across the city to catch a glimpse of the sexy cat woman. Of course, what with the excessive temperature and hyperactivity of the crowd, most onlookers found themselves desperately thirsty at some point. Conveniently enough, the onlookers found a lemonade stand set up not too far from the show. Try to guess to whom the stand belonged.

"I can't believe it, Soul!" Black*Star cheered, returning from the Gallows with a barrel of lemonade slung casually over his shoulder. "We're rich!"

Soul, who was engaged with serving the hundreds of parched partygoers, shook his head. "I don't know, Black*Star… Something about this just doesn't feel right…"

Black*Star set the barrel down and clapped the human scythe on the shoulder. "Aw, come on, pal! Blair wanted to do this, remember? We're not exploiting her or anything."

"Which is fucking stupid!" Someone in the crowd bellowed.

"Arr, I'd be agreein' with this one," a pirate said. "I'd plunder her booty all day long, harr!"

Soul blinked. "What's a pirate doing here? Don't they typically live near water?"

The pirate slumped over a bit. "The Captn' outsourced me…"

Black*Star, who noticed that Soul looked like he was going to say something else, elbowed him hard in the side. "Don't question the random plot element!" he hissed. Soul wisely said nothing and continued serving the teeming masses.

Other than that little aberration, the party continued to progress smoothly.

This bit of good fortune came to an abrupt end when a violet portal appeared and ejected five cop cars, sirens blaring. The partiers froze in place. Blair slowly slid down from the lamppost, too distracted by the unexplained plot device to notice this. Soul and Black*Star shot confused looks at each other. The pirate made out with a rock. The partiers' short attention span was enraptured by the pretty wormhole. And the readers of this fic are enraged by this asspull twist.

One of the cops stepped out of the vehicle, pulled out a megaphone, and addressed the legions in front of him. "This is the Moral Police! You are all under arrest for the sin of perversion!"

/ / /

**To Be Continued in Part II…**

/ / /

Sweet fuck, this chapter took what felt like forever to finish! I was seriously concerned that I wouldn't be able to finish it!

Anyway, I would like to apologize once again for the extended wait. I became so tangled up in other issues that I forgot my obligation to you, the readers. That wasn't fair to you, nor was it fair to this fic.

I would also like to state that this chapter will be composed of at least two parts. I have a lot of ideas for this mini-arc, but I figured that putting them all into one conglomerate chapter would make the story far too tedious (well, more so than it is right now).

Thanks for reading~!

P.S: I'm going to post a special something in the near future. Please look for it if you have a few spare moments.


	13. Chapter 13: Money Matters, part II

Howdy folks! OXYCODONEFROG here! Once again, I must apologize for the extended delay. Bloody chemistry… Well, not just bloody chemistry. I hate to admit it, but I grew rather bored with Soul Eater for a time. In fact, for a time, I simply felt apathy towards the series. However, my interest in the series has been rekindled, so there shouldn't be too many problems.

Anyway, here we are! Money Matters is (probably) going to conclude with this chapter!

Reviews Responses:

Imak1299: Hey hey thanks~! I really am sorry about the delay, though. As a token of my gratitude that you've stuck with me, have a cookie! (::)

greyvess: Well, this IS a pseudo-crack fic…

FlyingMintBunny579: You ain't seen nothing yet!

SilentFan493: The courses actually went very well, thanks~! By the way, the Kishin says hello and ignore any odd noises emanating from underneath your bed. Sorry if I offended you…

Mistle11411: We're all mad down here, so have another cup of tea!

Suzaku21: I'm glad you like it~!

pattiXcrona: Don't fret, MOAR chapters are coming down the pike and there's going to be MOAR epicness and MOAR explosions!

ShadowGirl170: Thanks! Comparatively though, your stories aren't all that bad.

Awesome1293: Ah… Gotcha…

Cloy552: You don't know how to deal with this madness? Neither does Crona.

ShadowGirl170: Guns? _Guns? _Pffft-HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA! HO HO HO HO HA HA! WEAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHA! Yer threatenin' me with _guns? _Seriously, guns kill people too quickly. Blades, on the other hand…

Warning: Memes? In mah CPST? Gotta' count 'em all!

Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Eater, nor do I own anything I reference.

Here we go!

/ / /

For a few moments, there was no sound outside of the Gallows. The various partygoers stood frozen in place, gazing upon the Moral Police with expressions of complete befuddlement plastered on their faces. The Moral Police, on the other hand, stood at attention. A wind blew, and a lone tumbleweed bounced past the barricade. A cricket chirped, but then realized how awkward the situation was and went home.

"W… What?" Black*Star asked in an unusually reserved tone of voice.

One of the officers stepped forward, pointing to a badge on his chest. It looked like a normal police badge, save for the shoes emblazoned on it. "That's right! As officers of the Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes unit of the Moral Police, it is our duty to break up any and every form of debauchery we find!"

Soul blinked. "Well?"

"Well what?" One of the officers replied testily. "Are you resisting arrest?" The officer then pulled a Taser out of hammerspace and switched it on, a malevolent grin on his face. "Can I taze 'em, Chief? Can I? Please?"

"No, Turner…" The officer who stepped forward sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Remember what happened last time?"

"Lulz!" Turner exclaimed.

The Chief emitted a pained groan. "ANYWAY, what's your question?"

"Well…" Soul began, blinking in confusion, "what're you lot going after us for?"

The Chief paused for a moment. "The charges?" He then placed his fist into his open palm. "Ah yes! The charges!" He pulled a crumpled-up sticky note out of his pocket, a million watt grin illuminating his face. "Lust! Greed! General debauchery! And, of course, the most serious charge of all – JAYWALKING!"

"… GTFO, _NAO!1!"_ the crowd bellowed, surging toward the Moral Police, lusting to, as one badsub so eloquently put it, do violence to them.

/ / /

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU GOT YOUR FINGERS STUCK!?" Maka bellowed, a vein on her forehead throbbing dangerously. "FOR DEATH'S SAKES, YOU SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE BEING MURDERED BY AN ARMY OF POSESSED DOLLS OR SOMET- WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!?"

Tsubaki flinched and whipped her head around to where Maka was pointing. In the corner of the shop was a pudgy, pale boy decked out in a fancy band uniform. His blazing red hair contrasted sharply with his cold, dead eyes. His right hand was loosely gripping a jet-black, vicious-looking clarinet.

"W-who are you?" Tsubaki asked, shivering at the intangible pressure emanating from the child.

"Who am I?" came the reply. The ginger released a creepy giggle. The pressure in the room sharply increased. "I had a name…" He said, flashing a maniacal slasher smile. "…but I didn't need one after the war!"

And with that, the ginger lunged towards the two girls, clarinet rocketing directly at the top of Tsubaki's skull. The human Swiss army knife screamed and instinctively brought her hands up, managing to intercept the woodwind with the Chinese finger trap. Tsubaki grunted as the sheer force of the blow (and the creature's weight) pushed her down to one knee.

_"What is this!?" _She thought desperately, trying to prevent the glinting end of the clarinet from hitting her. _"This strength…! Is he a Kishin egg!?"_

Maka's fighting instincts, momentarily stopped from shock, finally kicked into gear and, with a battle cry, shot at the demonic ginger with a flying kick. Alas, the tsundere's kick was intercepted by the No Name's outstretched hand. With a casual flick of his wrist, the ginger sent Maka flying back, where she crashed through two rows of shelves before coming to a stop.

"Maka!" Tsubaki yelled, glancing over to her fallen friend.

"Yeah, I'm alright…" Maka said, slowly rising into a standing position. "I don't know what he is… but he's strong." She sighed. "Tsubaki. I know that we weren't able to do much against Free, but I don't really see any alternatives. You ready?"

A weak yellow aura materialized around Tsubaki. "Certainly." And with that, the Tsubaki's glow exploded. The ginger, being a pale creature of the night, hissed in pain and covered his eyes. "NO! IT BURNS!"

But, as the battle hardened veteran discovered, a katana through the chest also burns. He blinked, looked down at the black blade protruding from his chest, and then looked up to the tattooed girl holding the hilt of said blade. "Nyoro~n…" The creature muttered before exploding into a puff of smoke.

/ / /

Patty hummed merrily to herself as she dusted off Dr. Stein's unlicensed Doomsday Nuclear Particle Accelerator (a device that appeared to be the mutant spawn of a union between a vacuum cleaner and a microwave), a twinkle in her eye and a spring in her step. "Hey Crona~!" She called, glancing over her shoulder to her reluctant trap. "How're things going over there?"

Crona smoothed the sides of his skirt down, shuffling awkwardly as he attempted to clean a window. "E-everything's good…" He murmured, taking a moment to fan his beet red face. _"I know that only four people have seen me like… this…" _He thought, redirecting most of his focus toward cleaning the massive window. _"But this is so demeaning! Why couldn't I wear what I normally wear?"_

A loud _click_ interrupted the trap's thoughts. He blinked in confusion, shrugged his shoulders, and resumed working… Until another _click _rent the silence. Crona turned around, only to be faced with something so horrible that the author shudders to even describe it.

There stood Patty, proudly grinning as she snapped yet another picture of Crona in his French maid outfit. "So~!" His charge sang, snapping yet another picture. "This is definitely going in the scrapbook~!" A mischievous glint manifested in the young girl's sky-blue eyes. "Hey, traps are pretty popular… I wonder how much money these pictures could generate?"

Crona's blood ran cold… and then it ran out of his back, reforming into Ragnarok. The black imp snickered, resting his crossed arms on his meister's skull. "Heh heh! Ya' know, Crona, ya' actually make a pretty convincing girl, save for your lack of tits." He snickered, leaning closer to Patty. "But… Tell 'ya what; wanna' know how to maximize your profits?"

"Sure~!" Patty said, bouncing up and down from excitement.

Ragnarok donned a feral grin. "Strip him! Not all the way, but just enough that everyone can see his d-"

Crona's uppercut silenced the spiel of the perverted dragon, frog, sword… thing. "N-no. Just… no."

Patty sighed. "You're no fun sometimes, Crona. Fine; I won't sell these pictures…"

"Good… Thank you…" Crona replied, feeling as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

"Buuuuuuut~! That doesn't mean that they're going to be scrapped! Just wait 'till the others see these beauts~!" Crona facefaulted.

"Sometimes I wonder why I even get out of bed…" He muttered into the Berber carpet.

"Tell me about it, mate." The carpet replied.

Crona froze. Slowly, his eyes rose up to meet Patty's own. "Did you just hear that?" She nodded, nonplussed. "Ah. Well. I would say that's good, as it means that I'm not going insane, but… Carpet doesn't normally talk, does it?" Patty shook her head.

"I hate to interrupt your conversation," the floor interjected, "but can you hurry it up? I haven't had anything to eat since that cleaning crew came in last week."

Crona and Patty paled. Ragnarok, who didn't blanch (due to the fact that his body is composed entirely of blood and is therefore incapable of blushing or becoming pale), added his two cents. "… You dumbfucks just HAD to clean the living room, didn't you?"

Patty laughed nervously. "Ehehe… I forgot?"

If looks could kill, Ragnarok's glare would've instantaneously vaporized the blonde. "I hate you guys. I really fucking hate you guys."

Crona, attempting to save their lives, suggested, "L-let's get out of here!" He pivoted, sprinted towards the door, and promptly gave a cry of pain as his head connected with a solid barrier. "Ow…"

"Sorry kid…" The carpet said as it began to produce an acidic liquid. "But a room's gotta' eat, you know? I suggest that you knock yourselves out; it takes hours for me to fully digest a meal. Much less painful that way."

/ / /

Shinigami-sama was, for the most part, a pretty cheerful guy. Whenever students failed on a mission, Shinigami-sama freely offered forgiveness. Whenever his tea was too cold, Shinigami-sama would merely shrug and pop the offending cup in the microwave. Hell, Shinigami-sama wasn't even fazed when the cable company discontinued his service due to mountains of unpaid bills (odd, isn't it, that Death, embodiment of order, would forget to bay his bills?).

Today, however, was an exception. Right off the bat, he discovered that he was out of his favorite tea. Then, while he was driving to the store (because who the fuck needs more than one leg to drive?), a chipmunk ran out into the middle of the road. Shinigami had swerved to avoid it (because killing small animals wouldn't exactly endear him to the kiddies), overshot, and landed in a ditch. Then, as if the author had decided to be a total dick, Shinigami-sama's minivan exploded. This didn't exactly harm the reaper, but the loss of the minivan deeply wounded his psyche. Then, after walking for hours under the blazing sun, the reaper reached the local grocery store, only to find out that his favorite tea had been discontinued.

To put it bluntly: Shinigami-sama was _pissed._

So when, after deciding to take the rest of the day off and enjoy a dozen or so twenty-four packs of beer, Shinigami-sama arrived home to a riot, he snapped.

_"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!?" _The Grim Reaper bellowed, the force of his scream generating a shockwave that caused exactly one-tenth of the warring people to spontaneously combust.

Soul drooled. Black*Star hit him. "Dude!" He hissed. "We're fucked! Even more than before! And quit drooling!"

"But all this burning flesh smells like bacon!" Soul whined. "And I'm so damn hungry after dealing with this lot all day… You know, why don't we have bacon made out of people?"

Before Black*Star could respond, Shinigami-sama shot over to the duo, picked them up by the scruff of their necks, and brought them face-to-face with himself. "EXPLAIN." The duo promptly voided themselves. Shinigami-sama didn't notice.

"U-um, well you see, Sir…" Black*Star began, too intimidated by the reaper's raw fury to be rude. "We were trying to raise money so we could buy instruments for the upcoming band battle and…"

"Boy, did you even think to ask me about my collection of musical instruments?" The reaper snarled, knocking the teens' skulls together. "Did. You. Even. Think. About. Asking. Me. For. Help?" With every word he spoke, Shinigami-sama beat the duo's heads together again. And again. And again. When he finally stop- oh wait, my bad; he abused them again.

Oh. _Nasty. _The human body wasn't meant to bend that way!

(COVER YOUR EYES, CHILDREN!)

/ / /

"Okay…" Maka said, glancing down at the jet-black blade currently in her possession. "What the flying fuck just happened?"

_"I'm… not quite sure…" _Tsubaki replied, voice somewhat distorted from being in weapon form. _"I think we just killed a meme, though."_

Maka blinked in confusion. "A what now?"

_"Never mind," _Tsubaki said, _"but anyway… Fact number one: we were just attacked. Fact number two: our attacker was apparently a Kishin. Fact number three: You're wielding the uncanny sword, which, as far as I'm aware, is only usable by Black*Star."_

"Maybe I can access the uncanny sword due how often we chain resonate?" Maka suggested.

"Oh! That reminds me!" Tsubaki exclaimed. "Maka, are you feeling drained from using the uncanny sword?"

"Not at all. Quite the contrary, actually; I'm feeling far more energetic than usual."

Tsubaki frowned. Somehow. Despite being a sword. "That's odd… I thought the uncanny sword subjugated itself only to Black*Star… Why would you be able to use it without any ill-effects?"

"A question that shall go unanswered."

Her years of experience kicking in, Maka spun around and saw that the speaker had been none other than Natas Cifer.

"Y-you!" Maka stammered, feeling a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature rocket up her spine. "What do you mean, 'a question that shall go unanswered?' You had a Kishin egg in your store! Shouldn't you be concerned about that!?"

"Hmph. That was nothing more than an underling who didn't know his place." Natas said coolly. "He thought he was above the regulations, and just look at what happened to him. Pitiful."

_"Um… Mr. Natas, sir…" _Tsubaki asked hesitantly. _"You said that that Kishin egg was an underling… Does that mean you're...?" _She trailed off, hoping that her question was obvious enough.

Natas flashed a predatory grin at the two girls. "Yes." Maka raised Tsubaki into a more aggressive position. "And no." Natas amended. "I am not a Kishin egg. Nor am I a Kishin like Asura. No, I am far stronger. Tell me, did the name 'Natas Cifer' sound familiar to you?" He chuckled at the tattooed tsundere's look of befuddlement. "Spell Natas backwards, and ad an 'L' and a 'U' to Cifer. Satan Lucifer. I really thought you would've caught on to that. No matter. Hell always has room for more."

His little introduction out of the way, Satan's teeth elongated, ripping his lips to bloody shreds in the process. Suddenly, Satan's back began to writhe and, with the wet, visceral sound of meat being torn, three pairs of spiny black wings erupted from the demon's back, spraying the surrounding environment with blood and flesh. While all this was happening, Satan's legs began to literally boil and shrink back into themselves; six bloody tentacles took their place, each lined with sharp little mouths, all of which were screaming, ripping themselves to pieces, regenerating, and vomiting blood. The same process happened to Satan's arms. The demon's gut swelled to the point that the front of it burst asunder, revealing a great, gaping mouth. Finally, one of the many arm tentacles reached up and ripped Satan's face off, the remains being noisily and messily devoured. Two shrunken eyes glared out at the shocked girls, brimming with indescribable malevolence.

_"Well? _The creature hissed, levitating three feet off the ground. "_What The Fuck Are You Just Standing There For? Are You Retarded Or Something? C'mon! I'm A Pretty Nice Deity. You Name A Contest: If You Win Said Contest, You Go Free. If I Win…" _Satan's many mouths salivated blood in anticipation. _"Both Of You Will Be My Playthings For A Very, Very Long Time."_

Neither of the two girls responded; they were too transfixed on the abomination present before them. Satan sighed and, with a simple flick of a tentacle, ripped a horizontal gash across the tsundere's face that ran from ear to ear. Maka screamed, dropping Tsubaki and clutching her torn face, staggering blindly backwards.

_"MAKA!" _Tsubaki screamed, dropping out of her weapon mode and rushing over to her injured friend. "Maka!"

Satan chuckled. _"I Hate To Interrupt, But Time Is A Valuable Commodity. Pick A Game Right Now, Unless You Would Prefer to Die Right Now."_

"Tsubaki!" Maka gasped. "Uncanny sword mode! Now!" Tsubaki nodded hesitantly and, with a flash, shot into her friend's hands and became the pitch-black katana once again. With swing of her sword, Maka conjured a thin stream of shadows that bound themselves around her wound, effectively stopping the hemorrhage.

_"Shit." _Maka thought, closing her eyes momentarily and attempted to view her opponent's soul. _"This guy wasn't kidding… I can't see his soul at all… That must mean that he's roughly as strong as Shinigami-sama. Oh boy. Can't a girl ever get a break?" _ She shook her head angrily. _"No. Focus. You need to come up with a plan. But what? Cards? No, he'd cheat; he claims to be (or is) Satan, after all. Chess? No, no, and no. Basketball? Damn, I really fucking hate how blood loss makes my head feel fuz… Bingo."_

Maka straightened up, glaring her opponent down. "Alright, you son of a bitch! I've made my decision!"

_"Oh Really? And What Are We To Play?"_

"Cunt-punt!" Maka declared, a feral grin that would not have looked out of place on Soul's face adorning hers.

_"… Cunt Punt…" _Satan asked, a note of disbelief resonating in his watery, echoing voice. _"Cunt Punt."_

Maka smirked. "Yeah. Cunt Punt is when two people get a chance to kick each other in the genitals. Whoever stays down the longest, or whoever screams in pain, is declared the loser."

_"… Very Well. I Accept Your Challenge."_

"Cool." Satan stepped forward, but stopped when Maka raised her hand. "Nope! Ladies first!"

_"Bitch." _Satan said, but relented.

Maka roared as a silvery aura exploded around her as she drew upon every last iota of her power. The tsundere rocketed towards Satan, each step causing the ground to shatter. Her right leg was cloaked in a pure white corona and, uttering a bellow, Maka kicked Satan in the crotch. The force of the impact generated a shockwave that literally vaporized everything in the store and, for good measure, devastated the surrounding fifth of a mile.

Alas, her victory was short lived.

_"Hmph. Do You Really Think You Could Injure Me, O Little One?"_

A telekinetic force blasted the dust away, exposing a rather bored looking Satan and a rather disturbed looking Maka, whose right foot was embedded in the goopy mass of the former.

"What…?" The girl breathed, eyes wide with fright. "How? There's no way-!"

_ "I'm Satan, Remember? Nothing can harm me. And now," _his six arm tentacles flexed, _"it's my turn."_ He lunged…

Only to stop when Tsubaki cried, _"Maka won!"_

The tentacles froze mere millimeters away from Maka's panties. _"How?"_

_ "The mouths on your tentacles," Tsubaki explained, "are screaming in pain. The rules of the game say that you loose if you scream in pain. You, or at least parts of you, are screaming! You've lost, Satan!"_

Satan blinked. Twice. Thrice. _"… Fuck It, I'm Going To Kill You Both." _And with that, he swung.

Maka flinched. _"I'm sorry, Tsubaki… I'm sorry, Soul; Crona; Blair; Liz; Patty; Kid; Professor Stein; Shinigami-sama; Papa… Mama…"_

Her mental apologies were cut off as Satan's attack was once again cut off. The Devil had halted his onslaught, looking down in mild annoyance as his tentacles began to shrivel up. "Damn. An Anti-Magic Wavelength…" He sighed. "And I Was Really Looking Forward To Watching You Suck Cocks In Hell For The Rest Of Eternity…"

"Ew…" Maka said, her nose wrinkling up in disgust. "And why are you dissolving, anyway? If you're as powerful as you claim to be, shouldn't you be impervious to my wavelength?"

Satan blinked at her. "… I'm The _Devil, _You Dumb Broad. Do You Honestly Think That I Do Business In Person? What Your Wavelength Is Attacking Is A Mere Construct."

"How the hell would I know?" Maka snarled. If there was one thing the tsundere couldn't tolerate, it was people (or kishins or constructs or whatever) insulting her intelligence.

"Good Point." Satan admitted, shrugging (and causing more of his form to slough off). "Now, I've Taken A Bit Of A Shine To You Both. As Such…" The Devil's rapidly decaying form began to glow with an eerie reddish-black light. "I Shall Give You A Fragment Of This Construct's Power. Just Remember… This Isn't Over. Not By A Long Shot."

With that said, the light surrounding the construct flowed up Maka's leg and, within seconds, covered her entire body and the black katana in her hands. Both girls screamed in agony, feeling as if their entire essences were on fire. The pain grew and grew, up until the point where both girls passed out.

/ / /

"Shit!" Patty screamed, jumping on top of a rapidly dissolving chair. "Shit, shit, shit, SHIT!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE!" Ragnarok shrieked, hammering his tiny fists on his meister's skull. "IT'S GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!"

Crona whimpered. "Um… Maybe we still have a chance?"

"How?" The other occupants of the carnivorous room demanded, their heads swiveling to face Crona in unison.

"T-there's that one technique we've been working on, Ragnarok…" The trap murmured, rubbing his arm uncomfortably.

Ragnarok thought for a moment. "You mean that crazy-ass one? The one that makes you look sound like a gigantic fucking moron?""

"Yeah," Crona sighed, "that one. And why do you k-keep calling me retarded? I'm not retarded!"

"… You're retarded because I said so, asshat!" Ragnarok snarled, yanking on his meister's nose. "And anyway, we can't even control the damn thing! I mean, yeah, it might get us out of here; I think it's strong enough to do that. But it could kill us, too! Do you want to be crushed like an empty pop can, huh!? Do you want to drown in your own blood!?"

Patty raised her hand. "What are you two talking about? What's this technique?"

Crona gulped. "I-it's just a little something we've b-been working on for a while… I can't really explain it, though. Sorry," he added.

"Anyway, do we do it or not?" Ragnarok asked. "These chairs are floating, you know. I don't think they'll be around for much longer." As if to prove his point, a nearby bookshelf collapsed, hissing as the room's enzymes went to work.

"Right." Crona declared. "Patty, we're going to die if we stay here. Could you please transform? You'll probably be safer that way."

Patty smirked. "Damn. The ride never ends when you're around, Crona. Okay, but remember to put on a good show~!" A pink aura surrounded the girl, compressed itself, and shot into Crona's outstretched hand.

_ "Cold…" _Crona thought, flinching from the pain. "Anyway, here goes. Ready, Ragnarok?"

"I was born ready!" The imp screeched, returning to Crona's back.

"All right." A thrill of power shot out into the environment, whipping up a small gust that circled around the swordsman's legs. Crona took a deep breath and shouted, "HELP, HELP!"

"SOMEBODY HELP US!" Ragnarok screeched, his already obnoxiously loud voice being amplified to unholy levels by the room's acoustics.

"OH, WON'T SOMEONE OR SOMETHING SAVE US!" Crona wailed, falling to his knees. "WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF SAVING OURSELVES!"

"W-what!?" Patty said, sweatdrops cascading down her barrel (despite being a gun and therefore being unable to sweat). "HEY! I thought you two had some super-special, badass finishing move! Not this namby-pamby BULLSHIT!"

The males ignored her.

"WE'RE TOTALLY FUCKED!" Ragnarok hollered. "IT LOOKS LIKE THIS IS THE END FOR US! IF ONLY HELP ARRIVED! BUT THERE'S NOTHING THAT CAN SAVE US NOW!"

"ONLY A MIRACLE CAN SAVE US NOW! BUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!" Crona yelled.

"That's right!" The room exclaimed, laughing evilly. "Nothing can help you now! Prepare to be digeste- eh?"

The ground started to shake and a strange roaring sound could be heard outside. "What the hell did you two do!?" Patty demanded.

It was at that very moment when a gigantic metal foot ripped through the room, missing the three protagonists by a few centimeters. The room _shrieked _in agony, its acidic contents gushing out onto the ground outside.

"… Guys?" Patty eventually said. "What was that?"

Crona blushed. "T-that was a… Deus ex Machina."

"A… Deus ex Machina?"

"It was something M-Maka once told me about…" Crona said.

Ragnarok snorted. "She didn't tell it to you so much as you learning about it after she raged about some shitty event saving some shitty characters in a shitty book."

There was a flash of light, and Patty was standing next to Crona, looking off in the distance. "Okay, but… Was that Optimus Prime?"

Crona blinked in confusion. "Who?"

"You know, Optimus Prime!" Patty exclaimed, waving her hands above her head excitedly. "The leader of the Autobots and the most amazing Transformer to have ever walked the face of Cybertron!"

Crona sighed. "I don't know what that is and I don't know how to deal with it."

"He's a transformer?"

"What?"

Patty frowned in disappointment. "_He's _a Transformer!"

"Okay… I don't know how to deal with a Transformer."

"Hey…" Ragnarok said, having quickly recovered from his grievous injury. " I hate to break up a lover's spat, but… What time is it?"

Patty pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and glanced at it. "Half-past-five. Why?"

"Psycho and Milkjugs are going to be coming here soon."

Crona and Patty paled. "Crap."

"So…" Crona said, laughing nervously. "I think I left the oven on. Coming, Patty?" He turned to face a dust cloud kicked up by Patty's frantic escape. "Yeah, I definitely left the oven on…"

And so, the trap chased after his charge.

/ / /

Holy shit, that took WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY longer to finish than I thought!

Anyhoo, if anyone still cares about (or even remembers) this story, this chapter is dedicated to you. I probably should've put that in the first AN, but I'm a lazy son of a fuck.

Next update is coming whenever. I'm hoping that I'll get another chapter up before the year ends, but we'll have to wait and see, won't we?

Oh yeah, that reminds me… Great news, everyone! Guess who received an acceptance letter from a rather prestigious college? THAT'S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS GUY _RIIIIIIIGHT HERE! _

YOU! YOU GET A COOKIE! AND YOU GET A COOKIE! ALL Y'ALL MOFOS GETTING COOKIES!

(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(: :)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::)(::) (::)(::)


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